MarkW

Evening all! I have a few trips planned on the bike over the next couple of months, and given the chilly weather I thought I'd invest in a heated vest and gloves rather than have to resort to the car. I'm just trying to figure out if my bike can handle the extra load of these items plus a satnav. I'd be surprised if it couldn't, but better to be safe than sorry. So... The vest, gloves and satnav combined will draw 8.8 Amps, and I'm assuming that's at the maximum heat setting. As far as I can tell from online info the ZZR1200 alternator produces 45 Amps at 13.5 V and 8,000 RPM, so am I good to go? As always, any advice much appreciated!

So, just by way of a finale to this sorry tale, legal advice has now been sought, and as far as I can tell is being completely ignored. It is hard to describe the stupidity of my brother-in-law to those who haven't met him, but if you took a low grade moron and lobotomised it you'd be getting close. Instead of acting on the advice he received and initiating divorce proceedings he is doing what he always does when the going gets tough - running away and hoping the situation magically resolves itself. His big plan is to go to Australia for an extended stay with an equally mentally deficient ex-girlfriend. How on earth he expects to pay for his flight given that he can't even afford to keep his mobile phone topped up is beyond me, but he assured us that he has it all worked out. Frankly, I wouldn't fancy his chances at working his way out of a darkened room, but I'm willing to be astounded.

Congratulations! I can't recommend being self-employed highly enough. I was always too insubordinate to work for other people, so sooner or later it was always going to be self-employment or unemployment After 8 years I couldn't ever go back to working for someone else.

There was an infamous case of escalation between a builder and a disgruntled customer about 20 years ago near where my mother lives. It started with the customer turning up at the builders house in the middle of the night and spraying a huge cock on his front lawn with weed killer. A few days later the builder retaliated by mopping an industrial quantity of Nitromors all over his car. I can't remember who did what next, but it ended up with one breaking into the others house whilst they were on holiday and cutting everything in half with a Stihl saw - doors, furniture, TV - and then the other responding by Akro-propping the internal walls and knocking them down. Unsurprisingly, the estate where all this went on was featured on one of those 'Neighbours from Hell' programs some time later.

Actually, we were thinking about getting a gene sequencer for the lab. Now, if I offered him an introductory rate for both kids...

Thanks guys - that's all great advice and much appreciated. He knows that one of the three children isn't his as it pre-dates their relationship, but I can't help thinking a spot of paternity testing might not go amiss on the other two...

Just thought I would seek the wisdom of the forum members on a little family law matter. We had a call from my wife’s eldest brother last week to say that all was not well between him and his wife. In all honesty I can’t say that I have ever liked her much: she is classic Jeremy Kyle fodder - a complete fantasist, a consummate liar, and until recent surgical intervention also super-morbidly obese. She has never done a days work in her life, and is as common as she is idle. At a family wedding some years back she regaled the assembled guests with the precise details of how one of her children was conceived. Suffice to say that if you parked your car in Stoke town centre one evening in around 2005 and are still puzzling over the hippo’s-arse-sized dent you came back to find in the bonnet, I can enlighten you. She converted from Christianity to Mormonism a few years ago, partly to give her more to tell us all about herself, but mainly so she could sponge off their charity. Not being a religious man myself I’m no expert on these things, but it seems to me that the churches she joined operated more like swingers clubs than places of worship, as several of the congregation appear to have enthusiastically availed themselves of all she had to offer. It also transpires that since March last year she has been carrying on with a man whose kids go to the same school as hers, frequently taking them round to play at his house whilst the two of them nipped upstairs to play hide the sausage. So, this whole sordid tale was laid bare last week, when she came back from another session at this bloke’s house to demand a divorce on the basis of ‘irreconcilable differences’. She has since moved in with him, taking the kids with her. Now, my wife’s brother is a lovely bloke, but if brains were dynamite he’d struggle to blow the wax out of his ears. His wife on the other hand is a sneaky, manipulative parasite who will certainly be out to screw every penny out of him that she can. I’m no expert on any aspect of the law, and least of all this sort of thing, but I wasn’t aware that ‘irreconcilable differences’ was grounds for divorce in this country, or that the adulterous party could instigate proceedings. My understanding was that unless she can demonstrate unreasonable behaviour on his part (which is unlikely given the fact that he’s worked himself half to death to keep the lazy bitch) it would be him that had to file for divorce on the basis of adultery, desertion, unreasonable behaviour or some combination of the three. Our advice has already been that he gets himself some professional legal guidance ASAP, but he’s so dopey that I can see him just letting things rumble on unless we can give him a proper kick up the backside. I could do with being able to point out to him the possible consequences of not taking things in hand quickly – in terms of maintenance, or any rights she may have to his current or future earnings etc – in order that he doesn’t let this just rumble on. If anyone has any advice or other info to share it would be much appreciated! Thanks folks.

Aha! All becomes clear! Cheers Rennie

Probably going to look a complete bellend for asking, but what are these tags of which you speak?

I don't have any tattoos, but I did stand behind a woman in the security queue at Heathrow airport a couple of years ago who had an image of a woman - how shall we say - 'performing an act' on a horse tattooed on her right shoulder. Classy.

Ahh! You have a woman's body, m'lord!

I'm in! I'm hoping to organise a charity gig in 2015 to raise some money for a young musicians charity that was set up in memory of my oldest school friend, and a fellow biker. I might see a plan forming here...

Oh yes! I do love the sound of a good Strat. I started playing bass as an 11 year old back in the mid 1980s, and spent seven or eight years in various local bands doing the pubs and clubs thing. I also played in a few jazz / big bands and in the orchestra pit for a couple of shows before hanging up my bass for nearly 20 years. No idea why really - I guess it just disintegrated as we all moved to different parts of the country and took up other interests. Then about three years ago I decided to learn the guitar properly, and took a few lessons with a local teacher. One day I was noodling on the bass he had in his studio, and he mentioned that his band were looking for a new bass player. Having not played seriously for so long I was a bit concerned that I wouldn't be what they were looking for, but after a very informal audition I was in! Obviously I used this as an excuse to buy the Trace Elliot rig I'd hankered after since I was a teenager, and to make up for lost time when it came to buying basses (the collection currently stands at nine, although there will be some culling in the new year). I love every minute of the band - there's nothing to beat the buzz of playing to an enthusiastic crowd. We are basically four middle aged blokes (bass, drums, guitar, keyboard & vocals) and a slightly younger female vocalist, knocking out covers of everything from Jackie Wilson, Stevie Wonder, Rolling Stones, REM, Blondie, G&R, Bon Jovi, Lynyrd Skynyrd and 70s disco stuff through to CeeLo Green, Taylor Swift and more modern offerings. Ian Dury's 'Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick' is my personal favourite - great fun to play and always goes down a storm! Our guitarist is a pro, but the rest of us just do it for fun and don't take it remotely seriously. There are half a dozen pubs and clubs here that book us regularly, and we've also been the resident band at the Great Yorkshire Show a few times. We're not slick or polished, but we're good fun!

Had a great gig last night just outside Harrogate in a pub full of pre-New Year revellers. I prefer playing to drunks because they are less discerning, and seem happy enough to endure my hopeless bass playing. One guy was so hammered that he fell head first into the cellar. Never seen that done before. The landlord checked he was OK and then unceremoniously booted him out into the night. I took a bass along that I've recently been considering using as my main gigging bass, and it was epic. After a few years of using MusicMan, Fender, Warwick and various others I have settled on the new Cort A5 Custom SP. Ultra playable and fantastic range of tones. Looks nice too! I got talking to a couple of bikers at half time, and one of them said he is also a guitarist. It got me wondering who on here plays in a band, and if so what instrument, what sort of music, and where. I'm going to make an effort to see more local bands in 2015, so if you're anywhere near me I may well try to get over to see you.

I could never stand Chris de Burgh at the best of times, but his use of a light year as a unit of time rather than distance irritates me whenever I hear it. Mike Oldfield's "4 am in the morning" tautology in Moonlight Shadow is another one that always makes me cross. I do realise this makes me look like someone who needs to get a life...

"A spaceman came travelling on his ship from afar. 'Twas light years of time since his mission did start." Obviously he wasn't a physics graduate then...

The XC90 has AWD, which apparently means that drive is normally sent to the front wheels until they begin to slip, at which point drive is increased to the rear. Maybe the strange tyre chattering is something to do with this as it goes up and round a tight bend simultaneously. Dunno. I had a good poke around under the bonnet yesterday, and the power steering fluid level was a tad low, but not near the minimum mark. I topped it up, but as it was a fair bit darker than the stuff I put in I'll probably do a full replacement after Christmas. I also found a small trail of oily-looking stuff under the pump which may have come from there (in which case the drive shaft off the pulley wheel looks like a likely source) or it could have found its way there from somewhere else. I cleaned it up and will keep and eye on it to see if I can confirm where it's coming from.

I have to say I do like Volvo, and bought the XC90 because I'd been so pleased with the S60 I had before. It was an 02 plate that I had from 2006 to 2012, and in six years of high-mileage motoring it cost nothing in repairs. And it was so comfortable on long trips it was like a motorised armchair. I love everything about the XC90 apart from the reliability of mine, and will definitely have another one - I'll just pay a bit more for a better example next time. We also have a 2011 S60 which we bought in March, and so far the only issue with that was a failed gasket on the drivers side headlight cluster, which flooded the ballast. Luckily Volvo replaced it free of charge as a manufacturing defect, otherwise we would have been looking at the thick end of £800 for a replacement unit!

Yup, El Bastardo (aka our XC90) is knackered again. Twenty years of good fortune with second hand cars was more than made up for when I bought the damn thing a couple of years ago, because it has cost a small fortune in repairs. The worst was a bill in the hundreds of pounds to replace a £3 gasket buried somewhere in the bowels of the engine. Then there all the faults that I haven't got around to fixing yet; the interior lights that come on every time you go over a bump; the CD auto changer that disintegrated internally into a box of jangly metal bits; the electric seat that can't decide what position to be in; the non-functioning remote central locking. The current problem is the power steering - or lack thereof. I had a small crack in one of the pipes a while ago that squirted fluid out when the wheel was turned, but that was replaced and things were fine for a good while. Now it's back to being very notchy, and turning the wheel more than 45 degrees in either direction is very stiff. I'll have a poke around tomorrow, but I'm guessing that if there are no leaks and the fluid condition and level is OK it's probably a pump problem. It was particularly bad in the multi-storey this evening, where I was reminded of another odd thing. When turning to go up the ramps between floors the front wheels chatter across the concrete as though they are being pushed sideways. Very odd. It's always done it, with wet tyres and dry, old and new, and regardless of speed. Anyone know what might be causing it?

Good stuff Rae - looks as though you all had a great time. We took our two boys to see Jeff Wayne's War of the a Worlds at Leeds Arena last night as a surprise, and they were absolutely mesmerised by it. We bought them the DVD a couple of years ago, since when it's hardly been out of the machine! And as a bass player it was also fantastic to see the great Herbie Flowers at work.

Yeah, I know where you're coming from there. I was probably one of their most awkward students - congenitally insubordinate and a total non-conformist! Once you've got the gist of the GUE system you can dial it down a bit to suit yourself. For example, all recreational dives with GUE have to be nitrox dives. Now, if I was going to spend an hour bimbling around an inland dive site with a couple of mates there's no way I'd waste my money on nitrox, so I'd get an air fill and be done with it. I'd also happily dive with non-GUE guys as long as I was confident enough in their ability that they weren't going to get me killed. I think in the early days GUE got a lot of people's backs up with their 'our way or no way' attitude, but they seem to have softened their stance since then. A couple of their top UK instructors are very laid-back guys who take a very pragmatic approach to diving. The key things you take away with you are the in-water skills and a mindset that is geared towards avoiding problems before they happen, and for dealing with them very efficiently if they do. I don't dive at all any more - I jacked it in over 2 years ago because I got fed up with it. I never got the opportunity to dive abroad, and as my wife had no interest I was restricted to cold and murky UK diving at weekends, when I'd rather have been at home playing with the kids.

I don't think you've missed out by not doing the PADI specialities to be honest, because most of them are pretty noddy: Quick drop to 40 metres, look at a squashed pop bottle that was full at the surface, congratulations - you're now a certified Deep Diver. Same with the Diver Propulsion Vehicle course: jump in, fire the scooter up, terrorise a load of open water students and then home for tea and medals. GUE do have one or two funny ideas though - they won't train smokers, for instance, which always struck me as a bit daft. The argument was that they expect a very high level of physical fitness from their students, and yet I know several smokers who are a damn site fitter than me! But the biggest wrench for me going over to GUE was having to abandon my beloved dive computer! I had a great unit with a transmitter on the cylinder to give me my gas pressure, but that had to go. Instead you have a depth gauge and a bottom timer and calculate your decompression schedule in your head using ratio deco. It sounds horrendous, but it's actually a really simple method that eliminates reliance on computer software. Let me know if you want more info and I can pass on the contact details for your local GUE instructor. They are all good guys.

I've been involved with a couple of PADI schools: one was very much of the box-ticking type, the other was a first-rate outfit that really took their time to develop your skills and proficiency. They're not all the same by any stretch of the imagination. By the same token I've dived with plenty of BSAC divers - instructors included - that are just underwater accidents waiting to happen. I even saw one instructor jump in without turning her gas on and hit the bottom like a stone. As I mentioned earlier, I trained with PADI and BSAC and there's not a great deal of difference between them in terms of the required standards - they just get you there by slightly different routes. Like lots of recreational divers, I thought my skills were pretty good: I had an extensive collection of cert cards and was perfectly comfortable dealing with just about anything underwater - free-flowing regs, torn drysuit at depth, o-ring blow-outs, out-of-gas or panicking divers - all dealt with without any dramas. Then I went on a GUE experience day. The level of proficiency these guys demonstrated made PADI and BSAC look hopelessly amateurish in comparison. I ditched PADI on the spot and signed up for GUE training and never regretted the decision, even though it entailed selling every bit of dive gear I owned and purchasing a complete set of more appropriate kit. I maintained my BSAC membership during my preliminary GUE training, but parted company with them shortly afterwards due to their stuffy and inflexible approach to better ways of doing things. The debacle over hog-rigging was a prime example, with BSAC refusing to acknowledge a configuration that is hands-down safer and better than the conventional short-hose alternate air supply configuration. What I liked about GUE was that everything they did was thought out very carefully and logically and had to work flawlessly in high-pressure real-world situations. BSAC just did things because that's the way they'd always done them. The GUE style of diving (also known as Doing It Right, or DIR) is sometimes criticised as being elitist, and in fairness the personalities of some of the early American pioneers didn't do much to endear it to a mass audience. But that has changed enormously, and all the instructors I've met in the UK, without exception, have been excellent educators and top blokes. If and when my kids want to learn they won't be going anywhere near PADI or BSAC, it will be GUE all the way. I'm not evangelising on behalf of GUE, it's just that for me personally, had I known about them at the outset (and had they had an entry-level course at the time) I would have saved myself a lot of time and expense messing around with the two mainstream training agencies. If the OP wants to know any more about GUE there's a forum (DIRx) and plenty of Youtube videos showing the training methods and the proficiency levels. The training is a lot harder and more involved than PADI/BSAC, but the rewards in terms of underwater comfort, competence and efficiency are well worth the effort.

Ha ha! No, but I did toy with the idea of leaning over and saying 'bad luck'. I was also surprised that when the waiter came over he didn't order a pot of English bast*rd Tea

Well that was an unexpected start to the day - I've just had breakfast with Alex Salmond in the George Hotel in Edinburgh. I once shared a café table with Alan Bennett at Leeds railway station, but that's it for my celebrity dining experiences.