EX GASMAN Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Two guys in a pub first one asks how long does chicken last in a freezer? His mate about 3 months. That's funny I put one in last night and it was dead by the morning Quote
dynax Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious!! Quote
dynax Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."The guy leaves.A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!" Quote
dynax Posted June 17, 2019 Posted June 17, 2019 ... I know what i will be looking at, when munching on my burger at lunch time Quote
dynax Posted June 19, 2019 Posted June 19, 2019 My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son.When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, "God, I wish that I'd used a condom now"My wife was aghast and said, "What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?"I replied "No --- I've got his girlfriend pregnant" Quote
dynax Posted June 19, 2019 Posted June 19, 2019 Jesus KnowsA burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,'Jesus knows you're here.'He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?''Moses,' replied the bird.'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?''The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.' Quote
BIKERDAD Posted June 19, 2019 Posted June 19, 2019 After spending 10 years on a Trawler, preparing the lobster pots, i am now proud to say, i have achieved the status of a Master Baiter I used to work with a guy who surname was bates and his 1st name was Andy. So you say then his.wife shat out a boy and being bit chav decided to call his son Andy so when he came in to work one day not long after the birth to.show off his son he stood there in front of around 40.ppl and proudly said here is Master A Bates and stood there with stupid look on his face as we all just pi$$ed oer ourselves Quote
Six30 Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 .. Is that TC? Can't see a dummy on the floor . Quote
onesea Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 After spending 10 years on a Trawler, preparing the lobster pots, i am now proud to say, i have achieved the status of a Master Baiter I used to work with a guy who surname was bates and his 1st name was Andy. So you say then his.wife shat out a boy and being bit chav decided to call his son Andy so when he came in to work one day not long after the birth to.show off his son he stood there in front of around 40.ppl and proudly said here is Master A Bates and stood there with stupid look on his face as we all just pi$$ed oer ourselves I heard tale of a deck officer at sea with the surname Bates, he eventually made the rank of Master. He was rarely referred to as Captian Bates... Quote
old-timer Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 After spending 10 years on a Trawler, preparing the lobster pots, i am now proud to say, i have achieved the status of a Master Baiter I used to work with a guy who surname was bates and his 1st name was Andy. So you say then his.wife shat out a boy and being bit chav decided to call his son Andy so when he came in to work one day not long after the birth to.show off his son he stood there in front of around 40.ppl and proudly said here is Master A Bates and stood there with stupid look on his face as we all just pi$$ed oer ourselves I heard tale of a deck officer at sea with the surname Bates, he eventually made the rank of Master. He was rarely referred to as Captian Bates... That reminds me of the time that I was a deckhand on the 'Charlotte Rhodes' in the late 19-th century.Our first mate was called Baines. He became a master, but the stingy greedy owner would hardlly ever hire him as a captain. He would remain the captain in name, and let the good man Baines do the work... Those were the days though... Quote
Smithers Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 I used to work with a guy who surname was bates and his 1st name was Andy. So you say then his.wife shat out a boy and being bit chav decided to call his son Andy so when he came in to work one day not long after the birth to.show off his son he stood there in front of around 40.ppl and proudly said here is Master A Bates and stood there with stupid look on his face as we all just pi$$ed oer ourselves I heard tale of a deck officer at sea with the surname Bates, he eventually made the rank of Master. He was rarely referred to as Captian Bates... That reminds me of the time that I was a deckhand on the 'Charlotte Rhodes' in the late 19-th century.Our first mate was called Baines. He became a master, but the stingy greedy owner would hardlly ever hire him as a captain. He would remain the captain in name, and let the good man Baines do the work... Those were the days though... Crikey [mention]old-timer[/mention] late 19th c. !! you really are knocking on a bit Seaman Staines and Roger the cabin boy come to mind with this joke. Quote
old-timer Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 Crikey @old-timer late 19th c. !! you really are knocking on a bit Seaman Staines and Roger the cabin boy come to mind with this joke. Yeah... It must have been around 1870...When sailing was still done with proper sails.Though they started experimenting with steam boats at the time.I'm not called Old-timer for nothing, you know... (Apparently they made a TV-series in the 1970's about the Charlotte Rhodes, called '1-din line' or 'onedin line' orso...) Quote
Smithers Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 Crikey @old-timer late 19th c. !! you really are knocking on a bit Seaman Staines and Roger the cabin boy come to mind with this joke. Yeah... It must have been around 1870...When sailing was still done with proper sails.Though they started experimenting with steam boats at the time.I'm not called Old-timer for nothing, you know... (Apparently they made a TV-series in the 1970's about the Charlotte Rhodes, called '1-din line' or 'onedin line' orso...) I can remember my grandfather telling me about that series Quote
billy sugger Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 my mate did a favour for a leprechaun, so the little chap offered him a wish. " I want me knob to dangle on the floor," says he, so the leprechaun chopped his legs off at the knees Quote
dynax Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 my mate did a favour for a leprechaun, so the little chap offered him a wish. " I want me knob to dangle on the floor," says he, so the leprechaun chopped his legs off at the knees He should have been happy with what he had, i would be over the moon if mine touched the floor when kneeling mind you i would be happy if it touched the floor when laying down Quote
Guest Richzx6r Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 my mate did a favour for a leprechaun, so the little chap offered him a wish. " I want me knob to dangle on the floor," says he, so the leprechaun chopped his legs off at the knees He should have been happy with what he had, i would be over the moon if mine touched the floor when kneeling mind you i would be happy if it touched the floor when laying down Well lay your forehead on the floor and it will Quote
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