BikerMooFromMars Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 What's good looking and types post number 208?HAHAHAHAHA!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BikerMooFromMars Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Can't tell jokes let alone type em for the life of me, but BASICALLY, and adapted for TMBF: A man ...let's call him Matty!...finds a lamp and gives it a little rub (as you do) and a genie pops out in a puff of smoke *pooffff*!Genie says "I will grant you 3 wishes, etc etc"Matty says "Oh fabulous! I want a gorgeous golden Highland cow to give to my bestest biker buddy LouMoo!"The genie grants his wish, and *pooffff*, a Highland cow with big, beautiful eyes and lovely golden locks appears.Matty is very pleased!Being the selfless man Matty is, he says "For my second wish, I'd like a pimped out bus for all the students I drive around to enjoy riding on"*Poooffff* - a fabulous, top of the range bus appears, to Matty's delight."And for my third and final wish, being the S&M-loving freak I am, I want to be used and discarded by beautiful women forever"."Your wish is my command" the Genie exclaims, and *pooffff*, Matty is turned into a reincarnating tampon. Admittedly I forgot what the man says to turn into a tampon, but decided this works well - hahahaha!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattycoops43 Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 Thanks.........I think?freakin psycho! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 This isn't a joke as such though it's bound to make someone laugh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tankbag Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben_E Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 I just found out my brother is a mime artist. He kept that quiet! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BikerMooFromMars Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fredc Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. 2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. 3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. 4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) 5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 Instead of a whole big heavy potatoe, can I start off with a crisp? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................"Try doing it with the engine running."A biker cop pulls over another biker one night a week before Christmas. Cop - Hello sir, could you please come around this side of your bike please? Don't want you to get run over now. Right, do you know why I have stopped you?Biker - Yes.Cop - Why?Biker - Because I don't have a license. Cop - Okay...Biker - And this bike isn't mine...Cop - Oh really?Biker - No, it's stolen. Cop - Okay so do you have any proof of identity on you or have you got your insurance documents with you?Biker - Sorry mate but didn't you see me throwing my wallet at you a mile up the road? My identity is in that though I haven't got any insurance, because this bike is stolen.Cop - Okay, so where were you going tonight and do you mind telling me what is in both the bag and your panniers?Biker - There is a gun in my bag. It's a small shot gun...I'm just on my way to nail my wife up against the front door and shoot her in the gut at close range. In the panniers there are over a million pounds worth of drugs. Cop - Okay sir, what type of drugs?Biker - Cannabis...After this small chat the cop walks back up to his bike and radio's it in, soon after his supervisor who is a sergeant pulls up in his Mitsubushi EVO X. Sergeant - Okay sir, do you know why you were stopped?Biker - No. Sergeant - Do you have your license on you?Biker - Yes. (Hands him his license)Sergeant - Does this bike belong to you sir?Biker Yes. (Hands him the insurance documents)Sergeant - Okay can you open up your bag, and panniers sir?Biker - Sure, but I am telling you now that there is no gun in my bag and there are no drugs in the panniers.Sergeant - This doesn't make sense. My colleague here has informed me that you do not have a full license, you do not have proof of identity, this is not your bike that it is stolen and that you have a gun in the bag as well as drugs in your panniers.Biker - I know, I'll bet he told you I was speeding too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 A biker falls in love with his Harley. The biker rides his Harley more than he does his wife, the biker treats his Harley with better care and attention than he does his wife. Who or what is the bikers Harley? I can probably bet neither of you can get this and I also bet that most of you will say that his Harley is his bike too xD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bogof Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 A biker falls in love with his Harley. The biker rides his Harley more than he does his wife, the biker treats his Harley with better care and attention than he does his wife. Who or what is the bikers Harley? I can probably bet neither of you can get this and I also bet that most of you will say that his Harley is his bike too xD His mistress Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben_E Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Recent news states that North Korea have expressed the intention to invade Japan. I'd like to take this opportunity to be the first one to wish them luck with the storming of Takeshi's Castle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 A biker falls in love with his Harley. The biker rides his Harley more than he does his wife, the biker treats his Harley with better care and attention than he does his wife. Who or what is the bikers Harley? I can probably bet neither of you can get this and I also bet that most of you will say that his Harley is his bike too xD His mistress Damn you! A Hell of a DayI was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me,grabs MY drink and just gulps it all down, in one swig."Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears."This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me..When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all."I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve…and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But enough about me, how are you doing?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 I'm starting my own company,recycling chewing gum.I just need a little assistance to help get it off the ground........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 I took my mate out sea-fishing. he puked all day.As we got back into the bay,he recovered slightly."Oh,finally found some sea legs,eh?" I asked.But he wasn't a happy bunny;as he stood swaying,he mumbled"Don't be a prat-even I know seals don't lay eggs!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 I'm single because I'm useless at chatting up women.Viccy,my female biker mate,said she'd listen to my lines,then give her opinion.That seemed fair enough,so I thought for a moment,then said "On your marks,get set....GO!""WTF's THAT?" she asked,looking somewhat astonished."Well.....it's a start"...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Some classics there Puggy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 Thanks Grumps. This joke-telling lark is like the Fibonacci Sequence;it's as easy as 1,1,2,3![ok,ok,I know. coat,door....] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 The other day I was chatting with a pal of mine who brought up the beer topic. Now this friend is Irish...About half way through our little conversation he mentioned that he thinks the Welsh are zombies. I asked him why? He said, instead of drinking BEER they drink BRAINS!A 12 year old kid plays COD. He is very annoyed at the fact that he gets killed every five seconds due to what he claims is someone camping at his spawn. He begins to cry, he begins to scream and he begins to smash up his controller until eventually he finally manages to kill someone...With a grenade that also killed himself. To that he plugged in his microphone and started screaming through it at the other players. A server admin enters the server to hear a displeased visitor screaming at other visitors because he's fed up of dying...The server admin kindly tells the kid to shut the hell up and play or be muted. The kid continues. He says something funny which makes the server admin laugh...Kid - If I were ever in the army I would kill every one of you with one bullet!To that the server admin laughs even harder at this kids idiocy. Eventually every player in the server including those on his own team crowd around and start owning him. The kid screams some more....A member of his family enters his room and records a video...Enjoy! "> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uk190 Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 how a bout your shortest joke?this one comes courtesy of Jimmy Carr and is two words in length.."vennison's dear".so it qualifies for both the shortest and worst joke too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boothy Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 dwarf shortages Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zod Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 A penguin escapes a zoo and finds itself walking into a catholic church...It comes out a nun.A distressed man walks into a bar one day...He orders himself a pint and while the barman is getting his order the distressed man decides to start a convo..."Eh, are there any zoo's around?" The barman says no."Are there any zoo's with penguins around?"The barman says no.To that the distressed man replies "Good because I think I've just run over a nun!"Poor misses Connor has lost her husband to cancer. A week after his death she finds herself at his funeral, she goes against his plans of burial. After the funeral she gets a text on her phone from her passed husband...It read "Typical bloody woman!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted June 2, 2013 Share Posted June 2, 2013 A bloke came to my door to tell me he'd just hit my cat"Oh,shit-is he ok?""I shouldn't think so mate-his head broke my snooker cue!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cyberwolf Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 When walking in the desert always carry a car door with you, because if it gets to hot you can always roll down the window for that cooling breeze. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.