puggybear Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 LOVELY weather lately-so much so that I wore my trunks on the beach yesterday.Nothing else,just my trunks. Which caused quite a stir.It seems trunks are NOT acceptable when used as a hat.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 My mate says he always locks his car,since his satnav was stolen.I always lock mine-those satnav thieves can get lost! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Ancient Chinese proverb say: Man who takes woman camping has one intent. should has sex when camping.. its f**king intents Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Fro Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 A wizard walks in to a gay bar...... And disappears with a poof. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Good one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey1984 Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Confucius say: Man who walk through airport turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fredc Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the Crows and to everyone's relief confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause:When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah CAH", not a single crow could shout "Truck." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.I thought she was joking... and then I saw her face As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!" She removes all her clothing and asks "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says "Here, iron this! A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while £20 fell out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said "Excuse me, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag". "Oh really? " said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thank you for telling me officer".Well now, not so fast" said the policeman. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh no no" said the old lady. "You see, my garden is right next to the golf course. On golf days a lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, really quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say "Okay ! Give me £20 or off it comes"."Well, that seems only fair" said the policeman, laughing. "Okay good luck! Oh by the way... what's in the other bag?" "Well you know" said the little old lady "not everybody pays..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 I was lying on the sofa watching the football when my wife knelt beside me, unzipped my jeans, and started giving me a blow job. Anyway, one thing led to another - it went into extra time and we won on penalties. Sports bras are meant to stop women's tits from jiggling up and down when they're jogging.They ought to re-name them 'Spoil Sport Bras.' Apparently the government is considering paying extra benefits to single gay men who are looking for a partner.It will be called 'Knob seekers allowance' As the executioner picked up the axe, I said, "I thought I was to be hanged. Are you going to chop off my head?""No, your legs," he replied. "The rope is too long." I couldn't remember the name of the girl sat opposite me so I asked what it was again."Jessica," she said. "Do you have trouble remembering girls' names?""Only the ugly ones," I said.To cut a long story short, I didn't get the job. I help Gary Barlow pay less tax.I'm not an accountant or anything like that, I just don't buy his records. What do you call a suicide bomber with an IQ of over 25?A smart bomb. My wife said, "Do you fancy a bit of role play tonight?"Brilliant. I'll be me, you be your mother," I replied."Get off me, you pervert!" she screamed."That's brilliant, love, that's exactly what she said. Now don't forget to cry when I shove it up your arse." I put my years of watching porn to good use tonight and had sex in an amazing new way.With another person. Me and my Scouse girlfriend are like chalk and cheese.I'm white and she's orange. I was watching an interview with Frank Sinatra where he was asked if he had any children."Rugrats? I've had a few," he said. So with the Women's World cup finally over, my German friend said sarcastically that it smacks a bit of '66 with England against Germany.I told him that with England beating Germany and the USA beating Japan, it's more like '45! Eric Clapton has denied shooting Omar Sharif I was sat minding my own business the other day when some girl comes up to me and says "Excuse me. How do you spell Apple?""Apple?" I said. "That's one of the easiest words in the English language! You must be absolutely thick as pig shit! How old are you?""Four" she said, crying.Anyway long story short, I'm no longer a nursery teacher. How many people does it take to change a light bulb?I don't know, but it's bound to be less than it would be for a heavy one. Given that it's going to take Greece 5,327,245.05 years to repay their debt, can anyone explain the difference between the EU and Wonga? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Thai police have confirmed 20 died in the blast in Bangkok..the dismembered remains of 10 female corpses and 10 male corpses were found at the scene along with 14 cocks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Mick is the landlord of the local pub, business is terrible, Paddy is his only customer.Mick said to Paddy, I have made a decision, the pub is not making any money so I am closing it and opening a brothel.Paddy thought for a few moment and said, " well if you cant sell beer how are you going to sell soup" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Fro Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 We'd just had our lunch and the wife asked me if I'd like fish fingers later. I said alright but I'd prefer it if she had a shower first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Skinny people are easier to kidnap.Stay safe - eat pies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Skinny people are easier to kidnap.Stay safe - eat pies. Fat people are easier to catch .. You need a van to get em back to your hide out though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 ........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobertWalker1994 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 What did one traffic light say to the other?Don't look I'm changing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RantMachine Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 A pirate and a sailor are standing on a pier. The sailor says "what's with that wooden wheel on your crotch?"Pirate replies "Arrr, It drives me nuts". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glorian Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I was standing in an elevator going to the top floor of a building. When it stopped at the 4th floor and 3 large women got in. They were all speaking in what i can only assume was a scottish accent. So i remarked"Wow you ladies must be from scotland"The curt reply i got was"IT'S WALES IDIOT"I apologized with"Sorry, you whales must be from scotland"That's the last thing i remember. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhJay Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 My mate David lost his ID the other dayNow we just call him Dav Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I thought my vasectomy would stop my wife getting pregnant ... Apparently it just changes the colour of the baby . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glorian Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Went to a zoo the other day all they had was a dog. It was a shitzu. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RantMachine Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Nietzsche walks into a pub.Barman says "What's the matter Nietzsche?"Nietzsche says "nothing". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Police arrested a women for stealing a sign that said "& Emergency"She said she found it by Accident Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggs Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 A guy gets pulled over by a policeman and asked for his licence which he hands over."Says here you need to wear glasses to drive" says the policeman"I've got contacts" the man replies"I don't care who you know!" says the policeman "You're coming with me" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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