OhJay Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? 2:30 in the ****ing morning?!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes--------------------------The wife's been missing for a week now and the police have told me to prepare for the worst.So I've been down the charity shop to get all her clothes back Quote
mealexme Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 The wife's been missing for a week now and the police have told me to prepare for the worst.So I've been down the charity shop to get all her clothes backLOL Quote
BikerBoy414 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 OK guys, now this iz quite a long joke bt trust me it'l all pay off in the end lol.So theres this old man who iz made out of celery lol and he iz reli hungry so he goes to the shopz. at the shop he seys 'hi i want some crisps and the man in the shop replies 'haha thats great ur reli cool." when the ma gets home he cant eat the crisps because hes a vegetable. knock knockwho's theredoctor whodoctor who wholol Quote
Bogof Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Someone, somewhere, sometime... may find this of use...joke/jōk/Noun: A thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter, esp. a story with a funny punchline.Verb: Make jokes; talk humorously or flippantly. Synonyms:noun. jest - fun - jape - gag - trick - pleasantry - larkverb. jest - jape - banter - lark - kid - josh Quote
Colin the Bear Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 sarcasm and sence of humour. Pot ,kettle, kettle ,pot,let he who is without sin , cast the first stone, at the glass house, which may break his bones, innit? You get me?Paddy says to Mick " Can you help me with this jigsaw? It's supposed to be a tiger."Mick says " Put the Frosties back in the box and stop messing about"Bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said "remove top and push up bottom"My armpits still smell but my farts are lovely 1 Quote
Tango Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 A family visit a zoo during the half-term.After walking around for an hour all they find is a small dog.So they go to the ticket office to complain:"You call this a zoo? All we saw was a small dog"Zoo owner says: " That's because it's a Shitzu!"Now where did I hang my coat? Quote
Colin the Bear Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Got me http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z28/Colin_the_bear/smiley-laughing024.gif Quote
Guest philgale Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Found a DVD the other day titled 'Bald and barely legal'. Chuffed to bits I rushed home put the disc in and sat there with my cock in my hand ready to bash one out.... Turns out it was a ministry of transport video on Tyre Tread Depths.An 8 year old boy asked the local priest an odd question the other day, he said; . . . . "Father, does wanking give you muscles'' ? . . Rather surprised, he replied; "I don't think so my son.... but don't stop, I'm cumming" !My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do i look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom" Quote
Guest philgale Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 This one is amazing....Michael Jackson trial....Dr Conrad Murray has told the court about Jackson's dramatic weight loss.... "Michael had got so thin that although his pyjama tops were still adult size, he could still squeeze himself into children's bottoms."==============I found my girlfriend dead the other day. She just lay there lifeless so I decided to f**k her one last time.Then All of a sudden she jumped up n shouted 'BOO!' Some people are sick in the head! Quote
Tango Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 2 cannibals eating a clown.....one turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"Paddy and Mick are walking down the road when they see a young woman sitting beside a bike crying at the side of the road. So they ask what's the matter? She says " My bike has a puncture and I don't know how to mend it". Mick says " I know feck all about bikes" and carries on walking. Paddy says "I can fix that for ya......I'll catch up with you in a minute Mick"10 minutes later Paddy rides up alongside Mick on the bike. Mick says " What are you doing on that girl's bike?" So Paddy says "after I fixed the girls bike she said ""How can I ever repay you"" and then took her knickers off and laid on the floor and said ""Take anything you like Big Boy""........ so I took the bike""Ah....good choice" says Mick "the knickers wouldn't have fitted you anyway"(sent to me by one of my collegues from Dublin....before anyone gets offended.... ) Quote
Guest Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 what do you call a dear with no eyes no legs and no ears?.... dont matter it cant hear you! A horse walks into a bar, the barman says 'why the long face?' Quote
asharin Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 OK guys, now this iz quite a long joke bt trust me it'l all pay off in the end lol.So theres this old man who iz made out of celery lol and he iz reli hungry so he goes to the shopz. at the shop he seys 'hi i want some crisps and the man in the shop replies 'haha thats great ur reli cool." when the ma gets home he cant eat the crisps because hes a vegetable. l Quote
Grumpy Old Git Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 White horse walks into a bar and the barman says:"Do you know we have a whisky named after you?"The horse says:"What? Eric?" Quote
Throttled Posted November 1, 2011 Posted November 1, 2011 What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?Anyone can roast beef, no one can pea soup. Quote
Colin the Bear Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Overheard on a bus from two old ladies sat infront of me.It's wndy todayNo dear thursdaySo am I . Can't wait to get home and put the kettle on. Quote
madcatalicat Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 ok i can say this as ive had the opp.whats the hardest part of a sex change opperation?changing the smell from cheese to tuna. Quote
Colin the Bear Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 What's the difference between a bad marks man and a constipated owlOne shoots and can't hit......... Quote
BikerBoy414 Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 lol im gona be honest guys - i don't get many of these jokes.heres one for ya tho: two guys walk into a bar - one of thems made of lettuce and the other ones made of clay. they walk up to the bar, order their pints, and then go and sit at a table. after a few minutes of casual chat the talk turns to religion: 'im a protestant' says the clay man. 'im a catholic' says the guy made out of lettuce. at this point they notice a priest sitting at the bar. they decide to go and ask him to decide for them once and for alls. the priest says: well theres only one way to decide, we must ask the lord. he then bows his head in prayer and says 'lettuce clay' lol j/k fun! fun! fun! fun!haha now im cool lol not Quote
The Joker Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 A woman in a skirt is sat on a london double decker bus when she decides to go up to the top deck for a fag, upon climbing the stairs she rememers she forgot to put any knickers on, so she carries on, lights the fag and hopes nobody notices, as she finishes the fag, the bus starts to slow down so she stands at the top of the staircase and shouts to the conductor "Exuse me, is this Ealing?" The Conductor replies "from here, love, it looks like you'll need a few stitches!" Quote
Colin the Bear Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Smoking? Upstairs on a bus?With a Conductor?....................How very £:s:d Quote
iWannaGoFast Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 So I hear Amy Winehouse is dead? ...More shots in her than a Norwegian youth camp. Quote
Colin the Bear Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I've been trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act. Nobody is picking up at the box office. I keep getting the answer machine, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready............. Uh huh! Quote
Colin the Bear Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Just scared myself, who ever said "quiet as a mouse".......never trod on one Quote
Paul Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Police suspect foul play in the death of Joe Frazier.They're currently grilling George Foreman. Quote
donhuzayfa Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 What do you call a door that's been painted brown?A brown door. Quote
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