Taken Ill. A Mortifying Experience..

[Tinkicker]

As most will have gathered by now, I do not take myself too seriously and am always ready to make someone laugh at my expense.

 

So week off work and this morning, decided to have a nice walk along the canal into Selby.  Lovely and sunny morning.

 

We walked right to the end of the canal to Selby sea lock, turned back and stopped by a burger cafe for a small burger and a can of pop.  Suitably refreshed, we set off back to the car....

A mile or so later, I began to feel distinctly uneasy.. Best pick up the pace a little... No stopping to look at the ducks ect, or to pat dogs.

 

A few minutes later.. A feeling of urgency came upon me.  That burger was going through me like fuel through a funnel or eggs through a hen... I was almost goose stepping at this point...

We were in the middle of nowhere, wearing nothing but t shirt and shorts.  The car was a couple of miles distant. Then the cramps started.  This was getting very alarming.

A few hundred yards later it became clear I was not going to make it...

What do you do? It was a new and somewhat unusual experience for me.  I felt naked. 

 

I know.  I will sit quietly on the canal side and hope it gets a bit less urgent. It didn't and to make matters worse, it transpired that I was sat on an ants nest...

There I was, trying desperately to hold everything together, suffering acute embarrasment and suddenly finding myself host to a couple of dozen ants.

They were on my arms, legs, face, neck and the blighters were stinging...  I had to move..

I stood and my guts made it clear that no matter how I tried to hold everything together, they were going to explode.  

So there I was at the side of a canal very popular with dog walkers, I had a very bad case of the shits and  could not sidle behind a bush because we had nothing to clean myself up with and mount etna was building up to an immenent eruption.  To cap it all I was covered in ants....

 

Eruption immenent.. I spied a wooden fishing platform a couple of yards away.  Only one thing for it.  I ran and leapt off the end of it into the canal. Managed to rip my shorts down as the eruption occurred.

ohhhh blisss... Disaster averted.  I was dripping wet, but it was the good kind of wet.

 

I emerged from the canal to the sight and sound of the missus doubled up on the canal bank laughing her head off....

 

I squelched back to the car to the sound of the missus breaking into bouts of hysterical laughter every ten yards or so....

 

I can laugh abut it now, at the time I was close to panic.

 

 

 

[Simon Davey]

Flippin' 'eck, that was nasty. 

Thank goodness it's summer. 

[Fiddlesticks]

I feel for you. Last time that happened to me we'd just left a cafe in Ingleton for a guided tour down a cave with thirty other people.

Edited July 17, 2024 by Fiddlesticks

[Simon Davey]

44 minutes ago, Fiddlesticks said:

I feel for you. Last time that happened to me we'd just left a cafe in Ingleton for a guided tour down a cave with thirty other people.

 

Don't know whether to laugh or cry at that one...

[Tinkicker]

1 hour ago, Fiddlesticks said:

I feel for you. Last time that happened to me we'd just left a cafe in Ingleton for a guided tour down a cave with thirty other people.

 

That would have made for some " interesting" accoustics.  It is a truly horrible predicament to be in and there is absolutely nothing you can do...

 

If I ever encounter someone in the same predicament, they can rely on my help and sympathy.

Edited July 17, 2024 by Tinkicker

[RideWithStyles]

With the font on the forum it looks like it say Taken 3 : mortifying experience, i first thought it was a film or book review…now it’s a comedy sketch .

 

feel for you.

I bet the car still stank but of canal and wet dog?

 

7 minutes ago, Tinkicker said:

  It is a truly horrible predicament to be in and there is absolutely nothing you can do...

 

If I ever encounter someone in the same predicament, they can rely on my help and sympathy.

Followed by the laughing mirrored by the his wife?  

 

[Fiddlesticks]

13 minutes ago, Tinkicker said:

 

That would have made for some " interesting" accoustics.  It is a truly horrible predicament to be in and there is absolutely nothing you can do...

 

If I ever encounter someone in the same predicament, they can rely on my help and sympathy.

Fortunately I managed to hang on.... But I turned a lovely shade of green. Partly the terror, I suppose.

[Tinkicker]

Yep.  Stank of mud.  At least it was not shit.  When I got home I marched straight into the shower fully dressed including my socks and trainers.

 

As I undressed I had to keep clearing the plughole of various types of torn off pondweed that were dropping out of my clothes.

 

I suppose in one way I am lucky.  As an ex boater, jumping into less than clean water for launching, recovery and maintenance purposes does not really faze me.  I am used to it.

Edited July 17, 2024 by Tinkicker

[Mississippi Bullfrog]

I take it you won't be visiting that particular burger joint again. 

 

 

[Tinkicker]

I think that is a given....

[curlylegend]

6 hours ago, Tinkicker said:

If I ever encounter someone in the same predicament, they can rely on my help and sympathy.

I'm glad to hear that.

But exactly what kind of help are you going to be giving ?

You could start carrying with you one of those folding cardboard thunderboxes that American forces used in Iraq and a roll of Delsey.

[curlylegend]

Or have you seen these ? Marvelous things !  Dried toilet paper tablets.

The actual instructions were missing with my delivery but it's easy enough to figure out how to use them.  You just swallow one with a meal and when it's time for your bowels to move your turd comes out already wrapped.

 

[Tinkicker]

 I was thinking more along the lines of sympathy and understanding, while staying as close as requested to offer what assistance I could offer. Of course, the missus would break into hysterical laughter and that would set me off.

Hopefully that would break the embarrasment of the other person somewhat.

 

A well known phrase... Shit happens.  Yup I can vouch for that after todays adventure.  

 

Missus and I were sat in the back garden with a beer tonight.  The question was asked.. Did you enjoy your walk....

Honest answer, yes I did, but I have had better......Would I change anything? On reflection no.  I think I have had reenforced, something very valuable today...

 

Respect is earned through being absolutely honest with yourself and others. I hope by being honest with you lot, laying myself bare to ridicule, I hope I come across as a bloke who does not have a stick up his arse.... A brace of sticklebacks maybe, and probably a diving beetle, but posting all postive " i am the master of the universe type posts" is incredibly boring and obfuscation.

 

Albert Einstein shit.  I shit.  Did Albert Einstein get caught short on a canal bank? Possibly.  Who knows.  Would Albert Einstein have had to shit in a canal after eating that Burger?  Almost certainly.

 

Thank you for your laughter.

Edited July 17, 2024 by Tinkicker

[Tinkicker]

24 minutes ago, curlylegend said:

Or have you seen these ? Marvelous things !  Dried toilet paper tablets.

The actual instructions were missing with my delivery but it's easy enough to figure out how to use them.  You just swallow one with a meal and when it's time for your bowels to move your turd comes out already wrapped.

 

Amazing what technology can do nowadays.  The cry to " get your shit together" suddenly becomes a thing...

[Mississippi Bullfrog]

8 hours ago, Tinkicker said:

 I was thinking more along the lines of sympathy and understanding, while staying as close as requested to offer what assistance I could offer. Of course, the missus would break into hysterical laughter and that would set me off.

Hopefully that would break the embarrasment of the other person somewhat.

 

A well known phrase... Shit happens.  Yup I can vouch for that after todays adventure.  

 

Missus and I were sat in the back garden with a beer tonight.  The question was asked.. Did you enjoy your walk....

Honest answer, yes I did, but I have had better......Would I change anything? On reflection no.  I think I have had reenforced, something very valuable today...

 

Respect is earned through being absolutely honest with yourself and others. I hope by being honest with you lot, laying myself bare to ridicule, I hope I come across as a bloke who does not have a stick up his arse.... A brace of sticklebacks maybe, and probably a diving beetle, but posting all postive " i am the master of the universe type posts" is incredibly boring and obfuscation.

 

Albert Einstein shit.  I shit.  Did Albert Einstein get caught short on a canal bank? Possibly.  Who knows.  Would Albert Einstein have had to shit in a canal after eating that Burger?  Almost certainly.

 

Thank you for your laughter.

Your reference to Albert Einstein may reflect the fact that you have just proved that some things can actually move faster than the speed of light. 

[S-Westerly]

Well you certainly haven't got a stick up your arse, at least not at the moment.  Nothing else either by your account!

[Bender]

My first thought was your going  into the canal for a swim  

 

I've had it happen once in the dom republic, sat in a 4x4 truck full of other tourists, the pain and the sweat..... luckily I made it to a local village toilet which was just a hole in the ground but god was I glad of it.

[rennie]

Good afternoon 

[Tinkicker]

Ambled around Castle Howard today.  Glad to report no gastric turmoils or nasty accidents.  In fact the only teeth clenching episode was sat on the A64 for an hour in heavy traffic. trying to get past the Malton roundabout.

 

I did think on the fact that probably more than one poor sod had in the past, suffered the same predicament as I in that infernal traffic and did not even have the luxury of a convenient canal close by...

 

Doesn't bear thinking about..   Sploosh.  Oh holy crap!  Geeze, open a window somebody.

[AstronautNinja]

I like how my theory has been proven correct. When one person shyts their self others respond with a similar story of escape turds. It's just human nature. The story telling, not necessarily the shytting 

[Fozzie]

Some quick thinking there!

 

I made a similar mistake very recently. I got the dreaded "Bali belly", which by ignoring became a full bacterial infection. Me being the silly sod I often am, got home and thought some clean living would sort it. I ate a peanut butter sandwich, and then followed it with a can of grapefruit. 

I had forgotten that grapefruit disagrees with me. Call it natures spring cleaning, in what it often induces. 

 

The mix of peanuts and the grapefruit seemed to conspire to form a very violent mix. I even suspect I found a synthetic fuel for the future. 

I made it home with the worst cramps I'd had in a long time to jettison all solids both digested and not digested as well as gas into the toilet. On the plus side, the bacterial infection seemed to be cured after this event, which I presume was because it was blasted out the hatch at what felt like the pressure found at the base of a Saturn 5 rocket at launch. 

 

My good lady was not impressed with the various metaphors I later used to describe it to friends... 

[Blackholesun]

So you shat into the canal ? That's bleedin disgusting 

[Mississippi Bullfrog]

37 minutes ago, Blackholesun said:

So you shat into the canal ? That's bleedin disgusting 

Fish do it all the time. And ducks. 

[Simon Davey]

40 minutes ago, Mississippi Bullfrog said:

Fish do it all the time. And ducks. 

Aaaaaaand, those who consume dodgy burgers 

[rennie]

reminds me of the gulf 90/91,

We took various pills and had countless injections .a particularly bad 1 was tablets called NAPS (nerve agent pre treatment sets) we were told to take them, they resulted in uncontrollable shitting! No warning no nothing just woops! I and several others had accidents on parade!