cyberwolf Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 When walking in the desert always carry a car door with you, because if it gets to hot you can always roll down the window for that cooling breeze. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 There were 2,000 American solders walking a beach in Japan when the general looked up the ridge and saw a MARINE standing all alone he then sent two Soldiers to see what the Lone Marine was doing. Once the men got to the top the Marine ran into the Jungle and the Soldiers followed. Immediate screams of bloody murder were heard and the Marine stepped back out onto the ridge alone. This time the Army general was PISSED and sent two hundred men to see what the hell happened...as the Soldiers approached... the Marine yet again ran into the Jungle and as soon as all 200 soldiers followed him in there...Screams of bloody murder echoed all around and the lone Marine stepped out onto ridge once again....This time the general was enraged and sent the rest off all his men to take that MARINE OUT!!...Just like the two previous attempts as soon as the Soldiers approached the Marine ran into the Jungle and yet again Screams of bloody murder were heard all around...BUT this time the Marine stepped out Carrying a wounded soldier...the soldier was tossed down the ridge and slowly crawled to the general..the Irate general then yelled at the Soldier "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED UP THERE???".....after a few seconds of whimpering the soldier replied with tears in his eyes "SIR....they tricked us!...there were actually Two of THEM!!!!!"There were four drill sergeants standing around a parade square arguing about who's soldiers were the bravest.The RAF Sergeant said that his Reg-Gunner was the bravest and called one over then told him to stand in a bombing zone...He did, and got blown up. The RNY Sergeant said that's nothing and called one of his privates over and said, jump into the sea with no gear on. He did, and drowned. The Royal Marine Sergeant said, shit, any of my guys can do that shit and called one of his privates over and told him to stand in front of a tank when it fires. He did, and had his head blown off. The Army Sergeant said well, I hate to say this but all of them men were f**king pussies and so called one of his privates over, he hands the private his pistol and tells him to point at his own head and shoot.The private replied - f**k YOU SERGEANT!"To that the Army Sergeant replied, see? That takes balls!One night a news company reports on a massacre on a farm in Dallas. Though there was blood everywhere there was no bodies in or around the scene...What the news presenters failed to report on was that the farmer had killed all of his chickens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 I just found a huge ball of plasticine.I'm not sure what to make of it....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Golfers need to carry an extra cap......In case they get a hole in one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 What do the names Dai and Ode have in common? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bogof Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 What do the names Dai and Ode have in common? When they're together they only allow current to flow in one direction Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 My worst subject at school by FAR,was fractions.I had no bloody idea what our maths teacher was talking about,half the time......well,I say '1/2' the time..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 Dogs are not just for BBQ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 [this is a real-life sob story. Have your handkerchief ready]Life was tough after my father walked out.Mum couldn't afford furniture,so I had to think on my feet.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tango Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 A man with a history of mental illness assaulted 2 women in a launderette, but ran away before police could apprehend him..........News paper headline read:Nut Screws Washers & Bolts..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aesandre Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Cardiff City?A leisure center... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RantMachine Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new bike?...Nah, Stevie hasn't either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiggie Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiggie Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag.""Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!""Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?""Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, '£20 or off it comes'!""Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?""Well", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 A man with a history of mental illness assaulted 2 women in a launderette, but ran away before police could apprehend him..........News paper headline read:Nut Screws Washers & Bolts..... First heard that one in the late 60's! Showing your age there Bob!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BikerMooFromMars Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new bike?...Nah, Stevie hasn't either. Hahaha, not the bloody Stevie Wonder jokes! And no dead baby jokes either!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 When our plane landed at Paris,I was behind Angela Merkel when the customs officer asked "Occupation?""No. Just on holiday,this time". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 Old Billy O'Fallen has a nap for thinking he's a ghost. He usually always wears the same white sheet over his head when he wonders on up to the house up the road through the woodland and across the small bridge...Well one night after getting totally pissed Billy went home and threw a long white sheet over himself and then began his ten minute walk through the woodlands where he comes across another man who happens to be walking in the other direction and "Booo! I'm a fecking ghost..." old Billy snarls at the other man who then replies "Nice to meet ya Billy I'm married to ya sister!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bogof Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 Old Billy O'Fallen has a nap for thinking he's a ghost. He usually always wears the same white sheet over his head when he wonders on up to the house up the road through the woodland and across the small bridge...Well one night after getting totally pissed Billy went home and threw a long white sheet over himself and then began his ten minute walk through the woodlands where he comes across another man who happens to be walking in the other direction and "Booo! I'm a fecking ghost..." old Billy snarls at the other man who then replies "Nice to meet ya Billy I'm married to ya sister!" OK, you win Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jixerman Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 SUMMER Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 Old Billy O'Fallen has a nap for thinking he's a ghost. He usually always wears the same white sheet over his head when he wonders on up to the house up the road through the woodland and across the small bridge...Well one night after getting totally pissed Billy went home and threw a long white sheet over himself and then began his ten minute walk through the woodlands where he comes across another man who happens to be walking in the other direction and "Booo! I'm a fecking ghost..." old Billy snarls at the other man who then replies "Nice to meet ya Billy I'm married to ya sister!" OK, you win What do I win? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiggie Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 why did the vegetarian cross the road?.........................she was being chased by the chicken Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 My mate Geoff is an architect and an active member of his local am-dram group.He really knows how to make an entrance! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BikerMooFromMars Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 I went to view a house with period features today.My wife hates it when I call her that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 24 Arabian men were found dead in a Dublin flat this morning after a mail man could smell the stentch of death whilst posting letters through the letterbox. The mail man who is in his mid thirties immediately called Garda (Irish for police), the Gards had to knock the flat door down for the ambulance crew to get in to check them over. A Gardai spokesman had this to say..."We were called to a flat in the Donaghmede area of Dublin shortly after 9 AM this morning. On arrival officers were confronted by a distressed post man who had reported that he could smell what he thought were dead bodies after posting letters through the letterbox. Not long after the door was smashed through and police went into the flat to find that 24 men who were all stacked on top of each other on 24 seperate bunk beds were deceased, on checking the scene over we have found a small written note...On the note it reads...ALLA AL-IKEA!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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