Who Do I Think I Am?

[MarkW]

I have had rather a lot of very good news by email this month, the upshot of which is that I am about to join the ranks of the super-rich. Inevitably this will lead, in due course, to my forced participation in the usual farago of celebrity asininity, such as Masterchef, Come Dancing with Bruce Forsyth, and finally that celebrity genealogy program.

This latter activity should be particularly interesting, as I had always understood the essentials of my family tree to be mill-workers on my mothers side and engineers on my fathers. But clearly at some point several of my illustrious forebears had the gumption to decamp to various far-flung and exotic locations, and to become minor functionaries in the financial services industry. The Bank of America, the Bank of Nigeria, the Central Bank of the Democratic Republic of Congo - all staffed by descendants of those early pioneers, and all eager to offload truly obscene amounts of cash: a quick tally puts the total at around €240 million so far.

Unfortunately, if their grammar and spelling are anything to go by I'm not going to want them opening their mouths as they stand next to me on the telly, not least because the prospect of being addressed as 'Dearly Beloved One' in front of millions of viewers is not one that I relish. Still, I suppose I could make the effort to smile at them indulgently in that way other celebrities do when some long-ignored and piss-stained geriatric brings out the family photo album.

Anyway, I'm afraid you poor people are all going to have to fack orf now - I've got tweeds and a monocle to buy.

[Mr Fro]

...celebrity genealogy program.

Anyone else read that as celebrity gynecology?

[MarkW]

...celebrity genealogy program.

Anyone else read that as celebrity gynecology?

Now that's a program idea Roger Mellie would have been proud of!

[Mr Fro]

Ha! Celebrity shit in a bucket.

[MarkW]

"'Ere Tom - I've had a brilliant idea for a game show. It's called 'Celebrity Bumhole' and it's a winner."