Smokin Joe

Bill has a row with his wife about her housekeeping and storms off down the pub with her shouting after him, "And you can bloody well sleep in the spare room tonight" After a few pints he feels a bit guilty because maybe he's being mean to her after all and he makes up his mind to give her an increase. He gets home and the house is in darkness, so he creeps upstairs and as he passes the spare room the door is ajar and he can hear her gently snoozing. With a grin on his face he decides to give her a little treat, so he quietly goes in and sees a soft female form lying face down under the duvet. Down on his knees he gets and starts licking the back of her thigh, working slowly and gently up till he's pleasuring her with his tongue. He hears her giggle then start to purr and moan, before eventually giving an excited gasp and a shudder before sighing and laying still. Giving her a playful slap on the bum he gets up and says, "Wait till I get back, if you think that was nice I'm going to give you a seeing to like you've never had before" With that he leaves the spare room and heads into the bathroom. As he goes in he's astonished to see his wife lying in the bath with a glass of wine and a book and exclaims loudly, "What the fuuu...." She glares at him, "Shut up you fool, you'll wake your mother. She's come to pay us a visit and she's asleep in the spare room."

I ended up with an older woman at a pub last night. ... She looked OK for her age. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a ‘Sportsman’s Double’. “What’s that?” I asked, thinking maybe a beer and whiskey mix. “A mother and daughter threesome,” she said. I said “No”, excitedly,...”Never had one of those.” We drank some more, then she said that tonight was my ‘lucky night’. So we went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, “Mum, you still awake?

The law discriminates against people who are not Sikhs.

Funny, my mum used to say to me, "It's not the other people on the road I worry about, it's an idiot like you".

We all should have the right to go to hell by our own route, so I'm firmly in the no camp. That does not mean I would not wear one myself, but I have no right to tell others what they should or should not do. And the argument about what you do effecting others is a very dangerous road to go down, bearing in mind that motorcycling is one of the most dangerous forms of transport risk wise.

Two wives go on a girls night out. On the way home much the worse for wear they're both busting for a P but there are no toilets open so they hop over the wall of a cemetery and squat behind a couple of gravestones. Next morning one of the husbands phones the other and says, "That's the last time my wife goes out with yours, she came home with no knickers on". The other one says, "You think you've got problems mate, mine came in with a card stuck to her crack saying 'From all the lads at the fire station, we'll never forget you"

Turn the bike upside down. Worked with my push bikes.

Not so. Going up a tooth from 14 to 15 on the front will be a jump three times as much as going down one tooth on a 45t rear. Think about it.

Friend of mine opened a shop selling Bonsai trees....He did so well he had to move into smaller premises .

The mechanic needs another fiddle with the clutch, he's adjusted it so it's slipping. And get it done sooner rather than later before you burn the clutch out.

How true. When my much loved Capri died on me a few years back a quick check under the bonnet it was one of those simple little things that had caused it to stop. A piston had come through the side of the block.

An arb walks into an amn.

I'd be worried too. Metal shavings in the oil means one or more internal components has suffered serious damage. You need to get used to checking the oil level regularly, not just waiting till you notice a problem. What does the engine sound like?

Chrome is porous and water will get always through into the metal underneath. It needs a regular wipe with an oily rag or whatever commercial products that form a barrier to seal it from the wet.

I use chain wax myself, though you'll get as many recommendations as there are brands of lube. If you commute in all weathers a daily spray of oil during the wet spells won't do any harm, if you're a sunny weekend warrior like myself just do it when it looks like it's getting dry.

Sorry, I don't get it at all. Can you explain?

The CX500 was developed from a Honda project bike which had the same engine but only 360cc and that put out 38.5 BHP, so your bike will be nudging fifty. No matter how many miles on the clock it won't have dropped to anywhere near 33BHP. Get it restricted or invite a whole load of trouble.

Plugs would be my first port of call too. They are service items that need replacing several time in the life of a bike and were something that was routinely checked in the past but tend to be neglected these days because the tank needs to come off to get them out.

I had the same trouble with my car, as suggested WD40 cured it.

Fair enough.

I don't claim any expertise on this, but will there be consequences? I've managed to do it in the past and got away with it and I know when this discussion came up somewhere before the consensus seemed to be that petrol needed a spark to ignite it. Not claiming it wouldn't or couldn't, but...

What a strange race, fantastically exciting because of Bridgestone's tyre cock-up and it's kept the championship alive. Lorenzo and Marquez were both lucky to stay aboard after their coming together and the latter made a real howler with his late pit stop. Moto 1 and 2 were both as good though it's a great shame about Scott Redding. I hope he turns out to be ok for Japan.

Buy a Haynes manual and find it's been written by some clown who hasn't been within 100 yards of your bike.

Superman is flying through Metropolis when he sees Wonder Woman lying in the grass in the park, stark naked with her legs open. He thinks if he drops down at supersonic speed and gives her a quick one she'll never know who it was. So down he goes, has a lightening shag and then zooms off again. "What the hell was that", cries Wonder woman. "I Don't know, but my arse is killing me", says the Invisible man.

I've never been a fan of top boxes. Apart from being pig ugly they upset the balance of the bike if you put anything remotely heavy in them. Tank bag or throw over panniers would be my choice.