Colin the Bear Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 While the Police were here I asked them about the two youths I caught eating Chinese fireworks at the back of my shed. "We held them till new year then we let them off" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethNW Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but Icouldn't find any. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spafe2302 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Some of these are brilliant. Lots of these have been passed onto the g/f so she can tell the kids in the school shes helping at. They're loving them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mojobanana Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Why does an elephant have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom... BOOM BOOM! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davefly76 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?Tequila! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
byangoma Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? - The Ultrasound guyWho covers for him when he's sick? - The Hip-replacement guy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben1405 Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?...A wonkeyWhy did the condom fly around the room?...it got pissed offWhat do you do if you come across Lion in the jungle?...wipe it off and apolagise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 What do you call an exploding Ape?A "BaBoom"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
croup101 Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) what do you call 20000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?????a good start what do you call a piky in a box?safe innit Edited September 28, 2011 by croup101 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mawsley Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 what do you call 20000 layers at the bottom of the sea?????a good start I think I speak for all chicken owners when I say that you are a sick man. You should have chosen a different subject hentirely. I shell not be reading this thread again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mealexme Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 what do you call 20000 layers at the bottom of the sea?????a good start I.... I dont get it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest philgale Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 The wife bought me a lovely new Rolex for my 45th birthday. "Do you like it" she said. "It's great" I said "it will remind me of your pussy". She laughed "is that because its exclusive and sexy". I replied "Nah, Its a bit loose round my wrist" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest philgale Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 A bird just said to me i like ya beer belly,carlberg or tetleys ??I replied theres a f**king tap underneath it,taste it and find outdon't read this one if your easily offended Doctors in the Seychelles say the man chewed to death by a shark did not suffer too much as he was only married for 11 days... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susieque Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 Philip!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest philgale Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Philip!!!!!!!!! Which one? 1,2 or 3 or all of the above Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susieque Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 All of them! This isn't in Adult y'know!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest philgale Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 i didn't post anything adult related Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest philgale Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 is this one better sue?When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.After a while, my mum said, "Just use a f**king spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mealexme Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 is this one better sue?When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.After a while, my mum said, "Just use a f**king spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."that's just cringe worthy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davefly76 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I'm thinking of a career change. I hear there are jobs going at Apple.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mealexme Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 have seen a few apple jokes on Facebook. too soon imo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decor58 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Definitely too soon since I've only just heard about it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mealexme Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role-play action babe?" she asked with a wink."Not really" I replied. "Oh, come on" she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want. Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake; however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...as I shouted: "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.Chuck Norris once watched "the Ring" tape.. 7 days later Samara diedA Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" a...nd drinks it down.The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.The chief screams, "What are you doing?"The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, @sshole!Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.So I'm straining on the toilet, pushing as hard as I can and then with a humongous *pop* ... it goes dark.My girlfriend shouted, "Darling, are you alright? We've had a powercut!""Thank fvck for that" I replied. "I thought my eyes had exploded!"I had a dream that there was an ocean made out of fizzy drinks.But then I realized it was just a Fanta sea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Joker Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 How do you turn a duck into a Soul Singer?Put it in the Microwave untill its Bill Withers...I'll get me coat! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mealexme Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 stolen from a different forumI saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Saw a chameleon today.So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty useless chameleon.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------America has reached a total national debt of 14.3 Trillion.They only asked Wonga for £200 until the end of the month.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?Lots, but they must all have the same name. As the say "Many Hans make light work!"AndA tough looking group of bikerswere riding when they saw a girlabout to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man,gets off his bike and says,"what are you doing?"''I'm going to commit suicide,"she says.While he did not want to appear insensitive,he didn't want to miss an opportunityhe asked "well, before you jump,why don't you give me a kiss?"So, she doesand it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow!That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting.You could be famousWhy are you committing suicide?” " My parents don't like medressing up like a girl." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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