Happy unmarried anniversary

[billy sugger]

Just realised today is the 30th anniversary of my decree nisi. 

30 years of unmarried bliss

[MikeHorton]

22 minutes ago, billy sugger said:

Just realised today is the 30th anniversary of my decree nisi. 

30 years of unmarried bliss

Make sure you celebrate with a drink or 2 later!

[geofferz]

Major congrats! My first divorce anniversary in December - might take the ex wife out for dinner. 

Edited October 19, 2021 by geofferz

[Steve_M]

Congrats. 

 

It does bring this to mind (though, in your instance, perhaps not )Louden Wainwright

 

[Bender]

2 hours ago, geofferz said:

Major congrats! My first divorce anniversary in December - might take the ex wife out for dinner. 

Don't forget her friend  

[billy sugger]

I might take the ex out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

With a grenade launcher 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Fozzie]

Guessing it didn't end well if you remember the date after 30 years?

[Steve_M]

10 minutes ago, Fozzie said:

Guessing it didn't end well if you remember the date after 30 years?

I don’t recall the date of my decree nisi. I do recall what I was told as I went through my divorce. Your marriage is  like a tropical hurricane… It started hot, moist and steamy, and ended cold and took your house*  with it. 
 

 

*yes, genuinely did. 

[Fozzie]

3 hours ago, Steve_M said:

I don’t recall the date of my decree nisi. I do recall what I was told as I went through my divorce. Your marriage is  like a tropical hurricane… It started hot, moist and steamy, and ended cold and took your house*  with it. 
 

 

*yes, genuinely did. 

 

I've heard in the past few years how slanted things are in the family courts as a couple of friends have issues with child access, and I think all but one pair I know that did marry, split within a year or two. Can I ask why it went against you so badly?

 

Think they will have to overhaul marriage soon, or just divorce, which is really incompatible with how we live at the moment. Girl at work a bit younger than me just went through it, after catching her ex playing away 5 minutes after getting married. She hates that on legal/insurance forms she has to put "Divorced", and thinks the status should reset after a certain time or conditions. At the moment the only way to do this is very tricky and expensive.

[billy sugger]

My ex played away while I was on shift work, with the boyfriend of her best friend.

I let it go to court, where I said I would pay maintenance for both boys until they left school, but I would not support the ex financially, as she was the reason we were here in the first place, and the judge actually agreed to rhat. He house was rented with joint tenancy, so I signed it over to her, and that was that. 

 

The ex did try and get more money out of me after I changed my job, and when that didn't work she got the DSA? involved. They came to my workplace to see me, As I spent more time there than at home, and the ex had told them I was not making regular maintenance payments. After showing them that money went straight out of my bank into the court appointed account for both boys every week, and on time, they decided no further action was needed. I bet the ex got a rollicking for wasting their time 

[Stu]

24 minutes ago, Fozzie said:

 

I've heard in the past few years how slanted things are in the family courts as a couple of friends have issues with child access, and I think all but one pair I know that did marry, split within a year or two. Can I ask why it went against you so badly?

 

Think they will have to overhaul marriage soon, or just divorce, which is really incompatible with how we live at the moment. Girl at work a bit younger than me just went through it, after catching her ex playing away 5 minutes after getting married. She hates that on legal/insurance forms she has to put "Divorced", and thinks the status should reset after a certain time or conditions. At the moment the only way to do this is very tricky and expensive.

The whole system is corrupt biased and outdated! 

 

I have watched a mate go through the ringer due to these outdated practices and his ex try everything in her power to turn the kids against him and stop him seeing them until it suits her! 

[Steve_M]

1 hour ago, Fozzie said:

 

I've heard in the past few years how slanted things are in the family courts as a couple of friends have issues with child access, and I think all but one pair I know that did marry, split within a year or two. Can I ask why it went against you so badly?

 

Think they will have to overhaul marriage soon, or just divorce, which is really incompatible with how we live at the moment. Girl at work a bit younger than me just went through it, after catching her ex playing away 5 minutes after getting married. She hates that on legal/insurance forms she has to put "Divorced", and thinks the status should reset after a certain time or conditions. At the moment the only way to do this is very tricky and expensive.

We settled out of court relatively amicably. At my insistence we went for a clean break. As I have a couple of final salary pensions I didn’t want to risk her getting her hands on those at any future time through maintenance. It was best to provide her with a lump sum that included a sum taking into account my pension’s value at that time. It meant selling the house and starting almost from scratch but worth the few years of less financial comfort.

[Fozzie]

It's pretty grim that you need to put a court order in place to protect yourself after the divorce is final. I still find it nuts that a partner can secretly run up debts, and then try to force at least half of it onto their ex via the divorce process. Or the courts inability to step in and stop fathers being cut out of childrens lives, which is partly driving high male suicide numbers, but if a dad does this or doesn't give the kid back, he's chased down and treated like a kidnapper half the time... Where's the equality?

 

It's making the idea of having kids a lot more complicated. 

 

[Stu]

7 hours ago, Fozzie said:

I still find it nuts that a partner can secretly run up debts, and then try to force at least half of it onto their ex via the divorce process

 

I had that with the ex! 

 

Not paid the mortgage, council tax, water, gas electric well you name it! 

 

I managed to get away with everything but the water as they did an attachment of earnings on me without me knowing due to letter being posted to her address! 

 

Obviously she never passed them on! the rest she foot the bill for the lot 

[S-Westerly]

Must be lucky so far as none of my family have been through that particular nightmare. Hopefully it will continue. Feel sorry for the poor buggers who have though as some of the horror stories are pretty grim.

[Bender]

32 minutes ago, S-Westerly said:

Must be lucky so far as none of my family have been through that particular nightmare. Hopefully it will continue. Feel sorry for the poor buggers who have though as some of the horror stories are pretty grim.

Hopefully they never will as it is a crap process to go through. 

[billy sugger]

My ex had secret debts, even though I was bringing home good money. I was home unexpectedly when the guy turned up to collect an instalment from her for a loan she'd taken out. I heard her tell him she could only pay some of it, and I have, and still have, no idea what she was doing with the money coming in to need a loan in the first place 

[Fozzie]

I've got an interest in these threads as recently it feels like everyone around me was either splitting up, or locked in a horrible battle for child access. To the point I was wondering if my generation is just broken, but it does seem like I've just been naive to the chances of it going sideways and it's more widespread. 

 

My girlfriend wants kids in a few years, and I've got no problem with this, she'd be a good mum and she's a very gentle person, but it's hard to ignore some of these situations going on around me and not asking "Was there anyway to see it coming?". It's not so much a lack of trust, more querying whether I've missed something I'd rather not learn the hard way. Like, did someone who wracked up debts have any history with bad finances? etc

[husoi]

Only if I could find a way to get into that club.... 

Without hurricane process. 

[Steve_M]

5 hours ago, Fozzie said:

I've got an interest in these threads as recently it feels like everyone around me was either splitting up, or locked in a horrible battle for child access. To the point I was wondering if my generation is just broken, but it does seem like I've just been naive to the chances of it going sideways and it's more widespread. 

 

My girlfriend wants kids in a few years, and I've got no problem with this, she'd be a good mum and she's a very gentle person, but it's hard to ignore some of these situations going on around me and not asking "Was there anyway to see it coming?". It's not so much a lack of trust, more querying whether I've missed something I'd rather not learn the hard way. Like, did someone who wracked up debts have any history with bad finances? etc

At some point you have to make a giant leap of faith. Don’t let these tales put you off.

 

I was married for 21yrs and it was, mostly, good. Neither of us were perfect, I could be a complete ar*ehole with my attitude, though usually in response to when she was totally unreasonable. I had a one night stand early on, and she never trusted me from that point (who can blame her). Ultimately all the little niggles, her unreasonable and entitled attitude and me railing against it led to us separating. In hindsight yes, the writing was on the wall for a while, but communication had stopped (me working long hours, running a boys football team, being an observer for the IAM. Her working shifts).  I had custody of our son, which wasn’t easy given that I worked long hours, though we never discussed “visiting rights” as my view was he was a teenager, he could go and see her whenever he wanted - we lived in the same village.

 

I would also mention that I have since found the most amazing woman as my partner, and we’ve been together for around 23 yrs. We have five kids between us and the families have merged amazingly well.

[Bender]

@FozzieDear God don't ask lunatics on the internet for advice regarding women and kids, that's asking for disaster right there

 

Mostly no way of knowing how things will work out, I've had amicable break up,  life threatening break up, money draining break up, would I change any of it, in a heartbeat, but hindsight and wisdom are easy when looking back, once you have learnt the lessons. 

[Steve_M]

10 minutes ago, Bender said:

@FozzieDear God don't ask lunatics on the internet for advice regarding women and kids, that's asking for disaster right there

 

Mostly no way of knowing how things will work out, I've had amicable break up,  life threatening break up, money draining break up, would I change any of it, in a heartbeat, but hindsight and wisdom are easy when looking back, once you have learnt the lessons. 

Good point. Well made.

[Stu]

6 hours ago, Fozzie said:

I've got an interest in these threads as recently it feels like everyone around me was either splitting up, or locked in a horrible battle for child access. To the point I was wondering if my generation is just broken, but it does seem like I've just been naive to the chances of it going sideways and it's more widespread. 

 

My girlfriend wants kids in a few years, and I've got no problem with this, she'd be a good mum and she's a very gentle person, but it's hard to ignore some of these situations going on around me and not asking "Was there anyway to see it coming?". It's not so much a lack of trust, more querying whether I've missed something I'd rather not learn the hard way. Like, did someone who wracked up debts have any history with bad finances? etc

 

Its true what they say! 

 

Love is blind! a lot of people get in so deep that its just normal life then they realise its not normal after they have made the break! 

 

as for warning signs when wracking up debt! its not always there! 

 

I worked/work stupid hours so was always put early and home late which meant I never saw the post well the ones that mattered anyway! and when I did it was too late! 

 

I always ask myself what did she do with the money but its history and I am in a far better position in life and I will just leave it all where it belongs! In the past 

[Mr Fro]

I have two sets of advice...

 

For the young 'uns coming up:

Don't get married

Don't have children

Big tits at 20, fat wife at 40

Always look at the mother

 

For my children:

Kids are great, they're the best thing in the world. You should definitely have them, especially as your career is really taking off!

 

Revenge is a long game.

[Fozzie]

12 hours ago, Bender said:

@FozzieDear God don't ask lunatics on the internet for advice regarding women and kids, that's asking for disaster right there

 

Mostly no way of knowing how things will work out, I've had amicable break up,  life threatening break up, money draining break up, would I change any of it, in a heartbeat, but hindsight and wisdom are easy when looking back, once you have learnt the lessons. 

 

Possibly a bad idea to ask the internet, but some of those that once gave me advice are now the ones in court fighting for their kids. 

 

I've had a bit of a mixed bag, I'm still in touch with some former partners, even if it was bumpy at the time of the split. Where it has gone bad, often the escalation isn't in what happens at the time but the claims that are made after contact is broken and emotions have run high. Once a story that started as me just vanishing really evolved into something nasty.

However, I don't necessarily blame them, as I swapped notes with an ex I worked with once, and we found a couple of people who were basically making up things we'd said to wind up the other into saying nasty stuff. So you just don't know if someones playing games for a bit of drama.

 

The biggest knock I've had stemmed from 5 years ago, I was supposed to get married, and now my single status is a legal technicality. Without giving the sordid details, it hit hard as it went wrong very suddenly. I tried to end it a number of times over 2 years, offered to keep the reasons quiet, but it just descended into complete chaos. 

 

I checked in with Bupa and got myself some help, my hands weren't clean either, and some bits had really messed with me. On the other side of all of that, and seeing mates around me go through worse, is why I hoped there was a way to see it coming.