MarkW

I'm in the middle of an international conference call and one of the Americans on the line just sent me this:

He also came up with "It's a Cock-Out" when Stuart Hall was convicted of sexual offences, but they didn't use it. Very highbrow paper, the Daily Star...

One of my mates is a newspaper journalist (well, the Daily Star) and came up with this. Made me chuckle.

For balance though, this is Trump's victory speech in full: "Now it's time for America to bind the wounds of division. To all Republicans and Democrats and independents across this nation, I say it is time for us to come together as one united people and kick out the gays, the lesbians, the ones in between who aren't quite sure, the blacks, the Hispanics, anyone who looks a bit Muslim or eats funny food, women who have abortions, or worse - who don't let me fondle their tits - anyone with a decent education who isn't taken in by my f**king retarded bullshit - all of 'em. We're going to drain the swamp and make America great again."

Didn't they release John Hinckley Jr recently?

Evening all. I'm off to Sao Paulo on Saturday for 7 days (4 days of sightseeing with a 3 day conference in the middle). Have any of you been, and if so do you have any recommendations for stuff to see and bits to avoid?

Ha! That reminds me of a conversation I had with a lad in Halfords a few week ago: That'll be £9.99 please. You don't know what this song is do you? It comes on loads. - Yes, it's Leave A Light On by Belinda Carlisle. When was it a hit? - Oh I dunno - around 1990 I guess. Ah.. I'd just have been a tadpole in the old man's nads. - Charming...

I met Philip Glenister at a charity fundraiser gig we were playing in Harrogate back in May. I don't really watch TV, so I didn't have a clue who he was! There were also a load of other 'celebrities' from Coronation Street (no idea who they were either) and Willie Thorne, who I did recognise. Bob Champion was also there, and luckily our singer knew who he was.

I always thought London and San Francisco in the mid to late 1960s must have been amazing, and if I could go back and experience any era that would probably be it.

He works as a porter in the local A&E, so you'd think he'd have seen enough traffic accident victims to know better. But even so, posting a photograph you've taken of yourself gurning at the camera as you're driving up the motorway beggars belief. He got well over a dozen vitriolic comments from people in the space of about 60 seconds before hasily taking it down.

As I was mooching around on Facebook a few minutes ago a photo popped up from one of the dads at my kids school. It was a selfie of him at the wheel, bombing up the motorway from Stansted airport with his 8 year old son curled up asleep on the passenger seat - no proper child seat, lap belt up under his armpit and the diagonal chest strap around his neck. I posted one of the tactful and erudite comments for which I am renowned on FB: "You f*cking moron - have you got sh*t for brains or something?" It was taken down within minutes, but seriously - some people...

Whilst watching my two boys in their swimming lesson today I glanced across into the gym and thought I really ought to make an effort to get my rancid body into shape. Then, as I was going downstairs to leave, an alarm went off and two blokes ran past with a defibrillator. I immediately became deeply spiritual, took it as a sign from the almighty, and am now safely sprawled on the sofa with a bottle of cider and a bag of peanuts. You can't be too careful where your health is concerned...

If you used a trowel instead you'd probably get a bursary from the Arts Council.

"We can't stop here - this is bat country!" I can't even begin to tell you how much I love that film.

Last week, when I was safely out of the country, my eldest son's teacher told my wife that he was a very mature little boy and a great role model for the other kids. Now that I'm back, as we sat outside the changing rooms this afternoon waiting for my wife to try on some clothes, he entertained the other people in the queue with a faultless impersonation of Dr Gonzo singing 'One Toke Over the Line' from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. There's no getting away from it: daddy is not a good influence. "> " onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

I also enjoy gloating over the misfortunes of others, if that counts.

I've seen some daft tattoos in my time, but the upper arm of the guy in front of me on the plane back from Milan today took the biscuit: three clouds and a carrot.

She worked in California, and was nicked nearly 1,800 miles away in Kansas. I guess she could have got lost...

It is! They've got some great stuff in both. The one up by the airport has a lot more space, and when I visited it was very quiet - I almost had the place to myself! Must take the kids next time - they'd love it.

The MD of our biggest competitor in the US has been jailed for 'possession with intent to supply'. Seems she turned to dealing ilicit substances to keep her business afloat. It's a tough industry to be in, especially for small start-ups, but that's taking things a bit far!

I'm in Washington DC for a conference this week, and with nothing of interest on today’s agenda I jumped in the Mustang, dropped the convertible roof and drove like a bast*rd from Falls Church to Chantilly. The plan was to see some aeroplanes, and more importantly, escape the religious dingbats who were closing in on me from every direction. If you’ve never been to the Udvar-Hazy Centre, which is situated right next to Dulles International Airport, and you get the chance, I’d advise you to go. It houses one of the most astonishing air and space collections I’ve ever seen. I arrived as they were opening the doors at 10.00, intending to spend a couple of hours; they kicked me out when they closed at 5.30. They have the Enola Gay – not a copy – the actual plane. The Enola Gay is the B-29 that dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima in 1945. 80,000 people were incinerated in a matter of seconds and five square miles of the city were completely destroyed, which, whilst undeniably bad, pales into insignificance alongside its more recent atrocity: inspiring that bloody awful song by OMD. They also have the space shuttle Discovery in there. I phoned my 8-year old whilst standing underneath it and asked him to guess where I was, giving him a clue that it had something to do with space travel. After he guessed that I was on the International Space Station I spent the rest of the day worrying that I'd raised a retard. Anyway, that's not your problem. It's not even my problem until I get home, by which time I'll have a new problem, like the £770 servicing bill my wife has just told me about for the XC90. If anyone can recommend a good book on insurance fraud and how to get away with it, I'd be grateful. So, if you like air and space stuff and get chance to visit, it's well worth it.

I don’t know what it is, but there’s clearly something about me that acts like a magnet to nutters. I was in the gift shop at the bottom of the Air and Space Museum in Washington today, paying for a few bits and bobs I’d picked up for the boys, and was served by a very friendly middle-aged lady called Wendy who clearly had some minor mental health issues. We got chatting as she scanned my items, and she told me how she’d visited England once a few years ago, and how she’d grown up watching “Faulty Towers” and “Are You Being Served?” I said I hadn’t realised they were so popular in the States, at which point she proceeded to reel off line after line from both series. And then, for some reason best known to herself, she put on her best Mrs Slocombe voice and shouted: “YOUNG MAN! TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY PUSSY!” To say you could hear a pin drop would be an understatement: the furthest reaches of space would have been deafening in comparison. Every pair of eyes in the place was on me – or more accurately, my hands. Obviously they were nowhere near Wendy’s little fluffy, and after some loud sniggering from her colleagues (who were clearly well used to her) she calmly said “That’ll be $65.95 please” as though nothing whatever had happened. Seriously, if this is the price I have to pay for being such a charming and affable people-person, I think I’ll just start frowning and grunting at everyone from now on.

What made me feel old was that these 14 and 15 year old kids were almost adults - certainly in their attitudes and behaviour. It can bring you up short sometimes to realise that a whole childhood and early adolescence has passed in what seems like the twinkling of an eye! I remember the conversation with my neighbour (a weapons technician in the US Airforce based in Lakenheath) as if it was just a couple of years ago. And as if feeling old wasn't bad enough I seem to have managed to post my earlier comment twice, which suggests I'm losing my marbles.