Your worst joke!!!

[Colin the Bear]

You want a watch?

Sit over there and be quiet then.

[Zod]

Okay, okay...

What are the first words a crackhead in a three piece tailored suit hears?

- Will the defendant please rise!

Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?

- She thought it was diet coke!

A young man on acid walked into a dentist's office and said, " Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," the man said.

The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"

The man replied, "The light was on."

[Grumpy Old Git]

My grandfather was shrewd; people threw small mammals at him ‘till he suffocated.

Two peanuts were walking through a rough neighbourhood and one of them was a salted.

A man just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.

A cannibal ate a missionary and got a taste for religion.

A local balloon factory had to close due to inflation, it was quite a blow.

My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs.

Think outside the box; it’s too late once you’re in it.

I’ve been trying to push the envelope at work, but it’s still stationery.

My pencil keeps breaking every time I sharpen it, I’m giving up now, it’s pointless.

I’ve just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.

I saw a beaver film last night; it was the best dam film I’ve ever seen.

Do you think there are signs at drug rehabilitation centres that say ‘KEEP OFF THE GRASS’?

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

If cattle had a sense of humour, would they be a laughing stock?

Most rocks have been around for a long time, but we shouldn’t take them for granite.

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the motorway; Police have confirmed there will be no congestion for eight hours.

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out burning ducks.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

I have friends who swear they dream in colour but it’s just a pigment of their imagination.

[Colin the Bear]

Some crackers there GOG. http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z28/Colin_the_bear/www_MessenTools_com-Humor-risa-jijiji.gif

[Grumpy Old Git]

Glad you appreciate them Colin.

[Zod]

Here is one...Yet another from...Zod...Yes, I'm high...Again >.<

Man walks into a bar, the second he orders his pint. The world ends!

[Colin the Bear]

http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z28/Colin_the_bear/laught.gif

[Guest]

What's good looking and types post number 208?

[Colin the Bear]

http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z28/Colin_the_bear/211335_571560933_7192636_q.jpg

[Grumpy Old Git]

[Tango]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.

How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[Selene]

a young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. he tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. he says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. his mother agrees to the game.

that night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. they all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

at the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'oK, mom, which one is the woman i want to marry?'

without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'the one in the middle.'

the young man is astounded. 'how in the world did you figure it out?'

'easy,' she says. 'i don't like her.'

there were three guys talking in the pub. two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

after a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

the third fellow says "i'll tell you. just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

the first two guys were amazed. "what happened then?" they asked. "she said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

[Tango]

Paddy and Mick are chatting in the pub.

Paddy says "Hey Mick, every time I see you you're with another beautiful woman......what's you secret?"

Mick replies "When I go out on the pull I put a potatoe down my trousers. Works every time"

"Great" says Paddy "I'll try that next time I'm out!"

A week later Paddy & Mick meet up in the pub again.

"How are you getting on with the women Paddy?" asks Mick.

"Absolute disaster" replies Paddy "I tried your trick. All the men laughed at me and the women looked at me in disgust!"

Mick looks at Paddy and says "Well.....next time Paddy you may want to try putting the potatoe down the FRONT of your trousers"

[Benn]

A mars bar walks into a bar, grabs the barman and yells in his face that he'd like a beer. He then throws the barman across the room and goes and sits down at a table. The barman is obviously rattled by the experience and is horrified when shortly after, a kit kat walks through the door. "Get me a beer, now" screams the kit kat. He grabs his beer, punches the barman and goes and sits down next to the mars bar. They are both very noisy talking about their gangs and violence they're involved with and start to scare other customers off.

Then a packet of Strepsils calmly walks through the door, compliments the barman on his tie and asks nicely for a toasty. The barman glances over to the table that the mars bar and the kit kat should be sat at and is surprised to see them cowering under the table, hiding themselves. After the Strepsils leave, the barman asks them, "I thought you guys were supposed to be tough. Why were you cowering under the table?"

The Mars Bar replies; "Haven't you heard about those Strepsils? They're Menthol.

[mattycoops43]

I cant believe how much that made me laugh! I don't even know why. I am quite worried now.

[Zod]

Old farmer Ted is known around his local village for his somewhat funny but strange and random jokes. One night he clocks off work early and heads for his local pub, walking through the door he's greeted by everyone who knew him or at least all but one which he doesn't know. A non regular, a new face around the village by the name of Dick.

So Ted struts up to the bar and asks the barman (Declan) for a pint of guinness. He turns to Dick and asks him if he can sit next to him while he downs his pint before he's off on his way, of course not! Dick replied and Ted sits down.

An hour or two later both Ted and Dick are but a few left in the pub and Ted decides it's time for a joke telling...

Ted - Say what's ya name fella?

Dick - Dick is ainm dom (Is my name / Irish)

Ted - Well Dick...Y'ano...Me wife sadly passed away today. Stage two cancer...The woman was a right beauty...She was a right...What I don't get see. Is how she does de good deeds and goes to church every Sunday only for the good lord to pull the fecking plug on her!

Five minutes later Dick responds...

Dick - Well Ted. She sounds like a fine lass. I'm sorry for ye loss mate.

Ted replies...Aye, as am I. I was never fecking married in the first place!

[stewslash]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' "Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'

[uk190]

Spring 2013 !

[Benn]

A rabbit walks into a bar at 12:20pm and asks for a cheese and ham toastie. The barman gets him the tostie and the rabbit eats it and leaves. The barman is shocked and surprised at this occurrence so you can understand his bewilderment when it happens again the next day at 12:20pm. The rabbit walks in orders a cheese and ham toastie, sits down, eats it, then leaves. This happens the next day and the next day and goes on and on.

A month or so passes, spectators and journalists start to attend the bar to watch the rabbit eat and the bars business is better than it has ever been. One day, the rabbit walks in to order his usual cheese and ham toastie and some one yells "try a bacon and egg one, they're great!" So the rabbit orders a bacon and egg toastie.

The next day, the rabbit is nowhere to be seen. The spectators all leave and go home and that was the end of that. The rabbit never came back to the bar again.

Some years later, the bar is about to shut down. The ghost of the rabbit floats in and orders a cheese and ham toastie.

The Barman says "what happened? We were doing so well. The business was great and you were famous. Why did you stop coming?"

The rabbit replied;

"I was mixing-me-toasties."

[Zod]

Dude xD

[Zod]

Two Asians in a Chineese bar on a Friday night. An Asian male turns to an Asian female and asks "Do you go for Asians?" the female ignores and continues drinking and the male asks again "Do you go for Asians?" again the female ignores him and continues drinking so then the male shouts "DO YOU GO FOR f**king AISIANS?!!!" to where the female turns to him and calmly replies "No. I go for North Koreans instead".

[Grumpy Old Git]

Chinease bar?

Korean?

Asian?

[Zod]

Aye. Must admit I hadn't come up with this joke, a mate of my brothers did. All I done was pass it on ^^

[Joeman]

What do you call a cow with no legs??

Ground Beef !!

[BikerMooFromMars]

What do you call a cow with no legs??

Ground Beef !!