Family

[min200]

I hope this is ok to put up Stu if it's not please take it down chap!

Family Part 1.

Musings

Posted by Nicky Smith Sun, February 14, 2016 21:23:06

I have been wanting to write about this for quite some time but I really have not known how to find the words to begin.

You see this is personal, I mean really personal but it is something that needs to be said and that I need to get out because in this modern world of ours it is not that unusual but when this story begins it was indeed most unusual in fact it was down right frowned upon...the year was 1973.

1973 the time of long hair for boys and girls alike along with flared trousers platform shoes and Sidney Sideburns that would put most Movember candidates to shame.

Freedom for the young was still a new enough experience and this generation was truly the first that were born onto that freedom but there were still plenty of generations from before left around to hold society in a death grip of times gone by where there were set rules for dating sex and child births outside of marriage even if that grip was slipping slowly away.

Council estates were still the stuff of dreams giving the working classes affordable clean housing and that was where my family lived at this point in time. My Mother met my Father and I was conceived out of wedlock whilst Mum was only 16 years old. Now in today's world that is not either unusual or that frowned upon, don't get me wrong there will always be folk that judge from afar whilst looking down their noses at other peoples situations without knowing all of the facts nor the journey that brings people to the destination they have arrived at and back in '73 unfortunately this was the norm.

Can you imagine living through that at 16 years old? Everyone looking at you judging you from close up with loud "tuts" and withering looks as you pass by. Now for one reason or another my biological parents did not stay together and lets face it at that age it is not very surprising really, I mean the cases of folks being together from that age these days are few and far between so not a lot has changed in the past four decades there.

So there she was my Mum a single 16 year old soon to be parent growing a baby in her belly through the summer of 1973 going against the very normal fabric of society at the time. Luckily for me her family were behind her and soon enough I came kicking and screaming into the world.

My Father stayed in touch I believe helping out until the time came that I was adopted by my Dad but there is no need to delve deep into the private business of the three of them from that time as it has no bearing on the story or what I am trying to say with it. I am sure there were ups and downs but that is as much their business now as it was then so we dear reader shall walk away from all of that messiness and carry on with our tale...

nickysmith.me

[min200]

Family Part 2

Musings

Posted by Nicky Smith Wed, February 17, 2016 19:51:45

So there was this cute as hell little bundle of a baby that would grow up to be a dashingly handsome fellow (that's me of course in case you needed a reminder) around which our tale continues.

My Mum met another chap in due time and soon they were to be wed and it was at this point that my father decided that he was going to travel to the other side of the world chasing the American Dream so my Dad, the man Mum was about to marry, stood up and adopted me.

All three of these folks were happy with this arrangement and seeing as I was still small and clueless about such things it made no odds to me at all in fact I have no memory of any of this. I have not taken poetic licence with this story just kept it to the base facts of what happened back then but I have kept out any emotion due to the fact that it was absolutely none of my business then as it is still not now, here we had three grown ups in the seventies dealing with a situation that was still looked down upon in a huge way to the best of their abilities.

Now as the years went by I had no idea of the fuss that I had inadvertently caused when I was such a little bundle so I carried along just living a happy childhood that was full of family with me ending up being the biggest brother to five younger siblings which I enjoyed no end. There was countryside and cycling that changed into small towns and teenagers, life was indeed a pleasant ride that involved hard work but the sound base of this was family.

I never felt like I was different to my siblings as far as I was concerned we were all cut from the same cloth our Mum & Dad were, well Mum & Dad. There was the odd time I wondered why I looked a great deal more like my Mum than my Dad but this was no more than a fleeting thought that was soon dismissed from my mind, I mean why was that even an issue? most people were genetically predisposed to look more like one parent than the other anyway it's called the stronger gene.

So time passed by marching quicker and quicker as it seems to do year by year until I was only just into my early twenties and a girl came along that I was to marry. This girl though came with a young son of about 18 months old but this did not bother me and I took him on as my own. Even when the marriage fell apart through no ones in particular fault, as many seem to do when you marry very young, I kept on seeing my son and his younger sister because I had made the choice to become part of his life and just because the genetics were not there it doesn't mean that made us any the less the family we were.

But I am jumping forward a bit here dear reader so let us take a step back to a few months before that wedding. My parents had gone away for a well earned weekend break and my Nan (Dad's Mum) had come up to look after my younger brothers and sisters. I took this opportunity to proudly introduce my son to her taking him down to meet her one summers lunchtime. As we sat there chatting away with my boy bouncing around on my knee Nan said casually,

"Oh you were about this age when I first met you"

My world fell apart inside in an instant at the implication of that sentence.

I loved my Nan dearly and there is not a shred of doubt in my mind that she loved me dearly too so there was not one ounce of malicious intent in what she had said that day, oh no she just thought that I knew I was adopted, that at the age of 21 I had been told of the fact. Of course though you may have figured out that I had not.

So what could I do? I did not want to upset her by asking about the true meaning of what she had just said in fact knowing the type of person that she was it would have destroyed her to realise in that moment what she had done so I carried on with our lunch and as soon as I could I said our goodbyes then headed home.

Talk about a whirlwind of emotions that were cascading through my head at this point! I felt sick, confused, a little angry but most of all I was questioning whether or not I had heard her correctly?

Deep down I knew indeed that I had so what was I supposed to do to confirm this world changing information? Mum & Dad were away for another day and there was no way of contacting them because mobile phones were not about at this point. I could not recall where they were staying and even if I could what would calling them on a rare weekend away accomplish? No I needed to speak to them face to face but I wanted to know before then if what I thought here was true.

I didn't want to call my other Nan (Mums Mum) as I thought it might upset her so I called my Auntie (Mums sister) and casually mentioned what Nan had said to me to which upon hearing it she panicked saying I needed to speak to my Mum the quickly gave me half a dozen reasons about why she needed to be off of the phone and hung up.

Looking back that must have been a horrible thing for her to go through as well having her nephew on the line asking her to confirm or deny one of the families deepest secrets for which this had indeed become after it had been hidden for so long.

Her general panic though had told me all I needed to know which settled my mind along with my stomach leaving me just wondering why no one had ever said anything about it?

So I settled into a 36 hour wait for my parents to get home so I could talk to them face to face...

www.nickysmith.me

[Joeman]

Its all interesting stuff, however reposting the content of your own website actually harms your websites pagerank and reduces your chances of your writings being found and read.

if you want to boost the visibility of your writing, post a small teaser on here (and other sites) with a link to the full article your own site.

Google doesnt like duplicate content, and unfortunately will see your site (with far fewer pages and lower back link count that this forum) as a likely duplication of this site. The net result - your site loses pagerank, and you get less readers reading your material

[min200]

Thanks for the tips Joeman But, and I am being honest here, it's not all about the ratings etc for me I just love writing and am happy to share it out where folks might like reading it!

I always pop the tag on the bottom for the website but if folks come they come if not no worries it passes the time of day for me!

There are a couple of books for sale as well but I don't want to spam up sites with adverts etc in fact my own site is pretty poor at that advertising as well lol.

But I may pick your brains a bit more on all of this because if I am honest I am pretty clueless with it all!

[rennie]

I'm enjoying it,

I've been known to write a bit myself (not for publication on here).

It's possibly in the wrong section but I'm not sure where else to put it

[rennie]

going to move it to correct section now

[Gin]

Whoa whoa..

Why did you stop??

I'm going to guess the rest is on your site..?

[al_stu]

I can't go on the site...I really enjoy these posts but if I go on your website I'll lose the whole weekend reading all of the posts in one sitting

[min200]

Whoa whoa..

Why did you stop??

I'm going to guess the rest is on your site..?

 

Nope the rest is yet to be written lol but there will be an update later today

[min200]

I can't go on the site...I really enjoy these posts but if I go on your website I'll lose the whole weekend reading all of the posts in one sitting

 

LOL I had a bloke once email me moaning he had found the site and had stayed up most of the night reading!

Surprised the hell out of me that anyone would! I didn't know whether to be offended or complimented...

[min200]

Family Part 3.

Musings

Posted by Nicky Smith Thu, February 18, 2016 18:22:24

Do you recall me telling you earlier how it seems that with each year that passes time goes by quicker and quicker? well that statement is indeed true and as I sit here in my 42nd year in wonder how that amount of time has gone by already along with the wonder of seeing all of my four children now careering into adulthood themselves it could not be more of a straight up statement. But those 36 hours I spent waiting for my Mum & Dad to get home from their weekend away felt like another lifetime in passing on top of what I have already had so far.

My soon to be Wife kept asking what I was going to do and how I was going to do it, as if I had any idea myself at that point. Nope I was just going to wing it but hopefully in a calm manner after all shouting was not going to get me anywhere here.

They were due back in the late afternoon but they only lived down the road so I could literally keep an eye out for their car as they got home. My brothers and sisters were only young though and as the day wore on I knew that I would wait until later in the evening before heading down to their house for the chat that I was dreading. That sick to my stomach feeling had come back because I had no idea on how we were all going to react once we started to talk but I could not have that talk in front of my siblings because they were far too young to understand at that point.

The afternoon light faded with no-one back yet but as the darkness fell I saw their car pull up. I might be giving the impression here that I was stood around for most of the afternoon at home just pacing too and fro from the window in my house winding myself up not in anger but in dread for what was to come and that is indeed exactly what was happening.

The wife to be once again asked around 7:30pm if I was going to head down there to which I replied,

"Give it another half an hour until Eastenders finishes, Mum will be watching that then putting the kids to bed so we can talk freely"

It seemed like a good enough plan to me so I took myself away from my window post that I had been guarding all day and wandered into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. 30 seconds later there was a knock at the door and my Dad was standing with a big grin on his face asking if I wanted to

"Nip down to the pub for a quick pint?"

Judging by the look on his face along with his body language he had no idea at this point of what had happened over the weekend. My son had not yet settled down for the night so was still playing in the living room of our small two up two down and all of my thousand time pre rehearsed conversations of how the evening was going to play out initially were thrown completely out of the window.

So what else could a young chap do? I followed him down to the pub wondering what the hell to do next, I wanted to speak to both of them at the same time but that idea it would seem had gone straight out of the window...

www.nickysmith.me

[al_stu]

YOU CAN'T STOP NOW KEEP GOING

[min200]

Family Part 4.

Musings

Posted by Nicky Smith Fri, February 19, 2016 18:39:42

Isn't life funny. For the best part of two days I had planned this big deep talk with my parents in the comfort of the family home but in the space of a few minutes I was sitting in the local pub with my Dad nursing a pint of Bitter and finding myself of how the weekend away had been. Not what I had imagined happening at all...

Before we head even further into this modern day tale I want to take a moment to talk about my Dad. He is most definitely the best person I know full of wit (I said wit Dad if you are reading this) seems to know about just about anything along with a memory for events from far far in the past until the present that would leave an elephant hanging it's head in shame. We have spent a great deal of time together over the years and there is always a long weekend away with just the two of us or a couple of brothers or close friends thrown in for good measure. These weekends are truly just lad events but we are well past the getting stinking drunk and suffering the next day phase, no dear reader we are just very happy and comfortable in each others company so from as early as I can remember I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to be a Dad to my kids as well as he was to me and my siblings but I always fear that I have fallen far far short of that particular marker.

We have great conversations, put each other into our places if we are being or about to do something stupid along with gentle encouragement when we aim high for something new. We happily take the mickey out of each other when we fail as well just in general because anything is fair game when it comes to making each other laugh usually at each others expense. We are also more than comfortable to just enjoy each others company doing just about nothing, sitting reading a book, sat on a beach just looking out to sea or even better doing that from a pub garden on a summers evening having nothing to say and that not mattering a jot. So at the point we are at in our tale with me sitting there at that dark wood circular table with a pint sweating on it for the first time in my life feeling edgy in Dad's company wondering how to broach this subject with him but not knowing where to begin was a whole new most unpleasant experience that left me wondering once again why this nonsense had been hidden from me for a lifetime.

That first pint unsurprisingly disappeared quite quickly but I had mind enough to know that getting drunk then trying to talk about this was a very bad idea so once the second round had hit the table top I took a deep long draught of it, wiped my lips looked my Dad in the eye and said to him that I had taken my son to see Nan and she had said I was about hos age when she first met me. In for a penny here in for a pound, I then asked if he could confirm exactly what she meant by it.

Is there a good way to broach a long hidden skeleton in the closet? Now looking back my answer is no, no there is not.

Dads face dropped.

I felt awful. Then in my head I felt angry at myself for feeling awful because this was not my secret I was the secret, then I thought oh hell I think I get why they hid it then it all the emotions just got a bit whirly.

He just looked at me like a cornered rabbit, lets face it he kinda was as he had no idea this was coming nothing at all until this point in his world had changed form the last twenty odd years, his mouth gaped he stuttered a touch stumbled over his tongue and came out with,

"She doesn't what she was talking about...um I mean she was mistaken...no um, oh shit, you need to talk to your Mum Nick"

He looked awful. The blood has long since drained from his face he had turned green and sweaty along with twitchy limbs not knowing where to look and all of this in the space of about ten seconds the poor bugger I really felt for him right then.

He didn't know what to do and a well timed shout from a friend from the other side of the pub gave him instant recourse to make his way from this instant horror of a long hidden secret catching up with him in the wrong place unexpectedly.

I didn't blame him I had had a couple of days to get used enough to this information being back out there in the daylight and it had reared it's head at him when he thought he was out for a relaxing time with his son.

I took another long pull on my pint and rested my head back into the worn red leather seat I was sitting in wondering what the hell to do next when out of the blue the wife to be walked into the pub with a worried look in her eyes that did not go away when they found me sitting in the corner. As she hurriedly headed over towards me I wondered what else could go wrong in such a short space of time and I was kept waiting long on that info.

She sat down hard looked me in the eye saying,

"You need to head back your Mum's sat in our living room and she is pretty upset"

"Jesus could this night get any worse" I wondered and after a pretty short walk I was about to find out.

nickysmith.me

[min200]

Family Part 5.

Musings

Posted by Nicky Smith Fri, February 19, 2016 20:20:42

The walk from the pub back to our little two up two down may have been short in distance but it felt like a 10 mile hike. I had already sort of confronted my Dad about what was the truth behind all of this cloak and dagger stuff but caught him off guard scaring the hell out of him as well as getting no further on and now I was heading head first into more unknowns with my Mum waiting for me at my house, damn I felt sick.

I walked up the darkened lane to my house reaching the red front door where I paused thinking I wished none of this has started that I had not popped down for lunch with my boy but that time had now since passed and there was nothing to be done but go forward with this extra large can of worms that had been opened...I pushed down the door handle and walked into my front room.

I have told you a little of my Dad and it is only fair and right to now tell you a little of my Mum.

Ever noticed how busy Mums are? Mine was no exception to that rule with a total of six children to see to as well as a house to keep, clothes to wash just the general family to run stuff on a rather large scale. One real advantage of your Mum having you very young is that as you start to get a little older they still are young and I loved that about my Mum. I was treated as an equal more or less once I hit my teenage years given lots of trust which gave way to freedom (that and they were both very busy with all of my brothers and sisters so didn't notice what I was getting up to half the time), we were close and talked about subjects that would send most other young men my age scurrying for a dark stone to hide behind in embarrassment. She was witty, pretty, straight talking and honest I was so very lucky to have the relationship I had with her from a young age and thankfully still do.

When I was fifteen and home from school for a quick lunch she told me she was pregnant with my baby sister and did I think it was disgusting because she was so old at the grand old age of thirty one. I remember grinning ear to ear looking her in the eye and asking

"are you happy about it?"

She replied "Yes I think I am but I was worried you might think I was too old"

I got up walked across the kitchen and hugged her with both of us grinning uncontrollably and me telling her I thought it was great...and I really did think it was great I loved my younger siblings dearly.

So as I rounded the front door pushing it closed behind me I took yet another deep breath and looked up to see my Mum perched on the edge of the sofa's arm looking positively ill...there must of been something going around eh.

She broke the silence between us as I stood there in the middle of the room just looking at her genuinely not knowing what to say by stating,

"You must really hate me"

God no I did not hate her or anyone but I answered using foul language in front of her for the first time in my life,

"No Mum I don't hate you I just want to know what the f**k is going on"

It was like a flood gate had burst with all of the questions and things I wanted to say lined up neatly and clearly in my mind that would get voiced as the evening went on getting answers to all of the things I needed to know.

It turned out that word had soon spread to my Nan (Mums mum) that I had been asking questions of my Aunt so she had been on the phone to give my parents a bit of a heads up on the situation. Nothing like this can come out right really can it but I do feel sorry for the pair of them that it came blindside out of the right wing to tackle them completely unexpectedly.

She told me the story that we we began with at the start of this tale reader so I wont cover that again but we soon headed onto what followed on after my parents life settled down into that comfy routine of family life that I had always known.

They had wanted to tell me about it all in fact they had planned it a couple of times but life events sort of got in the way. They had planned to tell me by the time I was 16 but I had gotten a massive "go and see the world" travel bug by then shooting off all over the place and to any country I could get into and they were understandably scared I would bugger off to America...might of been nice to make that call myself back then but hey ho I get why they made that decision I mean my natural father might not of wanted anything to do with me.

Then I moved away to all ends of this little island of ours so we did not see each other a great deal especially in private. Then I decided to get married so they were determined to tell me before the happy occasion but Nan had beaten them to the punch literally by a few weeks.

My head was spinning by now still with that whirlwind of emotions but added to that mess was this overload of information of history of what had been's what could of been's. I felt lied to but elated because there was more to me than I thought, I thought my life had been a lie but I knew it could not have been better...if there was ever a reason to have a few beers this was it but it was going to take a good deal of time to sift through it all putting it into order so I could make proper sense of it.

We chatted for a couple of hours with me getting everything asked that I had planned and plenty more besides as the conversation developed with facts coming out I that I had no previous knowledge of. It was all brand new info both fascinating and exhilarating. I was sitting crossed legged in the middle of the floor just soaking it all in and Mum seemed to be getting more comfortable as she got it off of her chest, the release of the burden she had been carrying for my lifetime was actually visible as it left her a piece at a time while we talked.

The strangest thing was that I was not angry with any of it, I felt a bit miffed that it had been hidden away because in my mind there was absolutely no need for that to be done, deep down in my soul I knew that it would have made absolutely no difference to me as I was growing up in fact the only difference it had made to me now was curiosity as to this other genetic line that I had running off in another direction and I knew straight away I would be following that up not because I needed another family oh no at this point in time I just wanted to know what this other fellow looked like. Did he look like me at all? or should I say did I look like him?

So a few hours had passed and so did all of my questions, every last one of them was asked and exhaustive answers given by my Mum patiently as I cross examined nearly every detail. I was shattered physically and emotionally Mum looked like she had faired no better through this emotional roller-coaster so I laid back on the carpet and looked up to the ceiling then in an instant realising I had left my Dad down the pub in rather a state because I had dropped the bombshell of my knowledge on him out of the blue.

Wife to be was down there too. Oh bugger what had I done....

[Hoggs]

Really enjoying this. Thanks for sharing

[Gin]

And then...??

Come on don't leave us hanging!

[min200]

Family Part 6.

Musings

Posted by Nicky Smith Sat, February 20, 2016 07:15:00

After an in depth and rather emotional as well as frank chat with my Mum I set off in a much better frame of mind to go back to see my Dad who was still down the pub where I had left him with the wife to be a few hours before.

I was hoping that they were not too drunk by now and thankfully they were not. Wife to be headed home as soon as I arrived to let Mum go home again and I sat down in front of my Dad and we sort of looked at each other a bit sheepishly not knowing where to start.

The realisation soon hit home that a pub somewhere near to closing time is not the best place to have an in depth conversation on the past so I looked at him with a bit of a grin and said,

"It's not like I am going to start calling you by your first name or anything"

To which there was a bit of a smirk from him just briefly along with the comment

"I should bloody well hope not".

That was it for then. You see we all react differently in these types of situations there is no right or wrong way nothing anyone can say or write that could make it all easy or make the past disappear in a heartbeat. No, where Mum wanted to talk in depth about it all all at once Dad did not want to talk much at all yet and that was all good by me as we sat there looking at each across the table. We would talk in depth over time when it was just the two of us, I know that it was a hard thing for him to do and I love him more for the fact that he would sit there and do it even though it would quietly upset him each time but that was our way, we are men you know and this stuff is emotional.

We don't really bring it up these days, any of us, because it's all in the past now...more years in the past than I care to admit but once what needs to be said is said you process it, put it away and move on, there is no need to live in the past it just shapes us into the people we are today.

So why am I writing about it all again now? I mean why bring it all up to the surface once again in my own mind? Well I had an interesting chat with a friend at work who had just found out something similar so this story came out just as in depth as I have written here and he was amazed that someone else felt exactly the same way as he did.

Also, and this is quite a big one, I decided that I would not hide anything like this from my own children from the start. I prefer to be honest and up front with them because it teaches life skills and also it becomes the "norm" which my type of family is in this our modern age. I had a 18 month old son who would need to be told a similar story as he grew up so the best way to do it in my eyes was to just have it out there from the start. I have four children in all two of which are not genetically mine but does this make a difference? are they any less my children because of this?

No, no they are not. They are my children and I love them dearly, as my family loves me, I would lay down and die for each and every one if it was asked of me. We don't have those distinctions of half brother this, half sister that, step siblings and all of those other labels, we just have a family of brothers and sisters across the board and in my eyes that is as it should be.

Family is so much more than blood lines and genetics it is unwavering support from all of it including the extended lot. It is about acceptance that the world brought us together as a unit our different backgrounds and pathways that led us all to this one place are different as well as diverse and we are all made a bit more well informed and stronger because of them.

Family is about being pleased to see each other of that feeling of easy acceptance and the comfort of home when we are all together once again. Time does not matter, if it's been six months since we were together as soon as we enter the same room it feels more like six minutes. It is the laughter, the ribbing, the new experiences brought home and shared. It is the different ways of life we have all chosen that we then bring together, each and every one of my siblings has chosen a very different course in life and we are the stronger for it. There is no judgement just questions and hopefully we all walk away a little wiser.

All of that is family to me. Not one line of heritage or some pieces of paper but many many lines of life brought together and you end up loving it all whether you wanted to or not.

That is the reason for me sharing this story. I have done it in instalments so I could get it all out the way I really wanted it to, to do it justice and in that time there have been a surprising amount of emails sent to me by people who are experiencing it right now and those who have similar history's comparing notes. My experience was overall a positive one so this is not a tale looking for pity it is indeed a tale to look at and think "yea that is what family is about"

Sounds like I have finished with it all doesn't it? Nope not by a long shot folks this part took place over a long weekend and as we all went to our beds at the end of that last long evening exhausted by what had come to light that thought came back into my mind,

"What does this other fella look like then?"...

www.nickysmith.me

[Joe85]

Excellent stuff.