Six30 Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 Little Jonny goes in to his mum and dads room , his dad is giving his mum a good rodgering, jonnys dad looks up and throws a pillow at him " get out you little sod " he shouts at him laughing.Half hour later Jonnys dad hears a proper commotion coming from Jonnys room , his dad goes into Jonnys room and sees him giving his nan a good seeing to " what are you doing " jonnys dad screams,Not so f*^cking funny when it's your mum is it ! " replied Jonny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fozzie Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Where was Jihadi John going during the airstrike?Everywhere Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eastanglianbiker Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass..At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat. Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'THERE'S MORE. ...Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying anothercardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'IT IS NOT OVER YET....Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his feck'n hengliding!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glorian Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Friend asked if i wanted to go on a trip to scandinavia.I said "Norway?"He said "no really" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eastanglianbiker Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the bike, rescued the horse!Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his cock and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral): "When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bogof Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 My grandad has the heart of a lion.... and a lifetime ban from the zoo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bogof Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I got a new job cleaning mirrors... I could see myself doing that till I retire Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bogof Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 At any given time, the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only a whim away...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stu Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Dear God! they are getting worse! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bogof Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Dear God! they are getting worse! Thank you! I've got a joke about Elton John..... It's a little bit funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stu Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 ooooo no its not! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul_Giggins_77 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Last night Rick Astley knocked at door and asked if he could borrow some Pixar movies..I said, I will happily lend you Finding Nemo, Toy Stor and Cars......but I am never going to give you Up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bogof Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 I've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bast*rd. That bronze medal would be mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 An Irish mother in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home...and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Patricia, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever" "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing!There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation...She never got your E-mail." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glorian Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 What do you call a fish with no "i"'s ? A FSSSSH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fozzie Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 In my maths class I was doing some work on polygons when my teacher asked.“Quick fire question, how many sides does a pentagon have?”“4!” I reply.“Since when did a Pentagon only have 4 sides? Asked the teacher smugly.Apparently “Well... Technically September 2001” was not an appropriate answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chattingabout their relationships and decided to amaze their men by surprisingthem wearing black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask. After a fewdays they meet up for lunch and compare notes...The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he foundme with a black leather bodice, stilettos and a mask. He saw me andsaid, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love allnight long.The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and Iwas wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we made love allnight long .The married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the leatherbodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon ashe came in the door and saw me he said,'What's for dinner, Batman? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 I think I've finally cured the wife's fear of being buried alive....the muffled screams finally ceased over an hour ago..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 It isn't easy for Jonathan Ross to ask directions to Guildford....Surrey seems to be the hardest word..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RantMachine Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 It isn't easy for Jonathan Ross to ask directions to Guildford....Surrey seems to be the hardest word.....I think I've finally cured the wife's fear of being buried alive....the muffled screams finally ceased over an hour ago.....Woohoo, the king is back! And with some real crackers :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Aww,Mr Rant,so kind,old chap-so,especially for you...my missus says my dick reminds her of Marmite....she hates me spreading it on her toast!.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RantMachine Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Love it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 My optician has just today told me the problems I'm having are because I'm colour-blind....well THAT was a bolt from the pink! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Tut..I'm in trouble with 'er indoors again.Apparently,when she said "Take me somewhere different",she didn't mean up the chuff!oops.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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