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A farmer gets a phone call from his son.

I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive..


.shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....

about 20mins later he gets another call...


"done that, but what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike !

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Psychic Daughter


A father put his three

Year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy,

God bless Daddy,

God bless Grandma

And good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye

Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it

Just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.


A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy,

God Bless Daddy

And good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.


Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy

And good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! Of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.


He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound..

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."


She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.


This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!

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Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.

Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.

Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

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Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom

Machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says, insert

£2 and push knob in'.

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Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small

White patch, so I've named him Birmingham.

:laugh: Love it...


How does a male elephant camoflage itself?

It paints its bollocks red and hides in a apple tree


How did Tarzan die?

Went apple picking

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Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly white with a small

racist patch, so I've named him TMBF.

http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z28/Colin_the_bear/sEm_oops2.gif

 

Deary me... If you saw that as racist then it says more about the reader than the joker considering the context it was written in is not negative leaving the reader to apply their own context in which they read it in. My classmate Zahid of indian background who lived there laughed his head off at it :roll:


There was no mocking of any race at any point so couldnt be classed as racist as it defeats the definition of the word so leave the OTT PC madness at home please 8-)

Edited by Fozzie
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Two fish in a tank, one turns round to the other and says "how do u drive this thing?"


10 cows in a field, guess which ones on holiday? the one with the wee calf.


two cows in a field, one turns to the other and says "have you heard about this mad cow disease?" other cow says "no , im a tractor"

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