Tiggie Posted October 11, 2018 Posted October 11, 2018 A Man wants a divorce so goes to see the Judge at court. He tells him "I need a divorce, I cant take it anymore, she just spends every night out in different pubs and clubs until the early hours of the morning.The Judge asks the Man why he thinks that isHe replies "she's looking for me" Quote
Stu Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 I've just been to visit the wifes grave...Bless her she thinks I'm digging a pond! Quote
SometimesSansEngine Posted October 16, 2018 Posted October 16, 2018 My dad always said "the first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".Great bloke, terrible anaesthetist. Quote
SometimesSansEngine Posted October 17, 2018 Posted October 17, 2018 Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me.In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job. Quote
Tango Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should wear a condom during sex.All the slides were just photos of me! Quote
SometimesSansEngine Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 It's missing shoes and socks. Quote
Tiggie Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 I woke up last night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed............At first I was afraid, I was petrified Quote
dern Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 There's only one thing I hate about Halloween, which is... Quote
Tiggie Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.The letter read:Dear God,I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.Can you please help me?Sincerely,EdnaThe postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.Christmas came and went.A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.It read:Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.By the way, there was £4 missing.I think it must have been those thieving b@st@rds at the Post Office. Quote
onesea Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 Following on from my thread about getting a dog, we now follow a pointer group with some interest...A Doberman, a Poodle, and an English Pointer died and are standing in front of God at the entrance to the kingdom of heaven.God asks them all three, what they believe in?The Doberman says: "I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my owner.""Good," says God, "take a seat on my right side.""Poodle, what do you believe in?" Asked God.The Poodle answers: "I believe in love and care for my owner as well as peace in the world.""Ah," God said, "You can take a seat to my left side."Then he looked at the English Pointer "And what do you believe in?"The English Pointer stood there, looked at him and answered :"I believe you're sitting in my seat!" Quote
onesea Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 Teacher:You have 10 cakes and some one asks for 2 how many do you have left?Child:10 CakesTeacher:You have 10 cakes and someone forcibly takes 2 how many cakes do you have left then?Child:10 cakes and a dead body Quote
Fozzie Posted November 6, 2018 Posted November 6, 2018 Not sure if this has been done but here we go:A light passenger plane is flying through heavy fog and cloud bound for Scotland, the pilot can't see where he's going and his GPS is very intermittent due to the conditions.A passenger stands up and says "I can tell you where we are just by putting my hand out of the plane"In disbelief the pilot agrees. The man opens the door and hangs his hand outside."We're over Belgium, my hand has a faint smell of chocolate unique this part of the world ". The pilot can't believe this but his GPS works for a brief moment, and it showed they were over Belgium. And hour later he did it again."We're over London, the air feels dirty here, definitely our polluted capital"Sure enough, the GPS flickered into life and showed London. "We're nearly home!" the pilot said.And one more hour later the man did his trick again.This time he paused before saying "Liverpool..."The pilot, bemused asked "How can you be so sure it's Liverpool, does it have a different smell from London?"The man looking disgruntled replied. "It doesn't, but that time I stuck my hand out, someone stole my watch." Quote
Mickly Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Who the hell was the taste tester for this ??? Quote
Guest Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Who the hell was the taste tester for this ???7D692E0F-8E24-4F14-97D8-B7684D0CA78A.jpeg I see your cock soup and raise you shito Quote
Six30 Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 I see your cock soup , shito sauce and cemen dip .....and I'll throw this in to the mix Quote
Tiggie Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 this is meant to be jokes not what you eat for breakfast Quote
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