MarkW

This isn't strictly relevant to your situation, but many years ago I had a friend who tried to contest a speeding fine by claiming that the female police officer who clocked him had flashed her tits at him, and he was trying to escape her unwanted sexual advances. Suffice to say it all went very wrong for him from that moment onwards, but it was quite amusing for the rest of us.

Well frankly I'm surprised by you [mention]Six30[/mention]. I would have thought that if anyone could come up with two good reasons for her being PM it would be you.

That sounds like good advice, but if I took it I would be ignoring it. Now I'm going to spend my Sunday stuck in a philosophical paradox.

Dad? - Yes Jamie? Can I watch Aliens? - No. Oooh! Why not? - For the same reason I gave you last time you asked: it's a certificate 18 and you're 11. I won't be scared - I've seen all the behind the scenes 'making of...' stuff so I know it's all make believe. - It's not that concerns me so much as the wall-to-wall bad language. Oh dad! I hear the f-word all the time at school! - I'm sure you do, but there's also Daniel to consider, and he's only 8. Daddy? - Yes Daniel? My best friend Harrison says "F*ck" all the time. ---long pause--- - F*ck it then - put it on if you want.

No. The Circle Line, perhaps? It would explain the signature...

Meanwhile, liberal, fake, do-nothing scientists fail to report the real reason the ozone hole is closing:

Yup - it's just as I feared: I came downstairs to find my eight year old watching this: "> And yes, that is Ginger Baker on drums, smacked out of his gourd.

Nope - nothing. ">

Sitting on the sofa and watching Yellow Submarine with my kids, my 11-year old suddenly turned to me and said "Wow! LSD looks ace!" He's going to have to go cold turkey with something wholesome like Toy Story, or before I know it he'll have moved on to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

I stayed in the Tenderloin on purpose specifically because I was warned not to - shithole neighbourhoods are always more interesting than the nicer ones! I survived staying in the backstreets of Nairobi and a very dodgy part of São Paulo too!

If you haven't already, then take a stroll over Golden Gate bridge to Sausalito (if you see anyone suicidal on the bridge give them a shove - the great white sharks in the bay get hungry at this time of year) and once you've had a good wobble round take the ferry back to SF and do the Alcatraz tour. Then jump in the hire car and head 2 hours down the coast to Monterey and visit Cannery Row (with obligatory copy of John Steinbeck), making sure you visit the aquarium - it's very nice. Then go to the Harley dealership, hire a Glide and waft down Highway 1 to San Luis Obispo, via Carmel-by-the Sea and Nepenthe, where you can stop for coffee and a nice view. That's what I did. Apart from the shark-feeding bit.

In her search for creative outlets for her artistic talents my wife went on a glass-making course today. The teacher asked her to come armed with ideas for things she'd like to make, and so for the last few days she's been scouring the internet for inspiration, saving the things she likes on her iPad to show the class. I'm keen to find out how she got on, not least because when she was in the shower this morning I nicked her iPad and filled it with pictures of glass dildos.

Ha ha! Sounds about right! The first night I was there I was woken up at 5 am by a dawn chorus of scavenging winos and a mentally ill homeless man standing in the middle of the road having a blazing row with a traffic light. I asked the motel owner why there were so many prostitutes in the area with a police station right at the end of the street. He looked at me as though I was a complete cretin and said "The girl gets a third; the pimp gets a third; who d'ya reckoned takes the other third?"

You're not in the Tenderloin area are you? I turned up there late at night a few years ago and it was like the opening scene in a Charles Bronson movie. In fact, the hotel I stayed in was on the street behind where the hooker gets murdered with drain cleaner in one of the Dirty Harry films.

Years ago a family friend told me that he had never been a sexist until he'd met a rampaging feminist, leading him to start saying deeply offensive things that he didn't really mean just to get up her nose. I always thought that was a bit odd, and yet here I am - an entomologist, and by extension also a conservationist - thinking it would be a jolly good wheeze to napalm what's left of the rainforest just for the satisfaction of watching Greta Thunberg go apoplectic.

Possibly - I'm sure she thinks I'm a dildo...

Fessed up to being a Brexiteer I'll wager! Said he's going to vote for Corbyn I reckon... Hmm... Brexit or Corbyn. That's a bit like "If you were up to your neck in shit and someone threw a bucket of piss at you, would you duck?"

Me too! I'll ask when I see her.

My neighbour is a single mother of two young boys. She's very nice, but is definitely of the drippy hippy style of parenting that considers 'time out on the naughty step' her go-to strategy for disciplining her feral spawn. To any normal person whose brain hasn't been addled by years of joss stick fumes, sending your child to have their screaming tantrum on the back door step serves no purpose beyond letting the entire street know that you are an ineffectual parent rather than just your immediate neighbours. But still she persists, never raising her voice, never swearing, and never talking to them in anything other than the calm, measured and respectful tones an adult might use when confronted by a teenager with a flick-knife. Until this morning. Just as I was reading in the news the astonishing revelation that giving your kids time out doesn't do them any harm (the more pertinent fact that it doesn't do any bloody good either apparently being less newsworthy) I heard her totally lose the plot in spectacular fashion: "Arthur! You... you.. YOU ABSOLUTE F*CKING B*STARD!" I'm sure there are funnier things, but right now I'll be damned if I can think of any.

Didn't I read somewhere that there's a chatbot you can forward these phishing emails too so that they end up wasting their time in pointless correspondence with a computer?

A lot will depend on the way your helmet was made. If it's just Portland cement it won't be nearly as tough as a good ready mix concrete, but it will be lighter and so should help with the stiff neck.

That's a granny biscuit. When I go to give blood I always check out the biscuits first: if there's nothing better than Wagon Wheels or custard creams on the trolley they can whistle for my pint. F*ck 'em.

Cheers guys - I'll check both of those out.

Hi folks Just on the scrounge for information again, this time for any recommendations you may have for good parental control apps. My eldest has finally joined the rest of his mates and got a mobile phone, and we'd like to be able to set some safeguards around adult content, social media and games, as well as being able to track his movements. Qustodio was recommended for Android phones by the guy in the shop, but I know there are others. Any advice much appreciated!