Colin the Bear Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Two goldfish in a bowl...One large and one small...Going round....and round...and round....And the little one says to the big one..."Are we nearly there yet?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest philgale Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 whats the best thing about sleeping with 27 year olds....theres 20 of them Bit much that one lol oh well...never been one to shy away from controversy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GazzyG Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Why did the girl fall off the swing?Cos she didn't have any arms... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin the Bear Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Mickey mouse goes to the solicitors and asks about a divorce from minnie."What are the grounds Mr Mouse?""She's f**kin goofy""I'm afraid that sticky out teeth is not grounds for divorce""That's not what I said " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin the Bear Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 What's orange and sounds like a parrot?A carrot 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethNW Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Where does a baby ape sleep......................................In an apricot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 What do you call a baby monk?A monkey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wannars125 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 My missus said she was wearing a slinky dress, so I pushed her down the stairs....She was lying... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 A wife asked her husband to call in the shops on the way home from work and get a pint of milk and, if they have any fresh farm eggs, get six.When he got home, she said - "Why have you brought home 6 pints of milk?"Answer:"Because they did have fresh farm eggs!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tango Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 How do you know when you've passed an elephant?You can't get the toilet seat down! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tango Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 What races around the bottom of the lake terrorising all the other fish?A motor Pike and side Carp! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
argentum40 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 bloke breaks down in his car on a country lane,he lifts the bonnet up and stands there gawping in the engine baywhen he hears "ppssssttttt its the fanbelt"he jumps up and looks around but sees nobody,thinks its his imagination and continues to check things and once again he hears " oi dipshit its your fanbelt"again he looks and sees no bugger about, just 2 horses, one black and one white and a load of sheephe checks his fanbelt and sure enough its the fanblet snapped which he promptly changed.he slams the bonnet and hears " told you didnt i" and he sees the horse which says" now on ya way".the man is astonished and is just about to drive off when a farmer trundles along in his tractor so he jumps outand tellls the farmer what happened, farmer says " the black horse was it?man says "yeah how the fook did you know?"famrer says " cos the white horse knows fook all about cars" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethNW Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................ "Try doing it with the engine running." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fredc Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Q: Where do you find elephants?A: It depends on where you lost them.Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?A: Because the white ones get dirty too fast.Q: Why do elephants live in herds?A: To get a wholesale reduction on the blue tennis shoes.Q: Why do elephants float on their backs?A: So they don't get their tennis shoes wet.Q: What goes clomp,clomp,clomp, squish ,clomp,clomp,clomp, squish..?A: An elephant with one wet tennis shoe.Q: How many elephants can you fit in a taxi?A: Four. (One next to the driver and 3 in back)Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a taxi?A: None--it's full of elephants.Q: What sport do elephants play in a taxi?A: Squash.Q: How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house?A: There's a taxi outside with three elephants in it.Q: How do you put an elephant into refrigerator?A: Open door, put elephant in, close door.Q: How do you put a giraffe into refrigerator?A: Open door, get elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.Q: How can you tell when there's been an elephant in yourrefrigerator?A: Footprints in the butter.Q: How can you tell when there is an elephant in your refrigerator?A: Blue tennis shoes are left outside.Q: How can you tell when there are two elephants in you refrigerator?A: It's hard to close the door.Q:How can you tell when there's been four elephants in yourrefrigerator?A:There's a taxi waiting outside.Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?A: Fridge is not large enough to hold them all.Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?A: Sir.Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?A:Anything you want, it can't hear you.Q: Why do elephants drink so much?A: To try to forget.Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,grey,yellow, grey, yellow?A:An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?A: You can't get the toilet seat down.Q: How do elephants get up into oak trees?A: They sit on an acorn and wait.Q: How do elephants get down from oak trees?A: They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.Q: Why are crocodiles long, thin, and flat?A: They walk under trees in autumn.Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?A: From jumping out of oak trees - they're impatient!Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?A: To soften their landing when they jump out of oak trees.Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?A: Because it was dead.Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?A: It was glued to the first one.Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?A: It thought it was a game.Q:And why did the tree fall down?A: It thought it was an elephant.Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?A: Because that's when the elephants do their parachute jumping.Q: What is a furry alligator?A:A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.Q: Why are the pygmies so small?A: They can't tell time!Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?A: To fit on lily pads.Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 inthe afternoon?A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.Q: Why are frogs so short?A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?A: You miss most of the picture!Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?A: Cold ones.Q: What is convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds?A:An elephant six-pack.Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?A: For carrying their library cards.Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?A: So they can wear thongs.Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?A: From playing marbles...Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a whale?A: A submarine with built-in snorkel.Q: What do you say when an elephant sneezes?A: "Gezundheit."Q: How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge?A: He asks if you accept Visa.Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?A: Time to get a new fence.Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?A: Because they might let down their trunks.Q: Why do elephants travel in herds?A: Because if they traveled in flocks they might be mistaken forsheep.Q: What looks like an elephant and flies?A: A flying elephant.Q: How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant?A: Grapes are purple.Q: What's the difference between an elephant and grass?A: They're both green, except the elephant.Q: How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephantif you're color blind?A: Dance on it for awhile. If you don't get any wine, it's anelephant.Q: What did the grape say when the elephants stood on it?A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine.Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?A: Cos(Theta) Note:Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw elephants coming over the hill?A: "Look, there's elephants coming over the hill."Q: What did he say when he saw elephants with sunglasses on, comingover the hill?A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw giraffes with sunglasses oncoming over the hill?A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"Q: What did the elephants say when they saw Hannibal coming overthe hill?A: Nothing, elephants can't talk.Q: What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw three elephants insunglasses coming down the path?A: Voila les elephants.Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants over the hill?A: "Here comes a bunch of grapes over the hill". She wascolorblind.Q: What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?A:About three thousand miles.Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?A: You can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant.Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?A: Smokey the Elephant.Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats?A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.Q: Why do elephants wear green nail polish?A: So they can hide in a pea patch.Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, green and orange?A: So they can hide in M&M bags.Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?A: No? Well, it must work then.Q: By the way, what is the black triangle sticking out of the custard?A: It's a shark. That's why the elephants hide...Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seatof your car?A: Getting two elephants into the back seat of your car!Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?A: Sole use of the elevator.Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.Q: Why don't elephants drink martinis?A: Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose?Q: How do you run over an elephant?A: Climb up it's tail, dash to it's head and slide down its trunk.Q: How do you get down off an elephant?A: You don't. You get down off a duck.Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?A: So that they don't sink in the sand.Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.Q: What sound you get when you drop an elephant down a mineshaft?A: A-flat miner.Q: What sound do you get when you drop an elephant into an army camp?A: A-flat major.Q: How do you get an elephant into a thimble?A: Stuff a bale of hay in it.Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?A: One straw at a time.Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.Q: What is grey and lights up?A:An electric elephant.Q: Dow do you stop a herd of elephants from charging?A: Take away their credit-cards.Q: Why do elephants need trunks?A: Because they don't have glove compartments.Q: Why do elephants have trunks?A: Because they'd look silly carrying suitcases.Q: What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk?A:An elephant going on vacation.Q: What's brown, has four legs, and a trunk?A: The same elephant, coming back from vacation.Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?A: To trip low flying canaries.Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?A: Chicken's day off.Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?A: To pick up the squashed chicken.Q: How does an elephant get out of a phone booth?A: The same way he got in.Q: Why do elephants have wrinkles?A: Ever tried to iron an elephant?Q: How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?A: Take out all the matches first.Q: What do you call elephants who ride on trains?A: Passengers.Q: What did the elephant say when he walked into the bar?A: Ouch.Q: Where do baby elephants come from?A: Big storks.Q: What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside?A: An inside out elephant.Q: What is grey and not there.A: No elephants.Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?A: Free Parking.Q: What do you call a six ton elephant walking down the street?A: Sir!Q: Why are chickens white and elephants grey?A: So you can tell them from bluebirds.Q: Why don't elephants ride bicycles?A: They don't have thumbs to ring the bell.Q: How do you make an elephant float?A: Take two scoops of ice-cream, coca cola and one elephant.Q: Why can't two elephants go swimming?A: They only have one pair of trunks between them.Q: Why did the elephant dry the dishes with a blue dish towl?A: Because they were wet!Q: Why don't elephants like blue lace petticoats?A: Who says they don't like them?Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?A:About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down thestreet wearing pink sweatshirts?A: They're all on the same team.Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?A: Lots of room.Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?A: Cinderelephant.Q: What do elephants take when they get hysterical?A: Trunkquilizers.Q: What is grey, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money toelephants?A: The Tusk Fairy.Q: Where do elephants with skincare problems go?A: Pachydermatologists.Q: How do elephants talk to each other?A: By 'elephone.Q: What's red & white on the outside, and grey on the inside?A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup.Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?A: An elephant with spare parts. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mojobanana Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Fred, have you been saving those up? made me giggle....but I like elephant jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decor58 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Longest post award goes to Fred! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susieque Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 Brilliant!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin the Bear Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z28/Colin_the_bear/emoticon-cartoon-025.gifExcellent Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhJay Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, would always walk barefoot. This gave him really thick, tough skin on the bottoms of his feet.Due to all his hunger strikes he was very frail and the body breakdown products gave him really bad breath.By my reckoning, this would make him:a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin the Bear Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Umdiddlediddlediddleumdiddleah Spit spot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tango Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 A guy and his monkey go into a pub. After a bit the monkey gets bored and starts running all over the bar. The barman tells the guy to keep control of his monkey. So he gets the monkey to sit down. After a short while the monkey gets bored and starts running all over the bar again. The barman says to the guy "If you can't keep your monkey under control I'm gonna have to throw you out". So the guy says " OK I'll try to keep him under control". After a short while the monkey jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the balls and swallows it. The barman says " Right that's it, get out and take you monkey with you!" So the guy takes his monkey and leaves.A few weeks later the guys goes back into the pub with his monkey. The barman says " I threw you out a few weeks back because you couldn't control your monkey!". The guy says "Yeah, I'm really sorry about that, but the monkey is much better behaved now" So the barman says " OK, but the first sign of trouble from your monkey and you're out". The guy says "OK"The monkey just sits at the bar on a stool no problem for a while. Then it reaches across, picks up a peanut from a bowl on the bar, puts the peanut up its bum, then eats it. The barman shouts " Did you see what your monkey just did? That's disgusting. What's it doing?"So the guy says " Yeah, well since the incident with the Pool ball he checks the size of everything before he eats it now!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin the Bear Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z28/Colin_the_bear/0027.gifExcellenthttp://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z28/Colin_the_bear/0027.gif Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethNW Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 quiet suburban road, married couple in a car - on their way home, the guy is driving, nowhere to hurry, speed's about 45 mph.The wife turns to him and goes:- You know hun, although we've been married 15 years, I want a divorce.The husband keeps silent, just speeds up to 50 mph.- And I don't want you to try and change my mind, it's decided, I'm already sleeping with your best friend, and he's way better in bed.The guy, still silent, speeds up to 60.- I'm taking the house.Speed is 70.- And the kids.Speed climbs to 80.- As well as the car and pretty much all the money.The guy still silent, aims the car to an oncoming tree.- Do you want anything? - the wife asks.- No, I have everything I could possibly need,- finally answers the guy.- What's that?A few seconds before the impact, he goes:- An Airbag! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dimmers Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 I went to this zoo the other day, there were no animals there apart from this one dog....... it was a shitzu. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin the Bear Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Found two youths drinking battery acid in my backyard. Called the Police and they put them on a charge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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