puggybear

It isn't easy for Jonathan Ross to ask directions to Guildford. ...Surrey seems to be the hardest word.....

I think I've finally cured the wife's fear of being buried alive. ...the muffled screams finally ceased over an hour ago.....

My mate says he always locks his car,since his satnav was stolen. I always lock mine-those satnav thieves can get lost!

LOVELY weather lately-so much so that I wore my trunks on the beach yesterday. Nothing else,just my trunks. Which caused quite a stir. It seems trunks are NOT acceptable when used as a hat..

Meanwhile,my chubby buddy has asked me to sort out some XXL trousers for his wedding suit. ...I'm learning as I go,but I've made some giant strides....

My Geordie mate reckons he's the best in our gang at flirting. ....he's wrong....because when we all jumped into the pool-he sank!

My other granddad died on his 99th birthday. Which was a shame,as we hadn't finished giving him the bumps.

My granddad died of pneumonia. We did try an old cure and smothered him in goose-grease,but he went downhill really fast after that.

I went to see the house of the inventor of the toothbrush. HOW did I know it was his house? Simple-by the plaque on the wall!

....or as the ISIS Suicide-Bomb Instructor said; "Gather round,lads-I'm only going to show you this once...."

I'd just like to warn you fellas;honesty is NOT always the best policy. The g/f and I have split up...somewhat acrimoniously. It's HER fault-she murmured "Say something really nice",as we were snuggling. So,coz I'm honest,and I wanted to please her,I said; "You've got the cleanest sink I've ever pissed in"..... Oh,yeah. It's ok for YOU.....

Damnit,I've misplaced/lost/mislaid my Thesaurus... ....I just can't find the words to express/explain/describe/clarify how upset I am....

Strange creatures,teenagers; years ago,they kept diaries. If anyone read their entries..Hell to pay. Today,they post on Farcebook..if nobody reads their entries..Hell to pay. WTF

I'm really good at mental arithmetic-97% of my answers are correct. ....so I don't fuss about the other 5%

Y'know,birthdays are GOOD for you. After all,the more you have,the longer you live!

I sent my mate five blank emails this afternoon. He's just rung to find out why. I explained I have loads of them,so I thought he might be able to use a few.

I asked the librarian where the Self-Help section was. She said that if she told me,it would defeat the object...

I just came third in a sunbed competition...hmm,bronze-not bad...

Oh,pretty mundane,Moo. I was driving my car along a country lane toward a steep bend which has a humpback bridge on it...JUST as I got to it,a femme came zooming round it toward me,took off as she topped the humpback,lost control and span into me backwards. I'd got right onto the verge-but she was determined! Sudden deceleration ensued,as it tends to in such circumstances...but my left hand flew forward. A sharp edge of the rapidly buckling dashboard ripped straight through the tendons and muscles in my hand,severing the thumb. Bit of a tedious job,trying to pick your own thumb up,especially when you have cracked ribs. Still,c'est la vie. HOWEVER-word to the wise-I've discovered it's IMPOSSIBLE to roll your shirtsleeves up without using your thumb! [see? There's some good in everything-I made a scientific discovery!] The annoying thing is that had I been on either bike,a quick flick of the wrist would have had me WELL out of her way......yet the faceless 'they' insist bikes are dangerous........#sigh#

I went to a local funfair last night and won an instant meal prize at the coconut shy. I cooked it as soon as I got home. First time I've eaten 'boil-in-the-bag' goldfish!

Since I had my thumb sewn back on I have hit the F)*%KING thing against EVERYTHING in this F~%"KING house! F*~K IT! [it smarts a bit]

William Shatner's new underwear range has been declared a flop. ....apparently,women don't like the name 'Shatner Knickers'.

I just read [coz they use short words,co after a bit of mumbling,I can usually follow the gist] that 'Darth Vader' robbed a shop! You'd think he's wear a disguise,as he's so well known......wouldn't you?

Ikea have renamed their Flat-Pack range 'Suppository Furniture' .....because you put it up yourself..... [cue tumbleweed]

Chin up,Tango-can-I-call-you-Bob. My mate Attilio [yeah I know-it's Sicilian for 'Arthur'] just two weeks ago had open heart surgery. he had the same thing,two stents,plus a vein taken from his legs to bypass something-or-other. It involved sawing through his sternum,etc. BUT.....yesterday,Attilio and me went for a [admittedly slow] stroll around his village,then I drove him and his missus into town so they could go to Tesco. [Again,I must admit,slow 'n' steady,no skipping or prancing] But it's a mere two weeks to the day that he had the op,mate! So,big grins all round,Tango mIcyB....it beats the alternative hands down,bro! Right;seeing as we are both INCREDIBLY butch;consider yourself man-hugged. http://i42.tinypic.com/2ngefih.gif