What's the funniest thing you've heard some say?

[Phooey]

I was talking to my son-in-law the other day and he tells me that he has had his CBF125 serviced and it cost him £80. Shocked look on my face and informs him that I service the bike myself and refuse to pay silly money for mechanics to do what I can do.

I then asked what it would cost him to buy the bits and do it himself. More of an exercise to get him thinking rather than wanting to know the exact money.

'Well,' he said, 'oil, oil filter, air filter and four plugs would probably be ... '

'FOUR plugs? What d'you want FOUR plugs for?'

'My bike needs four spark plugs!'

'NO!,' I inform him, 'your bike only have ONE.'

Oh, he said. I though it had four.

[eastanglianbiker]

does the F in the cbf not stand for 4 then?

[Nublust]

When I was in college I was walking home with my mates girlfriend and we had a conversation that went a bit like this:

Her: I was thinking, you know how we have white bones?

Me: Yeah...?

Her: And we have white skin.

Me: Err yeeeah...?

Her: Well do black people have black bones?

She was pretty dozy in general haha.

[Nublust]

I've just realized that isn't very bike related but still

[Phooey]

I too was thinking maybe I should ask a MOD to move it for me!

After all, wouldn't want to upset anyone.

[MR_W]

My ex asked if they inject the eggs into Scotch Eggs....

[fq-craigus]

One of my exes at the dinner table with my family looked at her knife and said does stainless steel mean it doesn't stain

[Tiggie]

my bosses wife asked if World War 2 was the one we lost

[Tango]

One of the girls in the office I used to work at was talking to a Scots colleague just after the Christmas break, " well Alistair, did you have a nice mahogany?".....we never let her forget that one.....

[Fozzie]

A girl at Somerfields where I worked aged 16...

Girl: Are Spain and Mexico next to each other as they speak the same language?

Me: Not if you don't count a good few thousand miles of ocean.

Funniest thing I've heard two people say...

Person 1: They had a muslim only day at Alton towers to celebrate multi-culturism... ( )

Person 2: Oh yes, favouring one people for a day always clears up the issue of segregation

Wackiest thing I've heard

Them: What am I going to do with this baby?!! (points at belly)

chap:... I've not been with you in that way for over 5 months, sooooooooo...

[RantMachine]

Working in a camera shop, a customer walks in and pulls two blocks of wood the size of a vhs tape out of her bag, and with a hint of urgency in her voice asks "Do you have anything to join these together?!"

[Tiggie]

anyone else notice all these stories involve women?

[Mr Fro]

At a store in which I used to work many moons ago in Catford:

Earlier in the day a teenage lad who was a bit cookoo came in and bought a hammer, some safety glasses and a set of overalls.

Later that day an older bloke brought him back and asked for a refund on the stuff - no problem. The older guy said he was the lad's carer and the lad had wanted to emulate a music video where the main protagonist bludgeoned people with a hammer while wearing the aforementioned boiler suit.

The older guy said something like “Yeah, he’s harmless but takes everything on TV as real life and thinks he can do it. It’s because he’s got asparagus syndrome.”

[Nublust]

Another one I've remember from back in college. Bloke was sitting at the table next to us and had apparently passed his test a few weeks before.

"Not being funny though like it's true what they say about women drivers. I've had nearly 4 accident so far, and they've all been with women."

Yeah, the women are all the common denominators here...

[Fozzie]

“Yeah, he’s harmless but takes everything on TV as real life and thinks he can do it. It’s because he’s got asparagus syndrome.”

 

His piss must STINK

[Mr Fro]

His piss must STINK

 

Quality!

[Mr Fro]

Just thought of another...

My sister did a recording for 4thought TV a few years back and I went along for moral support. The studio was a pokey little room in an office building. The guy who was doing the filming was a mumbler and my sister is about as deaf as me.

After the recording they had a chat about the facilities:

Sister “This is a bit smaller than I expected, I would have thought you’ve have had a huge suite of studios”

Bloke “Yeah, we used to have a much larger space but we had to downsize due to budget cuts”

Sister “What?!… Did you just say “bunch of c**ts?””

Bloke “No, I said budget cuts”

Sister “Aaaah…”

[Tiggie]

that reminds me of when I worked at a newsagent. Woman came in and asked me if we sold pornos. I pointed her over to the magazines. She wandered over, then stomped back to me and said quite loudly ' I said polos, MINTS!'

[cockercas]

Our apprentice told us he eats chickens lips.

[cockercas]

And that his dad wipes his arse on a sponge, and this the oddest thing ive ever heard.

He keeps a bread knife in the toilet. Not incase he needs to defend himself from a intruder but to chop his poo up so it will flush better. bork.

[Fozzie]

And that his dad wipes his arse on a sponge, and this the oddest thing ive ever heard.

He keeps a bread knife in the toilet. Not incase he needs to defend himself from a intruder but to chop his poo up so it will flush better. bork.

 

Maybe tell your old man to chew his food in future to avoid that kind of issue

[GazW]

We are in between two vans at work. I put my sweeping brush along with armfuls of other crap on the other lads van. We split up the next day, so I'm on the original job and he's 50 or so miles away when the penny drops I haven't a brush.

I explain all this to a delightfully backwards caretaker at the school I'm in, and ask if I could borrow a brush for a couple of hours.

"Do you want a big one or a little one"

"Well a bigger one would be better"

"I've only got a little one"

"......"

Why give me the sodding option then?

[cockercas]

And that his dad wipes his arse on a sponge, and this the oddest thing ive ever heard.

He keeps a bread knife in the toilet. Not incase he needs to defend himself from a intruder but to chop his poo up so it will flush better. bork.

 

Maybe tell your old man to chew his food in future to avoid that kind of issue

 

Not my dad. My old mans normal.

[Cpt_Tact]

Lad who works for us and to this day (14 months on) still maintains that a client wrote her name down as Dobbie and not Debbie.

When we questioned him about this he was adamant that this is what she said and even wrote it down on a job sheet, the penny didn't even drop when we explained that for 47 years she was called Debbie and for one day, one day only she decided to call herself Dobbie just for him....

We then realised that if he thinks she is called Dobbie then the sarcasm is lost on him!

[Tango]

Same girl as I mentioned before......we were discussing healthy eating one day and someone mentioned live yoghurts...."Oh, they're the ones with live orgasms in aren't they" she pipes up.....

Then there was a girl who worked with my mate....a group of them were out at lunchtime and they saw an ice cream van.....the girl fancies an ice cream and asks what's that one called that has a flake in it? my mate says "it's a 69".....so she goes to the van and asks the guy for a 69....he says "I'm a bit busy at the moment darling.....but do you want an ice cream while you wait?".....it was at this point that she realised what she'd said.....