Mawsley

Yep, want

Nice try. Orange and purple are complimentary secondary colours.

Because I'll wear what I want, when I want, and don't give a flying shit what anyone else thinks. In the current weather, I'm wearing this:

Not eaten in the Beeswing but I have seen the grub and it does look decent.

No one told me I could sell my PCP car - certainly not the finance company who told me I'd have to pay to have it collected or drive it to Colchester. Got some valuations online, all of them returned a handy cheque to me. Was going to sort it out today and no V5. I've stripped the office, the car and the garage. Nothing. I'm so annoyed with myself, I am a devil for looking after documents. At least I have time to sort a replacement.

Oh if it had been that good. Firstly, it was The Trading Post: "Spacious traditional pub with exposed beams, a large, decked outdoor terrace and carvery dining" - Let's be clear, the word "traditional" is doing some extraordinarily heavy lifting. It's one flat roof away from being the kind of place you buy bags of charlie, just butchered in the field knock-off meat, and know someone called Gripper (who has access to guns). The next impediment to a great evening was the fact that no one in the family had thought to reserve a table for 16. A Head teacher, an accountant and an NHS manager then vied to be the emergency coordinator...with predictably feeble results. Finally, we end up scatted across the "Spacious traditional pub" In places like this I only ever order fish and chips. No one can f**k up fish and chips. It's a universal constant of pub dini...oh, somehow the Michelin starred kitchen managed to completely f**k up the fish and chips. Still, grinning from ear to ear, at least it was more edible than the carvery everyone else opted for. Drink? You can either queue at the bar in one of the two lines - what the blue blazing f**k is that about - or use the app. Speediness comparison: Fastest - the time it takes the wife to say 'no' to anything I want to do Not as fast - Alton Towers queue for a roller coaster Pretty slow actually - waiting for a truthful answer from a politician Really damn slow - the time it takes to order a pint at the bar in The Trading Post Give up will to live - the time it take for a pint to be delivered via app So, shite food, awful company and piss poor beer service. At least nothing else could go wrong. Enter Paddy f**king McGuinness. By now most of us had agglomerated around two tables. My adult child, wisely, elected to remain at the table she was on. "Would you like to take part in the quiz?" said the woman. No, no we would not like to take part in the quiz. Nobody in The Trading Post wanted to take part in Paddy f**king McGuinness' quiz. The Trading Post didn't care. The Paddy f**king McGuinness quiz would go ahead anyway. It wasn't the real Paddy f**king McGuinness, it was a tape of Paddy f**king McGuinness with some clueless dolt shouting to each other over the constant feedback from the speakers (set at a Spinal Tap 11). I couldn't make out what my wife was saying to me but I did hear Paddy ask "Whooo am I pictured standing next to? Is it..." It was a f**king audio quiz and there was a f**king picture round! Paddy f**king McGuinness - ****. But then I couldn't hear anyone in her family either. Swings and roundabouts, eh.

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Morning all. Wife returns today. This is probably a good thing. I have to collect her at a pub and eat a meal. This is also probably a good thing. Her entire family will be there. This is most definitely not a good thing.

Fudge was nailed on to win Dog of the Day for the first time in her brief existence. Then, just before getting back in the car, she scoffs half a pound of fresh fox shit. Honestly, I’m not sure she values the kudos and respect that the Dog of the Day brings. Tediously, again, Fudge is a knob. So, for an impressive 465th consecutive day since the inception of the competition, Beamish wins Dog of the Day.

This weather makes me want a new lawnmower No, I've no idea why he has two pairs of sunglasses either

It appears that someone has a video of me pleasuring myself. Oh no. I hope everyone enjoys the movie. It's not my finest work - but I believe I brought something of value to the small screen. I reckon you will consider it up there with Brando's On the Waterfront, De Niro's Raging Bull, and Witherspoon's Legally Blonde.

Look again at the image - look closer - I'm sure you'll see her true nature

News programmes, newspapers and social media are vectors of bile and misery. The world would do itself a favour by turning the computer and TV off more.

A sizeable part of the British public will be delighted to see all of those small boats having been stopped.