Your worst joke!!!

[Six30]

Blow me up and I will play with you. I am a Balloon.

p.s

[that was a chat up line. I have sent a reply using a facepalm picture]

 

you sound a bit deflated and let down

 

Second and last time..Take the hint already [stalker]

http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t75/GixxerSup/TheMF/iWKad22_zpsq93ir5hs.jpg

 

Yeh... you wished

[toad]

And now for something completely different.

What do a hand grenade and a wife have in common?

Pull the ring and the house is gone.

[RantMachine]

Three social justice warriors walk into a bar.

This joke is flawed, because "walk" is ableist; not everybody can walk. Shame on you.

[Stu]

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door.

I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with

guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up

the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now

telling you in text as I can't live with myself

a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night

when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven't been getting it at home recently, but

that's no excuse, I know.

The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with

the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies

and forgive me. It won't happen again.

Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay

you.

Regards, Alan.

THE ACTIONS

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and

shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where

he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He

took out his phone

where he saw he has a subsequent message from

his neighbour:

THE SECOND MESSAGE

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo

on my last text.

I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed

that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To

'Wife'. Technology hey?

Regards, Alan.

[Lateralus]

Worst joke, eh?

What's the difference between a Scotsman and Walt Disney?

A Scotsman wears a kilt, but Walt dis'nae!

[Stu]

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.

“Oh, come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

[Tango]

Paddys wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the docs. After tests, doc suggests Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan & decides

to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting, still no orgasm so his friend suggests a swap. I'll shag her & you waft the

towel'. Paddy agrees & within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure & has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly & says...'

and that my old son

is how you waft a f**king towel'.

[Stu]

A very sad day today. After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of all that training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet.

[Six30]

Went on a coach trip today , on the way back we stopped at a cafe , lovely spot, had a river running along side it, as we pulled up there was another coach full of Germans shouting and screaming on the riverbank , I ran over to see what was happening and there was a dog in the water drowning ... All of a sudden a German chap dived in and rescued the dog , he dragged it up the bank , the dog was lifeless and looked dead, the German chap started resuscitation on it by blowing into its mouth and thumping it's chest...to everyone's joy the dog spurted some water and was alive , I went over and said "well done fella that was amazing , are you a vet ? he said , well more of shouted , " VET ! VET ! I'm f**king Zoaking "

[Valko]

http://i65.tinypic.com/1zc3hj4.jpg

The worst is that may not be a joke at all:

http://i66.tinypic.com/2ywh94x.jpg

Who is laughing now.

^^^ The sentence above in bold is my worst joke.

[Gerontious]

 

 

[Guest]

Simba was walking too slow.... so I told him to Mufasa

[Tango]

A tramp walks into a pub and asks the barman for a cocktail stick.

" Sure" says the barman, and gives the tramp a cocktail stick and the tramp wanders off

A couple of minutes later another tramp comes in and asks " hey man, can I have a cocktail stick?"

"Er, yeah, sure" says the barman, and gives him a cocktail stick and this tramp wanders off.

A minute later another tramp comes in. "Hey man, can I have a straw please?"

The barman looks at him and says "What's going on? I've just had 2 tramps in here asking for cocktail sticks, and now you want a straw?"

The tramp says "Yeah, well, someone's been sick outside and all the good bits have gone now!"

[Hoggs]

What's Mr. T's favourite yoghurt? AH Petis Filous!

[Guest]

http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t75/GixxerSup/TheMF/lego..no_zpsjyphkzp0.jpg

[Bhawk]

too true

[Mr Fro]

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pig by its diameter?

Pork π

[Bhawk]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

[Stu]

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and Chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Will you be Eating In or Taking Out"..??

"f**k off you twat," he snapped, before walking off with his Food.

I just love, Working in the Prison Canteen

[Bhawk]

I was waiting for my girlfriend to get ready to go out the other night. She opened the door and asked, "do I look fat in this?"

I replied, "yes, but it is a small bathroom."

[old-timer]

Mayday... We are sinking...

[Bhawk]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

[Six30]

Donald Trump and Barack Obama went to the same barbershop for a shave,

As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber , not a word was spoken ,

The barbers were afraid to start a conversation incase it turned to politics .

As the barbers finished thier shaves the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the after shave , Trump was quick to stop him saying " no thanks , if my wife smells that she'll think I've been in a whore house " .

The second barber turned to Obama and said " how about you "

Obama replied " go ahead , my wife doesn't know what a whore house smells like "

[Bhawk]

my wife and I were talking and she said to me

"honey, I'm thinking of getting a boob job to make my breast bigger"....

I said, "why dont you rub a peace of toilet paper in your cleavage"...

She replies "and what the hell will that do?",...

I said "I dont know but it sure worked on your ass!"...

[Bhawk]

So a man sees a boy walking into town towards the local hardware store.

He politely asks the boy, "what does a lad your age have interest in at the hardware store?".

The young boy replies: "I'm going to fetch some chickenwire so I can catch me some chickens."

The man replies: "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire sonny." chuckles and walks off.

The next day he sees the boy again towing a wagon with a number of chickens in it. He thinks to himself "well I'll be."

The following week the man sees the same boy walking into town towards the hardware store again.

"What are you going to fetch today laddy?" the man asks.

The young boy replies: "I'm going to purchase some ducktape so I can catch me some ducks."

The man similarly replies: "Young man, you can't catch ducks with ducktape." then turns and walks back into his house.

The next day he sees the boy walking towards the market with two ducks under his arms. Shaking his head in disbelief he mutters "he must know something I don't."

Once again the next week the man sees the boy walking into town.

The man asks: "What you after today dear boy?"

The boy replies: "I'm going to find some p*ssywillow."

The man replies: "Hold on, let me get my hat and coat, I'm going with you..."