I'm back!

[fastbob]

*Cue Eminem song*

Sorry I was gone for so long, after a few MOD fails I wasnt feeling the bike scene so just needed some time to get my head down and find the love again, then attempt the MOD 2!

Normal posting can resume once more! Especially once I have a new bike!

See what you've been missing

[elizabethf]

If I greeted visitors to my house by leaping on them stark naked, clawing at their clothes whilst slobbering and rubbing my dick all over them they'd probably have something to say about it.

 

That's just called poor socialisation training. Dallas is trained so she won't charge into you as soon as the door opens and jumping up is a huge no-no . All things taught from day one of her being with me.

 

One of the worst offenders for the behaviour I described above was from the huge Dogue de Bordeaux belonging to one of my friends. To be fair though, as he's a journalist for the Daily Star it was just as likely to be him doing it as the dog...

 

he left his morals at the door the day he took that job I suppose! (Fun random fact: i have a journalism degree. Second fun random fact: I was a journalist for 7 years, hated it, moved to "the darkside" of comms)

[MarkW]

he left his morals at the door the day he took that job I suppose! (Fun random fact: i have a journalism degree. Second fun random fact: I was a journalist for 7 years, hated it, moved to "the darkside" of comms)

 

I don't know how he summons up the enthusiasm to get out of bed every morning to write the retarded drivel they print. He's a really bright guy and was inspired to become a journalist by All The Presidents Men, and then went on to work for a newspaper that in journalistic terms is on a par with The Beano. The crime reporting is hilariously bad - "Pals say "We always knew he was a wrong 'un"" - that's pretty much the level of it.

[elizabethf]

He must go home and cry each day...

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

I don’t think this’ll go down well in some quarters but this is my take on it-

People love their pets like they’re human because it’s a basic human need (for most people) to feel loved (and for many to be wanted and needed) animals can fulfill this function without the risks of any of the other damaging aspects of humans, you attach whatever level of importance you like and anthromorphasise away to your hearts content, the animal will agree with you.

In a way they’re an upgrade from a human relationship because you get all the love and affection you need for very little return. Unlike a person who will be demanding of your time and attention, occasionally disruptive and likely to require a lot of thought and input. You could if you were being hard nosed and not wanting to be arsed with other people say they are more efficient than humans on delivering a good relationship. You just have to set aside the notion that human interaction is somehow superior.

Judging the animal as lesser than a human so the person must be too is what leads to the snears.

I’ve shown and bred dogs for years, currently I have four dogs (MarkW would hate it here) we all anthrorphasise the hell out them and enjoy it (although I will say we wouldn’t dream of doing that in front of other people). In the morning I’m greeted by multicoloured fast waving tails and this enthusiastic entourage of fans follow me about tinkled pink to see that I’m still me (and alive to feed them ) for a few minutes everyday before they settle down and bugger off to do whatever they want to do. It’s a great way to start the day.

And don’t get me started on the dogs (and strangely some cats!) that have saved human lives.

 

Oh I completely understand why people love their pets; my issue is with people who can't understand why I don't love them.

If I greeted visitors to my house by leaping on them stark naked, clawing at their clothes whilst slobbering and rubbing my dick all over them they'd probably have something to say about it. But fail to show unbridled joy when their dog does it to you and you're instantly a pariah. Then there's the overwhelming urge to vomit into the aspidistra as you watch them kiss their dog on the nose or let it lick their face.

And God help you if you've got young kids and ever move to intercept one of the bloody things as it comes barrelling towards you. I recently saw a toddler and his parents absolutely terrified in our local park as a huge dog came hurtling at them. The father instinctively stuck his foot out to try to fend it off, at which point the owner (who was under the common delusion that "It's OK - he's friendly" makes it all alright) went completely mental, accusing him of animal cruelty despite the fact that his dog clearly ran into the guy's foot rather than it having been kicked. He turned to me for support, and got none whatsoever.

Plus around here there's also the twice-daily delight of the turd-strewn walk to school with the kids, the relentless yapping or barking at anything and everything all hours of the day and night, the pissing up the side of my car...

And then there are cat lovers. Not the normal people who just happen to have a cat (in my case because I think it's good for kids to learn how to look after a pet) but the socially maladjusted who talk to the bloody things as though they can understand (hint: they can't - it just makes you look deranged) or who bore the shite out of you with interminably tedious stories about their antics, or show you endless photographs of the sodding things the same way new parents show pictures of their babies. And then there's that special moment when you discover that the person whose house you've been eating at for years lets the cat sit on the kitchen work surface, which is fine apparently, because Mr f*cking Snuggles or whatever the bloody thing is called is 'one of the family'.

Pets can obviously be good company for the elderly, but for anyone who is not elderly and who thinks that the relationship they have with their pet is a suitable and sufficient surrogate for human interaction, I'm sorry, but the problem is with you, not with the rest of us.

And as for horses... Jesus! One of our senior managers has a riding stables, and regularly regales me with anecdotes about how intelligent they are. They're not. Horses are f*cking stupid. They've produced nothing in the way of literature, and such art as they have produced (when encouraged so to do by their demented owners) would be considered simplistic and excremental even by Cy Twombly's low standards.

On the other hand, having eaten them a few times I can attest to their being quite tasty.

 

Well you’ve morphed this a bit.

You started off with -

“I hate dogs. And cats. Also hamsters, gerbils, mice, guinea pigs, horses... in fact anything that needs looking after that isn't one day going to be able to fetch me a cup of tea and a slice of cake. All pets are obsolete technology in my opinion.”

Now it’s sounding more like I don’t hate pets, I hate some/most pet owners.

After I finished laughing I found myself agreeing with the majority of what you’ve said. All of these fouls are human errors though not the pets.

Humans with dogs they can’t control and don’t clear up after are the ones who should become obsolete but your post already seems to be saying that.

The part I find off kilter -

“......their pet is a suitable and sufficient surrogate for human interaction, I'm sorry, but the problem is with you, not with the rest of us.”

Animals are for most humans not a surrogate but an adjunct, for some yes they are substitutes but what you’re saying is based on the idea that human interaction is superior and if people don’t seek it out over a relationship with a pet then that’s their problem.

I don’t think they see it as a problem, they’re quite happy with it - if you don’t like it that’s your problem. They’ve already decided they’re not that fond of humans.... hmmm that reminds of someone

Perhaps we need a thread called ‘People Who Get On MarkW’s Nerves’ or ‘Who Should Die Today’

I get what you’re saying about having to listen to cat/rabbit/dog/horse stories and look at photos of their ‘babies’ cos I worked on a ward where the majority were not married, did not have children or a lot going on outside work but even in the saddest of dull animal anecdotes (that I smiled and nodded my way through) my overwhelming feeling was this person has a lot of love to give and nowhere to put it.

I have kicked a dog hard enough to send it sideways, the little b**tard was running free and straight at my son with evil intent, my sons speedy little toddler legs had powered ahead and I had to run to intercept and deflect the animal before it made contact with what I guess would have been it’s fangs on his sweet little chubby chops. I have no sympathy with people who don’t control their animals or clear up after them or who inconvenience others with their life choices but I couldn’t say I hate pets because of it.

You mention ‘normal cat owners’ you don’t fall into this category, normal is just what’s average and ones things for certain you Mark are not average

If you do ever leap on your guests naked and slobbering please load it up on here it would be hoot, I’d pay to see it Do it, doo it, dooo it!

[MarkW]

Well you’ve morphed this a bit.

You started off with -

“I hate dogs. And cats. Also hamsters, gerbils, mice, guinea pigs, horses... in fact anything that needs looking after that isn't one day going to be able to fetch me a cup of tea and a slice of cake. All pets are obsolete technology in my opinion.”

Now it’s sounding more like I don’t hate pets, I hate some/most pet owners.

 

Yup: My first comment was just light-hearted (hence the laughing face), but then Mr Happy turned up with his f*cking laughometer and Vulcan grasp of humour and I found myself having to justify something that clearly wasn't supposed to be taken seriously.

I imagine he'll be along again in a minute to pronounce on my haughty contempt for Trump supporters in the 'Over-used words' thread...

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

Well you’ve morphed this a bit.

You started off with -

“I hate dogs. And cats. Also hamsters, gerbils, mice, guinea pigs, horses... in fact anything that needs looking after that isn't one day going to be able to fetch me a cup of tea and a slice of cake. All pets are obsolete technology in my opinion.”

Now it’s sounding more like I don’t hate pets, I hate some/most pet owners.

 

Yup: My first comment was just light-hearted (hence the laughing face), but then Mr Happy turned up with his f*cking laughometer and Vulcan grasp of humour and I found myself having to justify something that clearly wasn't supposed to be taken seriously.

I imagine he'll be along again in a minute to pronounce on my haughty contempt for Trump supporters in the 'Over-used words' thread...

 

Contempt for Trump?! Now you’re ‘pushing the envelope’

Oops wrong thread

[skyrider]

I don’t think this’ll go down well in some quarters but this is my take on it-

People love their pets like they’re human because it’s a basic human need (for most people) to feel loved (and for many to be wanted and needed) animals can fulfill this function without the risks of any of the other damaging aspects of humans, you attach whatever level of importance you like and anthromorphasise away to your hearts content, the animal will agree with you.

In a way they’re an upgrade from a human relationship because you get all the love and affection you need for very little return. Unlike a person who will be demanding of your time and attention, occasionally disruptive and likely to require a lot of thought and input. You could if you were being hard nosed and not wanting to be arsed with other people say they are more efficient than humans on delivering a good relationship. You just have to set aside the notion that human interaction is somehow superior.

Judging the animal as lesser than a human so the person must be too is what leads to the snears.

I’ve shown and bred dogs for years, currently I have four dogs (MarkW would hate it here) we all anthrorphasise the hell out them and enjoy it (although I will say we wouldn’t dream of doing that in front of other people). In the morning I’m greeted by multicoloured fast waving tails and this enthusiastic entourage of fans follow me about tinkled pink to see that I’m still me (and alive to feed them ) for a few minutes everyday before they settle down and bugger off to do whatever they want to do. It’s a great way to start the day.

And don’t get me started on the dogs (and strangely some cats!) that have saved human lives.

 

Oh I completely understand why people love their pets; my issue is with people who can't understand why I don't love them.

If I greeted visitors to my house by leaping on them stark naked, clawing at their clothes whilst slobbering and rubbing my dick all over them they'd probably have something to say about it. But fail to show unbridled joy when their dog does it to you and you're instantly a pariah. Then there's the overwhelming urge to vomit into the aspidistra as you watch them kiss their dog on the nose or let it lick their face.

And God help you if you've got young kids and ever move to intercept one of the bloody things as it comes barrelling towards you. I recently saw a toddler and his parents absolutely terrified in our local park as a huge dog came hurtling at them. The father instinctively stuck his foot out to try to fend it off, at which point the owner (who was under the common delusion that "It's OK - he's friendly" makes it all alright) went completely mental, accusing him of animal cruelty despite the fact that his dog clearly ran into the guy's foot rather than it having been kicked. He turned to me for support, and got none whatsoever.

Plus around here there's also the twice-daily delight of the turd-strewn walk to school with the kids, the relentless yapping or barking at anything and everything all hours of the day and night, the pissing up the side of my car...

And then there are cat lovers. Not the normal people who just happen to have a cat (in my case because I think it's good for kids to learn how to look after a pet) but the socially maladjusted who talk to the bloody things as though they can understand (hint: they can't - it just makes you look deranged) or who bore the shite out of you with interminably tedious stories about their antics, or show you endless photographs of the sodding things the same way new parents show pictures of their babies. And then there's that special moment when you discover that the person whose house you've been eating at for years lets the cat sit on the kitchen work surface, which is fine apparently, because Mr f*cking Snuggles or whatever the bloody thing is called is 'one of the family'.

Pets can obviously be good company for the elderly, but for anyone who is not elderly and who thinks that the relationship they have with their pet is a suitable and sufficient surrogate for human interaction, I'm sorry, but the problem is with you, not with the rest of us.

And as for horses... Jesus! One of our senior managers has a riding stables, and regularly regales me with anecdotes about how intelligent they are. They're not. Horses are f*cking stupid. They've produced nothing in the way of literature, and such art as they have produced (when encouraged so to do by their demented owners) would be considered simplistic and excremental even by Cy Twombly's low standards.

On the other hand, having eaten them a few times I can attest to their being quite tasty.

they are an animal that lets other animals ride on their backs enough said

[elizabethf]

Riding horses is a surreal thing. At any point regardless of training they could easily turn round and think 'nah f this' and get you off!

[MarkW]

They’ve already decided they’re not that fond of humans.... hmmm that reminds of someone

It's not that I hate people, it's just that I'm usually happier when they're not around. The problem with the more demented animal lovers is that they require a surrogate for the human interaction and believe that their pets provide it. And have you seen some of them? They look like the pictures on those news stories that end with the words "...before turning the gun on himself."

 

Perhaps we need a thread called ‘People Who Get On MarkW’s Nerves’ or ‘Who Should Die Today’

Nobody deserves to die for pissing me off - not even that unflushable turd Nigel Farage - but a thread listing the people who get on my nerves would almost certainly break the internet.

 

You mention ‘normal cat owners’ you don’t fall into this category, normal is just what’s average and ones things for certain you Mark are not average

Lots of people tell me that, and I have no idea what they mean. I'm in danger of developing a complex, from where it'll only be a small step to flopping on the sofa when I get home and asking the cat what kind of day it's had.

 

If you do ever leap on your guests naked and slobbering please load it up on here it would be hoot, I’d pay to see it Do it, doo it, dooo it!

Hmm... definitely worth considering for dealing with the pestilence of proselytizing loonies the church sends round. Mind you, I seem to have been black-listed after I provided an elderly woman from the church at the end of the road with my own interpretation of what Jesus meant when he said "Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth."

[SometimesSansEngine]

If it helps [mention]MarkW[/mention], I think I get where you're coming from re cats.

I have work colleagues who MUST show me the latest hilarious picture of their cat and it will just be them lying between cushions on the sofa. But it's CUTE (they always do the weird "aaw look at him" voice) and I'm expected to go "aaaaw" on a daily basis. I only assume they keep showing me them because maybe just maybe the latest picture of Tinkles lying outstretched with her belly in the air will be THE ONE that finally I find cute.

[MarkW]

If it helps @MarkW, I think I get where you're coming from re cats.

I have work colleagues who MUST show me the latest hilarious picture of their cat and it will just be them lying between cushions on the sofa. But it's CUTE (they always do the weird "aaw look at him" voice) and I'm expected to go "aaaaw" on a daily basis. I only assume they keep showing me them because maybe just maybe the latest picture of Tinkles lying outstretched with her belly in the air will be THE ONE that finally I find cute.

 

I know - it drives you doolally, particularly because if you fail to make the right appreciative noises they skulk off with a dismissive "You clearly don't understand". Well cat-lover, the fault here is actually yours, not mine: I love my kids more than anything and think they're both utterly adorable, but I have the social sophistication to realise that nobody else gives a toss, and consequently I don't bore the shite out of them by showing them endless sodding photos.

[SometimesSansEngine]

Here are some recent unsolicited cat photos sent to me via whatsapp by work colleagues, where I was expected to tell them how cute their cat was

[Gin]

But... Their cats are very cute!

I was also going to comment on each dog pic in this thread but they're all awesome ( [mention]Six30[/mention], that coat pattern is Amazing! So gorgeous)

 

the juvenile anthropomorphism; the assumption that everyone is equally fascinated by whatever mind-numbingly tedious thing they do;

This is a little my feeling on people who go OTT on their kid, posting constantly to FB and the like with new drool pics.

A few pics here and there or you kids / pets is cute and I like hearing about, but expecting everyone around you to appreciate it constantly, is a bit much.

Though I still don't think I feel as strongly on any of this as Mark does

Edited March 4, 2019 by Gin

[MarkW]

A friend of mine was once plagued by work colleagues showing him photos of their kids, and asked me what he could say to stop them doing it. I said "Nom nom nom" ought to do the trick.

[MarkW]

But... Their cats are very cute!

 

There's nothing wrong with those cats - it's their owners that need neutering.

[SometimesSansEngine]

But... Their cats are very cute!

 

More than happy to arrange for them to send them to you instead

[Gin]

But... Their cats are very cute!

 

More than happy to arrange for them to send them to you instead

 

How do I sign up for "Daily Pet Pics" ?

[Gin]

But... Their cats are very cute!

 

There's nothing wrong with those cats - it's their owners that need neutering.

Aye, I think while you were replying I edited mine

[mikestrivens]

I have very similar problems to [mention]MarkW[/mention] with other peoples children. Generally I find them unbearably ghastly.

[Tiggie]

If anyone here uses Google Photos they will know that google scans through all your photos and automatically creates albums and videos. Here is one it made using photos of my cat. For full effect you need to have the sound up. Feel free to punch me if you ever see me in person

https://youtu.be/q7eU5-YvnNM

[Gin]

I can't wait to click that when I'm not at work Tiggie

[Six30]

If anyone here uses Google Photos they will know that google scans through all your photos and automatically creates albums and videos. Here is one it made using photos of my cat. For full effect you need to have the sound up. Feel free to punch me if you ever see me in person

https://youtu.be/q7eU5-YvnNM

 

Body or face ?

[Tiggie]

I think the song alone deserves the face

[MarkW]

I have very similar problems to @MarkW with other peoples children. Generally I find them unbearably ghastly.

 

Years ago, when I showed no interest whatsoever in other peoples kids they'd say "It'll be different when you have your own". But it isn't: I'm interested in my kids, have zero interest in anyone else's, and do them the courtesy of assuming they are similarly well-adjusted and so don't show them mine.

Drum kits, on the other hand... wanna see my Premier Genista that used to belong to Jack Bruce's session drummer?