Your worst joke!!!

[Bhawk]

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother f**ker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

[Justarn]

What have a square battery and woman's bum hole got in common?

Eventually your gonna lick it:-)

[Justarn]

What you call a woman with no legs?

Dirty c*nt.

Edited May 1, 2018 by Justarn

[Justarn]

What you call a man with a penis for a nose?

F*ck knows

[puggybear]

I just rang my local ramblers club.

WHAT a mistake...whoever answered just went ooon and ooon and oooon and oooon and ... [geddit? huh?]

[puggybear]

...and another thing,whilst I'm still gorgeous [huh-as if THAT'D ever change]

I really cannot remember the last time I ate creamed rice!

...which makes me wonder if I'm starting to experience ambrosia...

[puggybear]

The admin didn't remember me [sob!] as it's been a while. {some of us have t'work...y'know?}

So;they asked me for my password.

I replied TIPPEX. [correct me if I'm wrong]

[Bhawk]

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm

Apparently I ruined that funeral

[puggybear]

Yesterday,I took the M4 out of London.

BUT...

A copper stopped me & made me put it back.

[Six30]

Yesterday,I took the M4 out of London.

BUT...

A copper stopped me & made me put it back.

 

Not run out of Christmas crackers yet then

[puggybear]

Oh;sorry 'Six'....merely my futile attempt at humour.

I shall cease immediately,as soon as I finish reading this book about the invention of superglue.

...it's fascinating - I can't put it down...

[Justarn]

How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it.

[Baldrick]

"Now pay attention, 007!

This might look like an ordinary pen ... ... but turn it upside down

and you can see her tits."

[puggybear]

There's a lot of money to be made selling manure!

My mate started selling horse poo...and now he's rolling in it!

[Tango]

[Six30]

...

[Six30]

...

[Six30]

...

[Bhawk]

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

[Stu]

https://www.breakingjerseynews.com/home/2018/5/22/14-children-in-custody-after-gdpr-happy-birthday-name-disclosure-violation

[Bhawk]

I know I know...i need to seek help... but it's funny

[Bhawk]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me darlin' wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.

[Bhawk]

A couple more for those of us with bad taste

[Bhawk]

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Yep."

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Welshman: "Dog dont talk But."

Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Welshman: (Look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse dont talk but."

Englishman: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshman: "That sheeps a f**king liar bud!!"

[Bhawk]

A couple more for you