puggybear

It isn't easy for Jonathan Ross to ask directions to Guildford.

...Surrey seems to be the hardest word.....

I think I've finally cured the wife's fear of being buried alive.

...the muffled screams finally ceased over an hour ago.....

My mate says he always locks his car,since his satnav was stolen.

I always lock mine-those satnav thieves can get lost!

LOVELY weather lately-so much so that I wore my trunks on the beach yesterday.

Nothing else,just my trunks. Which caused quite a stir.

It seems trunks are NOT acceptable when used as a hat..

Meanwhile,my chubby buddy has asked me to sort out some XXL trousers for his wedding suit.

...I'm learning as I go,but I've made some giant strides....

My Geordie mate reckons he's the best in our gang at flirting.

....he's wrong....because when we all jumped into the pool-he sank!

My other granddad died on his 99th birthday.

Which was a shame,as we hadn't finished giving him the bumps.

My granddad died of pneumonia.

We did try an old cure and smothered him in goose-grease,but he went downhill really fast after that.

I went to see the house of the inventor of the toothbrush.

HOW did I know it was his house? Simple-by the plaque on the wall!

....or as the ISIS Suicide-Bomb Instructor said;

"Gather round,lads-I'm only going to show you this once...."

I'd just like to warn you fellas;honesty is NOT always the best policy.

The g/f and I have split up...somewhat acrimoniously.

It's HER fault-she murmured "Say something really nice",as we were snuggling.

So,coz I'm honest,and I wanted to please her,I said;

"You've got the cleanest sink I've ever pissed in".....

Oh,yeah. It's ok for YOU.....

Damnit,I've misplaced/lost/mislaid my Thesaurus...

....I just can't find the words to express/explain/describe/clarify how upset I am....

Strange creatures,teenagers;

years ago,they kept diaries. If anyone read their entries..Hell to pay.

Today,they post on Farcebook..if nobody reads their entries..Hell to pay.

WTF

I'm really good at mental arithmetic-97% of my answers are correct.

....so I don't fuss about the other 5%

Y'know,birthdays are GOOD for you.

After all,the more you have,the longer you live!

I sent my mate five blank emails this afternoon.

He's just rung to find out why.

I explained I have loads of them,so I thought he might be able to use a few.

I asked the librarian where the Self-Help section was.

She said that if she told me,it would defeat the object...

I just came third in a sunbed competition...hmm,bronze-not bad...

TC,if I might give a small word of advice;

do NOT let the bridge of your varifocals become loose,or start slipping down your conk. Seems obvious,but it's surprisingly common to see spectacle-wearers swiftly giving their specs a shove back into position. With varifocals,it makes a BIG difference. Keeping them where they're meant to be makes a HUGE difference to the way you move your head/compensate for 'blur'. I know this seems obvious stuff-but with varifocals it makes a MASSIVE difference. Plus,if you aren't looking through the correct part of the lens,even by a very small distance,you quite possibly will wonder why you're getting headaches. I use varifocals for close work [long-sighted]and I swear by them...but I learned the hard way not to let the bridge grips become loose. So-keep'em tight! Errm...I'll go away now..

Oh,pretty mundane,Moo. I was driving my car along a country lane toward a steep bend which has a humpback bridge on it...JUST as I got to it,a femme came zooming round it toward me,took off as she topped the humpback,lost control and span into me backwards. I'd got right onto the verge-but she was determined! Sudden deceleration ensued,as it tends to in such circumstances...but my left hand flew forward. A sharp edge of the rapidly buckling dashboard ripped straight through the tendons and muscles in my hand,severing the thumb. Bit of a tedious job,trying to pick your own thumb up,especially when you have cracked ribs. Still,c'est la vie.

HOWEVER-word to the wise-I've discovered it's IMPOSSIBLE to roll your shirtsleeves up without using your thumb!

[see? There's some good in everything-I made a scientific discovery!]

The annoying thing is that had I been on either bike,a quick flick of the wrist would have had me WELL out of her way......yet the faceless 'they' insist bikes are dangerous........#sigh#

I went to a local funfair last night and won an instant meal prize at the coconut shy.

I cooked it as soon as I got home.

First time I've eaten 'boil-in-the-bag' goldfish!

Since I had my thumb sewn back on I have hit the F)*%KING thing against EVERYTHING in this F~%"KING house! F*~K IT!

[it smarts a bit]

I'd go with the general flow here....a bike is God's way of justifying tarmac.....but a guitar doesn't require special clothing or sunshine to be enjoyed. I love my V-max AND my Fudge. I don't have any requirements for bigger/better/faster. The Mighty Fudge has been to Sicily 24 times,Maxine has been all over Germany and Belgium...BUT....I can close my eyes and start to play one of my guitars-and I'm transported to anywhere I want to be. I'm told that the instant I start to play,my eyes change. Apparently I go to a land only I can see. If I do that on either bike,drift off into my own world,the consequences tend to be a tad dispiriting. So,I agree with the majority..I'm a biker...but your guitar doesn't depend on sunshine,it MAKES sunshine!

25th of August,I got my car smashed to bits,my thumb ripped off + two broken ribs,from a woman losing it totally as she shot round a bend over a humpback bridge toward me. She span,then rammed my car backwards. Although I'd gotten totally off the road onto the verge [country lane] she denied responsibility-although several witnesses were present.

I got my union onto it.

SOD fee-chasers.

They've been BRILLIANT. I've had my thumb re-attached,but I'll need physio.

Car was cut to bits to get us out. Mrs Me has a broken sternum + a bruised heart.

My union have been STALWARTS-they even came to see The Ratbag in hospital,with flowers!

I'm not sure what the £££ will be at final count-so far it's £15,000 to me,The Old Bat has yet to be assessed for long-term issues. I wasn't after max wedge,I really wasn't. Just a quick end to the bullshit. Replace my car,compensate for injuries,I'll sort the rest out. But the union have been XLNT!

William Shatner's new underwear range has been declared a flop.

....apparently,women don't like the name 'Shatner Knickers'.