puggybear

I just invented 'STAR WARS' coffee!

I call it 'R2Dcaff'!

And while I'm here-has anyone else noticed that fat birds defy the laws of physics?

Anyone?

It's true - the more they weigh,the easier they are to pick up!!!

[not that I have personal knowledge,of course...I hereby refer you to joke #557]

Right-I'm off to peel the cat. Goodnight.

.....and another thing - namely,sponges.

HOW can something so full of holes,hold so much water?!?

Yes Dear informed me it's about time we had the pitter-patter of tiny feet around Chez Puggybear.

Ohhhhhhh,boy.

So-I got her a puppy. Weeell-it's MUCH cheaper - and you get more feet!

[what,exactly,is a 'divorce settlement',anyone?]

My neighbour insisted it's impossible to drive spaghetti.

WRONG!

[you should've seen her face as I drove pasta...]

I don't cheat on my 'significent other' [aka 'Ratbag'] and never would.

There is NO WAY I'm carting my iphone,ipad and macbook into the shower every time!

I had a dump on my neighbour's roof,yesterday.

It caused a bit of a row between us.

So today,I wiped the slate clean...

Later,we went to the world's quietest bowling alley.

When they said 'silent',they really meant it.

....you could hear a pin drop...

I agreed to help out at a meeting of Kleptomaniacs Anonymous,last night.

...I had to stand,as all the seats had been taken.....

Well,it's finally happened...my g/f & I have parted.

I just could NOT put up any longer with her constant counting.

Every waking moment of every day,that girl was counting.

I know it's a form of ocd,but,ALWAYS she was counting.

.....I wonder what she's up to now.....

Simple,Grumps...you'll remember that the buxom,cuddly wench you've spent the night hugging & kissing is called 'a pillow'...

"Luke-update the force..."

[Adobe wan Kenobi]

It's not so much that I'm childish,it's more a case of I'm not grown up-ish.

When sh#t happens,I just think "Ok Pug [coz I'm informal when I talk to myself] when it's your turn to be re-incarnated-COME BACK AS GOD!!

WHADDA WE WANT?

RACING CAR NOISES!

WHEN DO WE WANT'EM?

NEEEEOOOWWWWWWW!

I had to ring the police last night.

"Police-please state your emergency"

Hello? There's two women here and they're fighting over who get to take me home".

"Ok sir-but why's that an emergency?"

"The minger's winning!"

Y'know,I used to sit staring at arcade machines,wondering how they work.....then the penny dropped....

I went into my dentist's office and said "Please help me-I keep thinking I'm a moth!"

He smiled gently and said "Pug,you need a therapist,not a dentist".

I replied "I know-but your light was on!"

So,it's official. Poundstretchers and M & S are to join forces in the High St.

...apparently,their new joint venture is to be named 'StretchMarks'...

Y'know,I always feel a bit guilty about crushing my granny's tablets into her bed-time hot chocolate.

...but it has to be done-I'd never forgive myself if I got her pregnant...

I was in bed with a blind lass last night [lucky moi,eh?]

She murmured "ooh,Puggy-your cock is HUGE!"

...I smiled [like y'would] and said "Aww,you're just pulling my leg"...

...and I didn't do myself any favours when she suddenly appeared wearing just a cape and mask and yelled "Hey-Superpussy!"

...coz,like a prat,[i was watching MOTD,so not thinking] I said "I'll just have the soup,please"...

Tut..I'm in trouble with 'er indoors again.

Apparently,when she said "Take me somewhere different",she didn't mean up the chuff!

oops....

My optician has just today told me the problems I'm having are because I'm colour-blind.

...well THAT was a bolt from the pink!

Aww,Mr Rant,so kind,old chap-so,especially for you...

my missus says my dick reminds her of Marmite.

...she hates me spreading it on her toast!....