MarkW

Well, as it's my company there's nobody to reprimand me, and the staff know better than to try it! But just in case one of the little snowflakes does read it and then melts all over my nice new office carpet I have taken your advice.

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You'd have made a piss-poor Anne Summers rep.

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That sounds great mate - much better than the old job. In my final year at high school I had to do a two week work experience placement, and chose a local garage. My old man had just kicked the bucket, so I figured I ought to learn how to fix the shitty old car he'd left us with when it was playing up, which was most of the time. The careers adviser vetoed it on the grounds that I'd learn nothing useful in two weeks, and would probably spend my time making the tea. Instead, they sent me to a photography studio where I spent a fortnight at a copying stand, turning pages and pressing a shutter release. That turned out to be so much more useful!

If he relies on his Hermes training, then delivering the customers car back to the wrong address, chucking the keys over the hedge and not answering the phone when they call to complain.

If you bottle feed your baby you can't go far wrong with Les Dawson's advice: "If they squirm when you stick the teet in, you've probably got them the wrong way round."

Obviously my original post wasn't serious and I'm certainly no advocate for vigilantism, but your comment here made me think. This person has completely evaded justice by scuttling back to the US and hiding behind morally bankrupt officials, and having killed someone through carelessness has effectively got off scot free. Had she stayed to face a trial I too doubt very much that she would have gone to jail. Any lawyer would doubtless have told her the same, which makes her cowardice even more despicable. So, if there is a fair and transparent legal process and you choose to evade it, can you complain if you end up on the receiving end of a different form of 'justice'?

Correct, as are the amoral vermin protecting her. Or perhaps they think they're being helpful - sparing us all the hassle of our bothersome legal processes by unilaterally deciding it was an 'accident' and that a prison sentence would be 'inappropriate'.

If Boris was serious about justice for Harry Dunn he could appoint the lads father as the next UK ambassador to the US, whereupon his wife could fly out to join him, bump off Anne Sacoolas and then return to the UK, claiming diplomatic immunity. Simples!

One of my friends is a consultant urologist who carries a prosthetic testicle in her handbag. If you ever go out for a pub lunch with her and turn your back for more than a few seconds you'll find an extra pickled onion on your plate.

I'm afraid I won't be voting for any of you, as even the combined twatishness of everyone who has ever been a twat over the long and illustrious history of this forum wouldn't come anywhere close to the twatishness of that nauseating ginger turd Harry the Half-wit Prince. I cannot, in all conscience, waste a vote for utter twattery on one of you fine people when a more deserving recipient is currently serving up yet another whiny instalment of the twattishly over-priveledged life of a limp-dick multi-millionaire with shit for brains.

Are celebrity endorsements allowed?

Perhaps he's a Catholic...

Can I nominate myself? The other day I was asking my wife if she thought it was odd that I have no friends, and she said "Maybe for anyone else it would be, but you're a massive c*nt and everyone hates you." Sounds like a shoo in to me!

For Christmas I asked for a shiny Yamaha that's loud, silky smooth and fast as f*ck. Top marks to my wife!

It was definitely one of those double-take moments! Just after I clocked the scruffy clothes and copious food stains I noticed the camcorder held surreptitiously at waist level and thought "That's a bit odd." Then I realised exactly what he was filming! Dirty old bugger.

Just popped into town to pick up the last few bits for tomorrow and saw a bloke who looked like the spitting image of Australian Cultural Attaché Sir Les Patterson, wandering around the Cenotaph with a video camera, filming the arses of the women passing by. [mention]Six30[/mention]: can you account for your whereabouts and show us all what you look like?

I got caught out in Holland once. I'd set off from the UK in good weather with nothing nasty forecast, and the following day as I sat in a meeting in Wageningen the snow was falling so heavily I couldn't see the buildings across the street through the window. Riding home the following morning was "interesting" - especially on the back roads where the traffic-compacted snow had frozen solid over night. The main roads looked clear but were still lethally icy, and every time I touched the brakes the back end fishtailed around underneath me. I was glad to get the hell out of there! Plus the only time I've ever binned it was on ice a year or two later, so there's no way I'd ride in that sort of weather now. As for the worst thing about riding a motorcycle? Probably the assumption from other bikers that the mere fact we use the same mode of transport must mean I'm desperate to strike up an inane conversation. If I wanted to talk to strangers I'd have taken the f*cking bus. Go away and leave me alone. PS: Merry f*cking Christmas to all.

You dirty dog.

Meanwhile, across the pond: