My grandfather was shrewd; people threw small mammals at him ‘till he suffocated. Two peanuts were walking through a rough neighbourhood and one of them was a salted. A man just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer. A cannibal ate a missionary and got a taste for religion. A local balloon factory had to close due to inflation, it was quite a blow. My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs. Think outside the box; it’s too late once you’re in it. I’ve been trying to push the envelope at work, but it’s still stationery. My pencil keeps breaking every time I sharpen it, I’m giving up now, it’s pointless. I’ve just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper. I saw a beaver film last night; it was the best dam film I’ve ever seen. Do you think there are signs at drug rehabilitation centres that say ‘KEEP OFF THE GRASS’? Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. If cattle had a sense of humour, would they be a laughing stock? Most rocks have been around for a long time, but we shouldn’t take them for granite. A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the motorway; Police have confirmed there will be no congestion for eight hours. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out burning ducks. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers. I have friends who swear they dream in colour but it’s just a pigment of their imagination.