MarkW

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound; a dimension of sight; a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… The Twilight Zone. For your consideration: MarkW. An ordinary man on an ordinary journey. But for this man a simple quest has turned into a living nightmare, for he has stumbled into a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. It is the dimension known as ‘PC World' - a dimension with the outward appearance of the present day, but which is inhabited entirely by proto-hominids from a time at the dawn of our species. A case to be filed under 'F' for 'F*ckwits', in the Twilight Zone.

"Hi, I'm Norm Abram, and today on the New Yankee Workshop we're going to be making our version of some hideous piece of crap that we saw in the Shaker Village Museum that nobody in their right mind would have given house room to in over a hundred years."

Yup - I'm quite partial to a 3/8" rounding over bit myself. All those years I spent watching Norm Abram's New Yankee Workshop when I should have been studying have finally paid off!

Thanks guys. Amazing what you can do with a router and a few simple jigs!

I'm going to write that on my ballot paper. Problem solved!

I've always been a floating voter, albeit tending slightly left of centre, but this is the first general election where I genuinely haven't got a clue how to vote. The choice is between a ludicrous Marxist clown, an unhinged Tory and a Lib-Dem who talks to invisible cloud people.

Just on the off chance that anybody is even remotely interested in my handiwork, here are a few photos from the rebuild of our PA cabs. They've turned out OK!

Now that's definitely worth knowing - thanks! I've already shelled out for the new replacements (and stuck them in place with industrial adhesive) but I'll keep them in mind for the future.

That would also have the benefit of stopping his cockney-style rendition of 'Country Roads' after he's had a few. I like it!

Well, I built two exact replicas of our PA cabs and have just given them their first few coats of Tuff Cab, which describes itself as a water-based self-crosslinking acrylic paint. However, given the number of drunken whores who invade the stage at our gigs, not to mention our keyboard players habit of spilling beer everywhere (we managed to short out half the Yorkshire Showground a couple of years ago when his pint landed on the mixing desk) I'd like to make my handiwork as band-proof as possible. Any advice on what sort of clear top coat to use? I was thinking of polyurethane, which is hard as nails, but it tends to go yellow after a couple of years. Some sort of lacquer? Or polyacrylic? Any help greatly appreciated, as always...

Job done.

Excellent - and in stock at my local Screwfix. That's my Sunday morning sorted then. Thanks guys!

For the trifling sum of £250 I am now the proud owner of two bits of shiny plastic tat, aka the wing mirror covers for my XC90 to replace the ones stolen last weekend. I'm looking for a way to make them much harder to take off; not impossible to remove, just difficult enough to give me time to unlock the front door, knock them to the ground, smash their thieving pikey hands into a bloody pulp with a lump hammer, and plant and old kitchen knife on them so I can claim I was acting in self defence. My first thought was that double-sided number plate tape. It's incredibly strong, but the grab is instant which doesn't give me any time to jiggle them into place. My next thought was some sort of silicone adhesive. That'll give me enough open time to fit them properly, and will squidge into all the internal nooks and crannies for a firm fix. But which one? General exterior mastic or a silicone adhesive? I'm looking for the strongest stuff available, so if anyone has any suggestions I'd be grateful!

Look what I found in a 200 year old hardware shop in Poole yesterday! Probably part of their original stock judging by the layer of dust that was on it.

He'll be in the Royal Stoke Hospital, or whatever the hell they call it now: it was the City General when I was born there (still no blue plaque I noticed on Friday night). Anyway, it's a 15 minute taxi ride from the train station, so easy to get to. Parking charges are the usual NHS rip-off, so unless it's a beautiful day for a ride I'd be inclined to take the train.

If anyone on here was in the Harry Ramsdens in Bournemouth this evening and wondered why the bloke sat in the middle of the restaurant burst out laughing with a mouthful of fish and then almost needed his wife to give him the Heimlich Manoeuvre, you have your answer.

Just checked a Volvo parts site and the covers are £113 each! So that's £226 I'm going to have to find. If I'd caught him in the act I'd have split his f**king ball bag open for him.

Thanks Hoggs. They've only nicked the covers off the wing mirrors, but I just know they'll be £10 parts that you can only get buy buying the whole £500 mirror. Time to hit eBay, methinks...

Ooh, are dunner need say 'ope ee gets berrer soon mar mate 'cos Stokies are the most loveliest people in the 'ole world. Yer conner find a berrer place live, duck.

Having only had three days off since last summer we thought we'd take the week off and stay with my mother in Stoke for a couple of days before dragging her down to the south coast with the kids. On our first night here she woke me up at 2 am to say she'd accidentally overdosed on her medication, which resulted in me sitting in A&E for almost four hours. Then I got up this morning to discover that the new car had been vandalised last night. I've lived in several places over the last 25 years, and Stoke is the only place I've ever had trouble: I've had a car stolen, a brick through the window, a stereo stolen, scratches in the paintwork, a mirror broken off, and once caught someone syphoning petrol out of my tank in the middle of the night (I glossed over the details of that one when I came to part-ex the car and the dealer asked me about the head-shaped dent in the wing). I hate Stoke.

Back in the good old days of the early 1990s there was a 'professional' waste disposal company who would take asbestos away for a very reasonable rate. Admittedly they kept getting caught lobbing it over the nearest hedge, but they were competitive on price.

So, there was a great moment on the speed awareness course this morning. During the hazard perception section they put up a picture of a road that bends off to the right in the distance and said "No matter how good a driver you are we can guarantee that not one of you knows what's around that corner." I did: it was taken outside the Mr Kipling factory in Newcastle-under-Lyme, and my mother's house is around that corner.

Oh great - more good news: our other XC90 is a late 2004 model.

It's ok, you'll get a grand against a new one back when they bring out the diesel scrappage scheme... Ha! Anyway - here's the new car. Apologies for posting an agricultural vehicle on a bike forum...