MarkW

Up to now the only people I've unfriended have been a soppy couple who posted nothing but vomit-inducing declarations of undying love after she got caught having an affair, and a childless vegetarian woman in her early 40s who quit work as a librarian because it was 'too stressful' and who referred to her rabbits as 'her children'. When one of the festering things died the resulting melodrama went on for weeks, and culminated in her seeking advice on how best to treat the surviving bunny. Suffice to say my recipe suggestion was not well received, and resulted in a sanctimonious and humourless lecture on the moral superiority of vegetarianism. Who needs that sh*t? Not me - Zap!

Like I said at the time: "I might not be Mr Right, but I'm happy to shag you til he turns up."

My wife has just taken our youngest son to the toilet, and all I can hear is "Have you finished? Is that it? OK, now pull your trousers up... no, leave that alone... come on... for god's sake stop messing around with it... right, now wash your hands..." Takes me right back to our first date...

Sorry mate - only just seen this! The carb and the fuel hoses were full of crap, which was surprising given that the carb had been serviced and the old fuel filter was clean. Swapped out the hoses, cleaned the carb, and all apparently is now running as it should be.

I only joined Facebook about four years ago after my diving buddies gave me a hard time for not being on it. To be fair it did help with planning dive trips, but then I stopped diving when I realised I hated almost everything about it, except the actual being underwater part. Since then it has been pretty handy for organising gigs with the band (or at least it would be if our tool of a guitarist didn't keep double-booking himself). But I have to agree with the previous comments: it is for the most part a mind-numbingly boring place, full of people who were my mortal enemies at high school, where we spent five years punching each other in the face, who now think that I care which airport departure lounge they're sitting in at this precise moment or how well little Tyler is doing in mixed-infants thuggery. And what's more, if I had my way the 'living organ donor' register would automatically be populated with anyone who sends me a f*cking Candy Crush Saga request: whenever the NHS needed a lung or a heart they'd just send a van round with a couple of surgeons. May as well go to someone who's actually likely to make proper use of them. Right. I need alcohol...

Despite my best efforts to restrict my FB friends to people who are actually my friends (as opposed to the common practice of friending anyone who interacts with you in any way whatsoever whether you know them or not) a few have slipped through my net and are in need of culling. I intend to start with the exercise freaks, and specifically anyone who precedes their status updates with ‘BOOM!’, posts nothing but tedious gym updates, refers to ‘smashing’ things instead of merely exercising them, thinks I give a toss about their latest ‘personal best’, and who uses ‘whoop whoop’ to express excitement. This particular abomination popped up on my news feed the other day when I was sitting on the sofa, watching Wheeler Dealers and trying to enjoy a Chocolate Orange: "BOOM! Smashed abs and pecs at the gym this morning!!! Then a new 5 mile PB!! Whoop whoop!!!" I can’t help thinking that ‘Unfriend’ hardly seems enough for this sort of offender – napalming would surely be more appropriate, especially as I was balancing said Chocolate Orange on my stomach as I sat there reading it. Next up will be any adults who think skateboarding is cool (it isn’t and it never was – you look like bellends) and who still talk the way they did when they were malodorous and pimply adolescents. This video caption was from a 40 year old bloke recently: “Yo G Man! Big ups for popping this sick ollie!” Seriously, just f*ck off with yourself. And get a job. Right – let’s do this…

I'd like to think that if the late great Christopher Hitchens had made Cilla the subject of one of his magnificent exposés he would have called it 'Mersey Trout'. His comprehensive debunking of the dreadful Mother Theresa was variously subtitled 'The Missionary Position' and 'Hell's Angel'. He thought 'Sacred Cow' was perhaps a tad tasteless.

Oh for God's sake - this is beyond a joke now. All I did on that other forum was mention 'Mersey trout' in my reply to a particularly nauseating bit of fawning sycophancy, and now there's practically a price on my head. Honestly, some people...

It is indeed - in fact there's a distinctly Electra Glide shaped space at the far end... Anyway, here is a shot of the old girl. Mechanically pretty good, paintwork knackered, 98K on the clock and in need of some TLC. Sounds like a perfect little project to me.

Decision made, and deposit paid on suitably knackered old Honda ST1300.

I don't believe you. I need PROOF! Secretly hoping she's the spitting image of a 25 year old Felicity Kendal... Here's a photo of her trimming her bush

I should be alright then, because I never go above 69.9 mph. Ever. Funny thing though, speed. I ride down to Folkestone at 70 mph, bored to tears. Then I hit the French motorways at 80 mph and think "Ah, this is more like it." Then after half an hour I'm back to being bored again. Interesting info regarding the high speed weave. I'm certainly up for fettling a used and abused example and seeing how well I can live with it. I love the ZZR, but there are so many other bikes out there I'd like to try!

Yeah, as I say I've spoken to a few owners on the Eurotunnel, and they all seem very happy with them. Nice looking bikes!

Hmm. So now I'm thinking I should tackle the head bearings, forks and other little fettling jobs on my ZZR next month ready for my trip to Basel, and get a knackered old Honda as a little restoration project to keep me sane through the worst of the winter weather. That's the economically sound option, as I can spend as much or as little as I want, when I want, on the restoration, rather than be tied in to a monthly contract on a newer bike. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't be quite so sensible, but we have staff in the lab who need paying every month, so I'm having to be a tad less profligate. Not totally so though - I fully intend to buy an Abba Sky Lift for the sheer hell of hoisting my bike in the air at funny angles and wheeling it round the workshop.

Ha! That's a bit optimistic for me mate! Most forms of DIY for me are like the arrow in the philosophical paradox that never reaches its target: it gets halfway to being done, then half of the remaining half way, then half of that half and so on, getting incrementally closer to completion without ever actually getting there. I am also inordinately fond of distractions, diversions, tangents - in fact anything that falls short of actually getting the job done. Having a project bike that can be tinkered with at leisure is one thing, but if I start dismantling my main bike without a back-up I'll be bike-less for months!

It was around 6% when I spoke to my local BMW dealer a few weeks ago. The deposit and monthly repayments are in line with Honda, but the final payment is considerably higher. I need to check their mileage allowance too, 'cos I'd have burned the BMW allowance half way through the term!

I was hoping you wouldn't say that! I'd have taken the BMW in a heartbeat if the finance option had been a bit better. Perhaps I'll start the hunt for a decent second hand one...

Does the ST1300 have a reverse gear? I thought that was just the Goldwing - or am I getting confused?

Over the last few months I have been looking at adding another bike to the stable, swinging wildly from buying something newish (the BMW K1600 GT being the frontrunner) to buying something old and in need of restoration that would be both an interesting project and also suitable for taking over European touring duties when I decide the time has come to turn my trusty ZZR into a fettling project. There are a few things that need doing to it (head bearings, fork rebuild, new sprockets etc) that I fancy having a crack at myself, but inevitably that means it'll be off the road for err... ages. After a bit of searching I found a 2002 Honda ST1300 Pan European with 100K on the clock for less than £2K that was more-or-less mechanically sound but in need of some TLC. It looked like an interesting proposition until I popped onto the Honda website to see what sort of finance options they were offering on a new one. And for a deposit of roughly what I was prepared to pay for a 13 year old bike, and a monthly repayment (fixed at 0%) that is more than covered by the saving I'll make in nursery fees when my youngest son starts school in September, I could buy a brand new 2015 model. A considerably better deal than the BMW guys were offering when I spoke to them a few weeks ago! So now I'm tempted by the shiny red Honda, with a few extras. My knowledge of them is limited to the few owners I've shared channel crossing with, who generally have nothing but good things to say about them (expensive servicing seems to be the recurring gripe). It ticks a few of my touring boxes (shaft drive, good range and decent fuel economy, comfortable, plenty powerful enough and with loads of storage) but if anyone has any other experiences or information to share I'd be really grateful. I could conceivably make this years trip to Basel on a brand new bike and then take the spanners to the ZZR when I get back!

No, but she is the third straight woman to tell me that if she was a lesbian she'd happily get it on with my wife. I'm sure there's an opportunity I'm missing out on here...

The only advice I can offer after being pulled for a minor speeding infraction many years ago is that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle is unlikely to cut much ice. "Are you sure you know which direction I was heading in officer?" "Yes sir." "Then you can't possibly know how fast I was going. Good day!" "Step out of the car please sir..."

A small world indeed. I used to go out with a girl who lived next door but one to me in Stoke. We split up 20 years ago and had no contact whatsoever until we recently became Facebook friends, when we discovered we'd spent the last five years living less than 500 yards apart in Harrogate!

Aye, I'm only joshing. As Hunter S Thompson said "Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously."

Aww bless ya! I hated turning 30 in April haha! Please tell me you just learn to deal with it and get over it as you get older?! I can't imagine I'll ever feel older tbh, I bet you don't - bikers are always more fun ! I feel more grown up now I can drive - but mainly cos all my friends did it years ago, and I'm more independent now, so it feels amazing . Inside every old person is a young person wondering what the f*ck happened. I'm 42, and feel exactly the same as I did when I was 17. Apart from the bad back. And the knackered knees. And the fact that I'm overweight and so unfit that I can't keep up with my kids, not to mention the massive increase in general intolerance, pedantry and irascibility. But the biggest shock came a couple of months ago, when my wife and I found ourselves home alone for a couple of hours without the kids. Years ago we would have indulged ourselves in a frenzy of animalistic sex, but instead we thought "ooh - we can plant those strawberries!"

Hey hey! Congratulations! By the way, I was made to feel very old in the queue for the checkout the other day: a woman was saying to her friend "Oh my god - can you believe it's been seven years since I took my driving test?" and I stood there thinking "Yup - and you weren't even born when I took mine!"