Your worst joke!!!

[Stu]

looks to me like some of you could do with researching what dyslexia actually is

[Grumpy Old Git]

An arb walks into an amn.

 

Superb!

That certainly lade me maugh!

[Grumpy Old Git]

Stephen Hawkins went out on his first ever date on Saturday....

Ended up in A&E with multiple fractures..............

His date stood him up!

[Guest]

why do prostitutes earn more than drug dealers?

Because they can wash their crack and sell it again

[Zipster]

What does Miley Cyrus eat on Xmas day?

Twerky!!

How do you kill a circus?

Go straight for the juggler!!

[stumblebum]

I never wanted to believe that my house mate was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

[Smokin Joe]

Friend of mine opened a shop selling Bonsai trees....He did so well he had to move into smaller premises .

[fullscreenaging]

How can you spot an Irishman on an oil rig?

He's the only one throwing bread to the helicopters.

Two Irishmen hijack a submarine.

They demanded £2 000 000 and two parachutes.

[fredc]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is

to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is

boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by

feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is

attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South

American Bees.. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He

grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to

do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another

lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with

Mushy Bees

[dieffe]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: ‘Well, that's great...that's just great... some as*hole's got my pen!'

[Guest]

Not exactly a joke, But i see this and it made me laugh

A daughter asked her dad. "There is something my boyfriend said to me that i don't understand"..

He said that i have a beautiful chassis, two lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper..

Dad replies "You tell your boyfriend.. if he opens your bonnet and attempts to check your oil with his dipstick, I will give him such a service that his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off"

[Guest]

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other " i hope you can drive this bast*rd cause i can't"

[Guest]

Me: is there a b&q in Lincoln

Him: I think so

Me: not when I spell it

[Grumpy Old Git]

There is no 'L' in it either!

[Smokin Joe]

Two wives go on a girls night out. On the way home much the worse for wear they're both busting for a P but there are no toilets open so they hop over the wall of a cemetery and squat behind a couple of gravestones.

Next morning one of the husbands phones the other and says, "That's the last time my wife goes out with yours, she came home with no knickers on". The other one says, "You think you've got problems mate, mine came in with a card stuck to her crack saying 'From all the lads at the fire station, we'll never forget you"

[Stu]

BREAKING NEWS : Apple have abandoned plans to build cruise liners after their prototype "The iTanic" kept syncing whenever it docked...

[Guest]

Did you know that apple started to design a device for people in the floods??

They called it the Ipaddle

Whats a man's idea of a balanced diet??

A beer in each hand..

Whats the difference between captain morgan and Amy Winehouse?

Captain morgan comes alive when you add coke!!

Why did mexicans invent tequila?

So the ugly ones had a chance of having sex

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

None, the woman should already have it open and on the table.

What d blondes and a bottle of corona have in comon?

They are both empty from the neck up

[fq-craigus]

What do you call a snowman with a suntan? A puddle!

What did the traffic light say to the car? Dont look im changing!

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? Your too young to smoke!

[DreamytimeEscorts]

Not my worst but still funny, IMO if you think about it:

 

[Tankbag]

Bought a new phone last week that was made in Malaysia, put it in flight mode today & now I'm buggered if I can find it

[DreamytimeEscorts]

Two aerials got married. The wedding wasn't too bad but the reception was great.

[Smokin Joe]

I ended up with an older woman at a pub last night. ...

She looked OK for her age. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a ‘Sportsman’s Double’.

“What’s that?” I asked, thinking maybe a beer and whiskey mix.

“A mother and daughter threesome,” she said.

I said “No”, excitedly,...”Never had one of those.”

We drank some more, then she said that tonight was my ‘lucky night’.

So we went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

“Mum, you still awake?

[Smokin Joe]

Bill has a row with his wife about her housekeeping and storms off down the pub with her shouting after him, "And you can bloody well sleep in the spare room tonight"

After a few pints he feels a bit guilty because maybe he's being mean to her after all and he makes up his mind to give her an increase. He gets home and the house is in darkness, so he creeps upstairs and as he passes the spare room the door is ajar and he can hear her gently snoozing. With a grin on his face he decides to give her a little treat, so he quietly goes in and sees a soft female form lying face down under the duvet. Down on his knees he gets and starts licking the back of her thigh, working slowly and gently up till he's pleasuring her with his tongue. He hears her giggle then start to purr and moan, before eventually giving an excited gasp and a shudder before sighing and laying still. Giving her a playful slap on the bum he gets up and says,

"Wait till I get back, if you think that was nice I'm going to give you a seeing to like you've never had before"

With that he leaves the spare room and heads into the bathroom. As he goes in he's astonished to see his wife lying in the bath with a glass of wine and a book and exclaims loudly,

"What the fuuu...."

She glares at him,

"Shut up you fool, you'll wake your mother. She's come to pay us a visit and she's asleep in the spare room."

[Zod]

Lulz.

"Now I must say that a dear old friend of mine joined up to a dating site the other week...It wasn't long before that he was bragging to the entire work force about how much he hated such site and would never sign up to one.

Well, he did and instantly had about fifty odd messages from single women all in his area which he later bragged about at work.

Apparently all of these women were either up for chat, up for meet ups, up for some flirtatious fun or up for sex and the married man that he is had requested to meet up with them all. Only one reply was given...By someone without a picture.

A week later he goes to the meeting place when an hour or so after he's surprised to see his wife walking in his direction...

Oi, where are you off to? He asks when she replies that she's there to meet up with a friend. Coincidence he said, I'm here for the same thing and so they agreed to wait together for their apparent online buddies to turn up. Yet they never did.

Going online as soon as they got home both had a message in their inbox on the dating site...

One read. I was at the meet location and sat there for three hours waiting for you to show up and you never did, thank you very much.

While the other read. I was also at the meet location and sat there for three hours awaiting your arrival but you never turned up, why was this?

Ten minutes later my friend replies...So we were both there waiting for each other. You have my phone number, and I have yours. I phoned you twice but got no answer so I sent you text messages but still got no answer.

(Hearing a the faint sound of text messages being received on his wife's phone downstairs)

To where after reading that his wife shouts up the stairs...I KNOW MY PHONE WAS OFF!!!!"

[fredc]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by

a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken

stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's

bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when

we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed

of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out

into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark,

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..