Guest Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Haynes Manual Translated...Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.Haynes: This is a snug fit.Translation: You will skin your knuckles!Haynes: This is a tight fit.Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.Haynes: Pry...Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...Haynes: Undo...Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).Haynes: Retain tiny spring...Translation: "Ping... what the hell was that?Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.Haynes: Lightly...Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".Haynes: Weekly checks...Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!Haynes: Routine maintenance...Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!Haynes: One spanner rating.Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to bugger it up?Haynes: Two spanner rating.Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teeny,weeny number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was amap of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).Haynes: Three spanner rating.Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.Haynes: Four spanner rating.Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you?Haynes: Five spanner rating.Translation: OK - But don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company!!Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!Haynes: Compress...Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage.Haynes: Inspect...Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!Haynes: Carefully...Translation: You are about to cut yourself!Haynes: Retaining nut...Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.Haynes: Get an assistant...Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you canstart to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.Translation: But you swear in different places.Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...Translation: Snap off...Haynes: Using a suitable drift...Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!Haynes: Everyday toolkitTranslation:RAC Card & Mobile PhoneHaynes: Apply moderate heat...Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MR_W Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiggie Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...Translation: Snap off...every fecking time Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RantMachine Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 "Draw swingarm pivot out":Soak all bits where pivot passes through frame and swingarm with penetrating fluid and repeatedly smack pivot with rubber mallet until tired of feeling utterly hopeless, repeat process tomorrow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Was going to quote one or two that I loved the most but really they're all pretty bang on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggs Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 hahah I think my favourite is Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.Translation: But you swear in different places.Sometimes it reads like one of those old adventure books. If you wish to continue with your madness of stripping off bits go to chapter 4.5. If you have started to panic at what you are doing go back to 1.5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JRH Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Haynes Manual Translated...Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!. And yes I have had to do that a few times, welder and grinder put to good use Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Haynes: Compress...Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage excellent Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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