Tango Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Start the New Year with a groan.....some of these have been posted before....but I couldn't be @rsed to edit it...... * My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.* The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.* Paddy says, `Mick, I'm thinking of getting a Labrador .' `Really,' says Mick. `Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?'* I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least, I presume she was poor. She only had £1.20 in her purse.* My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.* The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.* A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.* I went to the cemetery yesterday to put some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, `These guys have lost the plot!'* My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. `Blow this,' I thought. `I can get one cheaper off the web.'* Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.* I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.* I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.* I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, `That guy's heading for a breakdown.'* I just met a fat, alcoholic transvestite. He wants to eat, drink and be Mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhJay Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Police tonight are searching for Sophie Ellis Bextor to question her about a recent murder victim found dead in a French football legend's house...They're saying it's murder on Zidane's floor(via the Mrs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karimura Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 ........................... pineapples ............................. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiggie Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben_E Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Heres a joke for all the mind readers out there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mealexme Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Heres a joke for all the mind readers out there.ahahaha, I am stealing this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tango Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 A woman is walking down the high street when she notices a sign in a pet shop window "Fanny licking Frog - £25)She goes into the pet shop and says "I'd like to see this Fanny licking Frog" So the guy behind the counter says "Bonjour" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrbarry Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Apparently Jeremy forest had taken Megan on an official maths field trip to France. He was trying to show her how many times 30 goes into 15. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Jim'l fix it for you! (unless you are over 15 that is!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guitarman Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Nearly drowned in a bowl of muesli. Strong currant pulled me in Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
geoff90 Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 whats diana and chanel number 5 have in common? both leaeve paris in a box Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luke_1785 Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 Don't know if this has already been posted.......I met this women shes says 'I know you from that vegetarian cafe' 'Oh no' I said. I'd never met herbivore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freetime101 Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 I was on the loo the other day when the missus came in and gave me a bj...I didn't know if I was coming or going!There was a fight in the fish shop last night...Two fish got battered!Two monkeys in a bath, one says to the other, "ooo, ooh, ahhh argh argh"The other says "well put some cold water in then" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tango Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. > He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.> > Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.> > The medicine man says, "I can cure this."> > With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a Flash with billowing blue smoke.> > Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"> > The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"> > The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year.."> > The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.> > He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.> > His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say "123" for?!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 Used to love going to the cinema to see Pearl and Dean movies......... always went with my grandma and grandpa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa PA! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 I'm sick of hearing about all these Jimmy Saville allegations - apparently now Police are saying Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Meat Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 What have Freddie Mercury and Frank Bruno got in common...?......They've have both been battered around the ring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tankbag Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Is it too early to say Jack Duckworth touched me up, or shall I wait a few decades. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gngnut Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 What sex postion creates the uglyest babys ???Ask your mum!!! haha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 A man walks into a bar, the bar kills the man. A man walks into a pub...Man > Hey there, are there any zoo's around?Barman > Nope.Man > Are there any zoo's with penguins around?Barman > Nope.Man > Good because I think I've just run over a nun.Poor old Jimmy has lost his wife in a biking accident...To drown his sorrows he's head off into his local pub where of course he gets himself drunk and so his life long friend has to walk him home because there are no taxi ranks around the area, whilst Teddy walks Jimmy home they walk into the cemetary and walk up to Jim's wife's grave...Teddy > Er Jimmy, ye do realize her arse has been left un burried?Jimmy > Aye, its only a place for me to park me bike. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tankbag Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancée and she has saidshe has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 yearstogether Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tango Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas.............said it was the best book he's ever read... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Man walks out of a shop carrying a big grandfather clock and accidently walks into a drunk, man says why don't you whatch where you are going? The drunk replied, why don't you wear a watch like everyone else? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattycoops43 Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 It's the drugs (or lack of them) again Matty! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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