puggybear

I said to my mate "It's been proved that 75% of males shove a finger up their arse when in the shower-guess what the other 25% do?" "Dunno",he said,"What?" "Eww! Don't even THINK of asking me to sniff your finger!""

I've just bought a painting by the much admired and revered Welsh artist,Vincent Van Gogogogoch!

I've been asked to be half of a pantomime horse this Christmas. I'll do it-but I'll quit while I'm a head....

The Dalai Lama walks into Pizza Hut and says to the assistant "Make me one with everything".

I saw Max live twice-I can tell yerz,the timing he had was perfect-and he was bloody hilarious,too. Now-what did I com..ah,yes.... A tale of light shining through the unemployment darkness..... My mate's son [17] has been told he has to go on a course learning to write his CV,or lose any entitlement to JSA. He left school this summer,having completed exams,etc. He's SO pissed off;his actual words were,"Everyone and their dog has a Ph D in unemployment,today". So he and a lad he was doing his exams with printed off some cards offering to do gardening/general handyman stuff,around this local area. He's had work FLOOD in-seriously,he's so busy he's getting home at 7/8pm. The thing is,'word of mouth' re the standard of his work is bringing him more work. His dad and I went to buy an old petrol rotavator one week ago-and already he's working on allotments,doing the prep work for Autumn planting,plus the gardening work,etc. So,6 'A' levels-and he's earning his wage by digging. [Not to everyone's taste,I know] But proof that if you don't give in,the light WILL break through....

I had a hard childhood,growing up in the roughest part of Rome. .....you have to be tough to survive,in the spaghetto

Fozzie,if I might interject.....don't hold grudges-hold your head up,mate! What you've got,you've earned,it's on solid foundations,you have a future. What your former buddy has is a paper house,built on bullsh1t. The older I get,the more I see the truth of 'what goes around,comes around'. I'm just a glorified dustman. I drive the roadtrains that swap those huge skips at recycling/amenity sites. I've done it for yonks. Since leaving the military,it's what I chose to do-I had my reasons. Everyone I was at uni with thought I was a complete idiot to 'waste my education'. But,I've never been out of work-rubbish/refuse/recycling just keeps on coming. All but ONE of my uni mates are on the rock-n-role,as their various companies have gone down the pan,shrunk,'downsized' etc etc. All of them laughed at me when they discovered what I chose to do. I will admit to some days being REALLY taxing-but,I own my home,car,bike,guitars...humble though they be. OWN,not 'am making payments on'. NONE of my uni mates can say the same. Plus,I have never ever owned [or wanted] a credit card. If I can't pay for it-I don't want it. That's just my personal ethos,but it works for me. So you hang in there,let the solid foundations you built hold you in place-and watch the circle turn.

Fozzie-it's all YOUR fault! [that kit kat you suggested-someone had already snapped it! Grrr!]

I'm not going into detail-you wouldn't believe it. But yesterday I 'sorted out' [let's leave it there] a really obnoxious self-important prick. .....turns out it was the manager's husband. I've never seen the dogshit egotistical ponce before. I have NO idea what the fat self-important slag was even doing on the premises-he shouldn't be able. So just ........ FAAAAAAARRRKKKKIIIIIIIIITTT! No. Just,no. I spent 12 years in 45,taking all KINDS of shit I'm not going into,so THAT fat ponce can be sarcastic to me,PLUS think he can touch me,push me,shove me- just because his gormless wife is the manager? ....NO. He learned the hard way,the painful way,THAT's not gonna happen! 'No action to be taken'....NOT because that fat cnut came 2nd when the physical stuff started,NOT because I'll go feral if they try to 'take action',Not because he 'got heroic' on me...but because SHE shouldn't have allowed the fat ponce on site,let alone given him a pass! And she KNOWS it. So-I've decided to ask for my P45 and move on,before he wakes up in an ambulance-& I'm in a cell. [i would just like to add . . .you have NO idea how many times I've re-written,re-phrased,changed and altered this,in an attempt to hide the white burning anger that even now is still like a furnace inside me. So,I apologise to you,who has NO idea what this is all about. I just feel better,a little bit,for getting it out. So,I proffer apologies to all/anyone who read this & is thinking WTF?? {even though this is the 55th version I've written,trying desperately to tone it down}]`

I find it kinda strange that Babestation isn't allowed to show tits until after 9pm .......yet BBC Parliament can broadcast real tits,live,all day every day.

I just won the 'Best-Kept Secret' award.... .....I can't tell you how much it means to me.....

Both my mate Dave and I have been diagnosed as having an inferiority complex. .....but his is MUCH more impressive than mine....

"Doc,every time I sneeze my eyesight blurs. It's worrying me" "That's easily cured-stop cleaning your glasses with your hanky"

I just can NOT get the top to unscrew off this tube of superglue. ....I'm not sure whether I'm annoyed or impressed.

Had my chest waxed yesterday. It was REALLY painful. My fault-should have gone to Pec Shavers. [apologies to Selene. her joke made me think of that...]

I actually have NO idea how old this computer is-but it has Mullions XP installed on ye harde drive...

Ok,you genuises of TMF,a question for yerz; When the Pope buys stuff from ebay....does he use his papal account?

I was asked "Puggy,have you ever eaten magic mushrooms?" I thought for a moment... "No-but I once sucked a radish that could do card tricks!"

My mate Geoff is an architect and an active member of his local am-dram group. He really knows how to make an entrance!

When our plane landed at Paris,I was behind Angela Merkel when the customs officer asked "Occupation?" "No. Just on holiday,this time".

[this is a real-life sob story. Have your handkerchief ready] Life was tough after my father walked out. Mum couldn't afford furniture,so I had to think on my feet..........

My worst subject at school by FAR,was fractions. I had no bloody idea what our maths teacher was talking about,half the time. .....well,I say '1/2' the time.....

I just found a huge ball of plasticine. I'm not sure what to make of it.......

A bloke came to my door to tell me he'd just hit my cat "Oh,shit-is he ok?" "I shouldn't think so mate-his head broke my snooker cue!"

Thanks Grumps. This joke-telling lark is like the Fibonacci Sequence;it's as easy as 1,1,2,3! [ok,ok,I know. coat,door....]