Your worst joke!!!

[Stu]

TO THE MODS OF THIS GROUP; [mention]Tango[/mention] [mention]rennie[/mention] [mention]Hoggs[/mention]

CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.

I AM ESPECIALLY UPSET BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, THE PHONE WASN'T EVEN A GALAXY S8... IT WAS A GALAXY S5 AND IT OBVIOUSLY HAS A VIRUS BECAUSE IT'S REALLY SLOW. IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH... THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON STICKS

[Mawsley]

TO THE MODS OF THIS GROUP; @Tango @rennie @Hoggs

CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.

I AM ESPECIALLY UPSET BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, THE PHONE WASN'T EVEN A GALAXY S8... IT WAS A GALAXY S5 AND IT OBVIOUSLY HAS A VIRUS BECAUSE IT'S REALLY SLOW. IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH... THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON STICKS

 

Painkiller’s Dad?

[Stu]

TO THE MODS OF THIS GROUP; @Tango @rennie @Hoggs

CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.

I AM ESPECIALLY UPSET BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, THE PHONE WASN'T EVEN A GALAXY S8... IT WAS A GALAXY S5 AND IT OBVIOUSLY HAS A VIRUS BECAUSE IT'S REALLY SLOW. IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH... THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON STICKS

 

Painkiller’s Dad?

 

More than likely!!

[LifeofPhil]

Why did the princess cross the road?

She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

[Six30]

....

[Six30]

....

[Guest]

....

 

One of them has got a bill hook. Possibly a Yorkshire pattern. So good to see yoofs interested in traditional hedgelaying.

[Baldrick]

I've always been extremely proud that my father followed long family tradition and named his first born after himself.

My sister Alan hates it though..

[Six30]

....

 

One of them has got a bill hook. Possibly a Yorkshire pattern. So good to see yoofs interested in traditional hedgelaying.

 

Yeh bless em

[boboking]

I once played the back end of a pantomime Wasp....

and I thought I was the bee's Knee's!

[Stu]

[Six30]

....

[Mawsley]

[puggybear]

She's left me....just because I'm dyslexic!

...apparently,she's really annoyed that I took ages to find her vinegar...

[puggybear]

...oh,plus for yonks,there's a terrible rash all over my mate Marg...

...I can't believe it's not better!

[Ai thenkyoh]

[puggybear]

...and for those of you with a more literary outlook,I've just completed writing a novel about gorillas!

...it's due out this very week, in Silverback!...

[puggybear]

Ok,ok....my last bash at humour before I bury my cat.

[he isn't dead-I like like annoying him]

What's the link between Blackpool and Las Vegas? HMM?

Well I'll tell yerz - you can swap chips for sex in both!

Right...s'nuff fer now. Can't have you 'orrible lot smiling,it'd ruin the atmos....

[Six30]

....

[Six30]

....

[Six30]

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself!”

[Mawsley]

[puggybear]

Did you hear about the confused cat?

...had a crap and buried itself...

[Stu]

A woman comes home early only to find her husband cheating on her with her sister. You’ll never believe what he said to her.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to her younger sister.

‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me –faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!’

And the husband replied ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’”

[Six30]

Times are a changing...

Trafalgar.

Modern Day Trafalgar.

Nelson… Order the signal Hardy.

Hardy… Aye aye Sir.

Nelson… Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signals officer. What’s the meaning of this?

Hardy… Sorry Sir.

Nelson… (Reading aloud). England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender,sexual orientation, religious persuasion, or disability. What Gobbledygook is this?

Hardy… Admiralty policy, I’m afraid Sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devils own job trying to get England past the censors lest it be considered racist.

Nelson… Gadzooks, Hardy. Pass me my pipe and tobacco.

Hardy… Sorry Sir, all naval vessels have been designated smoke free working environments.

Nelson… In that case, break open the Rum ration. Let’s splice the main brace and steel the men before battle.

Hardy… The Rum ration has been abolished admiral. Its part of the government’s policy on bingedrinking.

Nelson… Good heavens Hardy, I suppose

we’d better get on with it… Full speed ahead.

Hardy… I think you will find that there is a four knot speed limit on this stretch of water.

Nelson… Damn it Man!! We’re on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crows nest please.

Hardy… That won’t be possible Sir.

Nelson… What!!!

Hardy… Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest sir. No Harness. And they say that rope ladder don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.

Nelson… Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay Hardy.

Hardy… He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.

Nelson… Wheelchair access! I’ve never heard anything so absurd.

Hardy… Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled

Nelson… Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise through the ranks of the admiralty by playing the disability card..

Hardy… Actually, Sir, you did. The royal navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

Nelson… Whatever next? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons.

Hardy… A couple of problems there to Sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts.

Nelson… I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

Hardy… The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

Nelson… What?!! This is mutiny.

Hardy… It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anybody. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks.

Nelson… Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish.

Hardy… Actually sir we’re not.

Nelson… We’re not?

Hardy… No Sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

Nelson… But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

Hardy… I wouldn’t let the ships diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary.

Nelson… You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.

Hardy… Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest it’s the rules. It could save your life.

Nelson… Don’t tell me – Health and safety. What ever happened to Rum, sodomy and the lash?

Hardy… As I explained Sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.

Nelson… What about sodomy??

Hardy… I believe that is now legal Sir.

Nelson… In that case…….Kiss me Hardy.-----Mwaaaaaaaaaaaa.

[Snod Blatter]

I prefer them a bit shorter..

Q: What kind of blue is easiest to pick up?

A: Light blue.