How are you feeling ?

[Guest]

I did that, it was timed it so I had 24 hours to get out of the house with all my worldly processions a full car and a full allowance of 40 kg hold luggage (mostly clothes), when I went away to work 24 hours later.

 

Lightweight!

You mean you didn't get your clothes thrown up the drive and had to sleep rough for 3 weeks in Winter 1982?

[mthinesy]

I've hit the wall today, for sure. I have a very long back story. My life is controlled by anxiety these last few years, rather than a lingering depression.

Anyway, I think this second phase of the virus is really getting to me too. I live in Manchester, Belfast is home, so do struggle with being stuck over here at the moment. The uncertainty of it all is really overwhelming.

I decided to get my motorbike licence after a failed attempt in my twenties, to give me something to focus on, hence why I am on this forum.

[Bender]

[mention]mthinesy[/mention] focus on the positives it appears bikes are a common support mechanism

[mthinesy]

@mthinesy focus on the positives it appears bikes are a common support mechanism

 

Very much so. It's been mountain biking for most of my adult life, although it often got put on hold too often.

[Guest]

I'm generally ok. Realistically I have it pretty good, lovely partner, nice place to live and the like. Current job is my only real issue, so covid lockdown was a welcome distancing from it, although I was still working throughout. I'm well aware it's up to me to change the things I don't like so busily applying for other things. When things get a bit much then making something or going for a ride is my catharsis.

Certainly I wish everyone here all the best, people have been through a hell of a lot worse than I ever have so I shouldn't be complaining about anything really.

Edited November 2, 2020 by goat

[Bender]

That's the thing with mental health though, what appears to be an absolute mountain to one person can be brushed off and something very trivial to another can tip someone else over the edge.

[fastbob]

I've hit the wall today, for sure. I have a very long back story. My life is controlled by anxiety these last few years, rather than a lingering depression.

Anyway, I think this second phase of the virus is really getting to me too. I live in Manchester, Belfast is home, so do struggle with being stuck over here at the moment. The uncertainty of it all is really overwhelming.

I decided to get my motorbike licence after a failed attempt in my twenties, to give me something to focus on, hence why I am on this forum.

 

I think you put it very well . The anxiety is really tiring me out and chipping away at my strength . The worst part for me is like being a spectator at your own life . I'm acutely aware of my own behaviour but I seem to be losing control over it .

[Guest]

Frankly I'm surprised by the number of people on here who are reporting mental health issues.

Is it a case that more people are now suffering with mental health problems......or is it just simply talked about more because there were stigmas associated to it in the past?

As far as I'm aware I don't actually have any mental health problems. How would I know if I did?

[Tiggie]

I definitely think it's just talked about more now than it ever was before. Years ago no-one knew apart from my Wife I was on antidepressants.

I don't go around talking about it but if the subject comes up I'll mention it. There certainly was a time when I didn't!

[Old-codger]

Cant say its effected me much im a bit laid back and just go with the flow, Ive had a serious illness for twenty plus years that has really f###ed my life and body up which has taken its toll. I just get on with things and deal with life as it comes along, and just for a laugh at the start of the year I was diagnosed with cancer to really bugger things up. But hay ho life goes on and as the song goes "always look on the bright side of life". On the other hand my partner is finding it hard especially since the cancer diagnosis and the complications that is causing. I dont worry about myself just try to help and support the people around me.

[Guest]

Cant say its effected me much im a bit laid back and just go with the flow, Ive had a serious illness for twenty plus years that has really f###ed my life and body up which has taken its toll. I just get on with things and deal with life as it comes along, and just for a laugh at the start of the year I was diagnosed with cancer to really bugger things up. But hay ho life goes on and as the song goes "always look on the bright side of life". On the other hand my partner is finding it hard especially since the cancer diagnosis and the complications that is causing. I dont worry about myself just try to help and support the people around me.

 

Sorry to hear that.......wishing you all the best!

[Old-codger]

Cant say its effected me much im a bit laid back and just go with the flow, Ive had a serious illness for twenty plus years that has really f###ed my life and body up which has taken its toll. I just get on with things and deal with life as it comes along, and just for a laugh at the start of the year I was diagnosed with cancer to really bugger things up. But hay ho life goes on and as the song goes "always look on the bright side of life". On the other hand my partner is finding it hard especially since the cancer diagnosis and the complications that is causing. I dont worry about myself just try to help and support the people around me.

 

Sorry to hear that.......wishing you all the best!

Thanks for that, as the saying goes keep calm and carry on.

[MarkW]

Eating Edwina Currie's gateaux in Derby? That was me!

 

Please tell me that's not a euphemism...

[Guest]

Eating Edwina Currie's gateaux in Derby? That was me!

 

Please tell me that's not a euphemism...

 

Real gateaux.....the real Edwina Currie......at the big presentation that was done for Toyota when they opened the factory there.

[Tiggie]

Here we go, back to talking about Toyotas again

[manxie49]

Two other areas people can get help from: The second one is aimed at service veterans.

https://mhmotorbike.com/?fbclid=IwAR3URiOBerKTfUbUd1kHXwGJHDJVQ0ePSlkmf6dQJv8ydccdvEdYcqHVZzU

https://www.combatstress.org.uk

[peatear]

As far as I'm aware I don't actually have any mental health problems. How would I know if I did?

 

Sometimes, you just... don't. Depending on the problem that happens to you. ;D

Wow I was going to put what I felt like, but it turned in to a life story of how I got there.

I didn't believe in depression/anxiety etc.

I do now. It hit me. Hard. and fairly unexpectedly (to me at least).

COVID hasn't helped thus far. I love the new job I got about a year ago, easier, no stress, ok money.

But I lack motivation. For anything at all. And no friends up here close by to make times easier to deal with

just an other half that also suffers with anxiety.

And as COVID has progressed that has got worse. Each time you think maybe theres light at the

end of the tunnel, it is switched off and it feels awful.

Still learning to ride, did first CBT just over 2 years ago. Had a 125 for a bit. Passed Mod1 last week. Mod2 to come. That is

the lack of motivation for /anything/ happening. No matter what it is or how much I want it.

It is the only time I am completely 100% entirely focused on one thing and one thing only. Nothing else matters. When

i'm on a bike. So i'm happy to finally almost be at the end of the 'official' learning, and get the real learning in my own time

on my own bike once I can.

Edited October 15, 2020 by peatear

[fastbob]

Maybe this will help explain why the general situation in the world outside of our sphere of influence is having a negative effect on personal wellbeing . This describes a panic attack but all of this can be applied to a slow drip drip effect over time as well .

[NeilM]

I'll add my experiences.

As some know one of my kids went through a really bad time about 12 months back. Unfortunately all child services were shut down due to covid in March.

We as a family struggled like hell to keep them on an even keel.

But it worked. Just. We found structure helped. No school. So what you're up at 7 am latest etc.

Fortunately when the services re opned they were already at a point mentally where help could be given.

Now me.....

So for those who now me personally. This may be suprising but im on the happy pills.

I suffer from and was relatively recently diagnosed with PTSD.

There said it.

Never knew i had it. Thought it was perfectly normal to feel like i did.

Get help. Nowt to be ashamed of.

I should have done it 20 years ago....lol

Thing is. I'm still a dick at times but a far happier one and much more stable.

[geofferz]

3 months ago I

Lost my job

Got divorced

Sold my house

Got done for speeding

I was not a happy bunny.

Now I

Have cash from my house sale

Flew to Turkey 6 weeks ago and have been having the time of my f***ing life since then

Am still great friends with my ex

(Still awaiting the speeding ticket but hi ho)

Have a job offer bubbling for a great role.

These pics since September 2nd 2020

 

 

Today I was i a private yacht

 

 

Turn that frown upside down. Where possible, if you can. If you can't then know that things can change for the better.

[Guest]

I suffer from and was relatively recently diagnosed with PTSD.

 

 

What was it that caused that Neil?

[learningtofly]

Kudos to [mention]fastbob[/mention] for starting this thread, and it's really good to see people prepared to open up and share their thoughts/troubles with everyone on here. I'm not going to say that I haven't been impacted by this horrible pandemic (my business has all but collapsed and I've had zero income this year), nor that I've escaped hardship in earlier times. However, I'm still around, I have my bike and Spurs are going to win the Premiership title this season... it could be worse

(I also have a wife who loves me, and children who do as well. I even have a new granddaughter in NYC, not that I've been able to meet her yet!)

Anyway, thoughts are with everyone in these difficult times.

[Six30]

Kudos to @fastbob for starting this thread, and it's really good to see people prepared to open up and share their thoughts/troubles with everyone on here. I'm not going to say that I haven't been impacted by this horrible pandemic (my business has all but collapsed and I've had zero income this year), nor that I've escaped hardship in earlier times. However, I'm still around, I have my bike and Spurs are going to win the Premiership title this season... it could be worse

(I also have a wife who loves me, and children who do as well. I even have a new granddaughter in NYC, not that I've been able to meet her yet!)

Anyway, thoughts are with everyone in these difficult times.

 

you clearly need serious help... Spurs winning the league...

 

[Bender]

Kudos to @fastbob for starting this thread, and it's really good to see people prepared to open up and share their thoughts/troubles with everyone on here. I'm not going to say that I haven't been impacted by this horrible pandemic (my business has all but collapsed and I've had zero income this year), nor that I've escaped hardship in earlier times. However, I'm still around, I have my bike and Spurs are going to win the Premiership title this season... it could be worse

(I also have a wife who loves me, and children who do as well. I even have a new granddaughter in NYC, not that I've been able to meet her yet!)

Anyway, thoughts are with everyone in these difficult times.

I'm willing to pop in and say hi to your family in NYC, both me and the wife love NYC

[MarkW]

Back in the summer of 1988 we were driving home after a family camping holiday in France – me, my brother, my mother and my father. When we arrived, three of us jumped out of the car and went inside to do all those things you do when you get home after a long holiday – putting the kettle on, opening the mountain of post behind the door – the usual stuff. Being slightly preoccupied, it was several minutes before we realised that my father had driven away.

Sitting here 32 years later it’s a struggle to remember the precise sequence of events that night, but I know that at some point my mother phoned the police to report him missing, and that I went out to look for him several times. What I do remember very clearly is the futility of a 15 year old boy walking every inch of the neighbourhood in the pouring rain, desperately hoping to find his father.

The next morning the police came round to tell us that they had found a body 30 miles away in Buxton, and that my mother had to go and identify it. They knew she couldn’t drive - and in any case didn’t have the car- but they just told us where we had to go and left us to it. Thankfully one of our neighbours took us. I can still remember as clearly as if it were yesterday sitting in the passenger seat of his car as we waited for my mother to come out of the police station, listening to the rain gently drumming on the roof and watching the rivulets of water run down the windscreen.

When she did finally come out it was to confirm what we already knew, which was that the body they had found was my dad. The feeling I experienced then is one I’ve never been able to describe accurately - as though the ground had disappeared from beneath me, and that I was tumbling through space. Everything that had given my life structure up to that point had collapsed around me, and I completely lost all my bearings.

I remember very little of the funeral. It was held in the huge chapel of the university where he worked, and it was packed. Clearly a popular man then, my dad.

I’m not ashamed to say that I adored my father, and thought he was fantastic. I had wanted to learn everything I could from him, and I craved his company. Although I didn’t really give it any thought at the time, I always knew that he wasn’t quite so enthusiastic about spending time with me. Whenever I did spend time with him - fixing the car, doing some DIY around the house, or joining in his main hobby which was photography - my presence was barely tolerated at best, and certainly never encouraged. I assumed it was because I was just an irritating kid who pestered the life out of him when what he really wanted was a bit of peace and quiet, but it was an open secret that he much preferred my younger brother, who he thought was far superior to me in every way – especially intellectually and musically. Funnily enough it never bothered me at the time, probably because I was too stupid to realise how morally repulsive it was.

Like most people who take their own lives, my father had left a note, and after some initial hesitation my mother allowed me to read it - some time just after the funeral, I believe. Her reluctance was well founded, because in it he made it very clear that I fell some considerable way short of being the son he wanted – if indeed he wanted me at all. As criticisms go it was pretty damning, and the fact that his last thoughts of me had been so hateful came as another devastating blow. He must have known full well what effect that would have on a young boy.

But as bad as that was, it got much worse when she went through his papers. His original idea had been to have some company on his journey into oblivion, and he had made quite elaborate plans to take me along with him. This was motivated for the most part by his dislike for me, but also by his desire to spite my mother. In the end it would seem that the logistics of the enterprise were what put him off - not so much a case of what Hunter S Thompson would have categorised as “Too weird to live, and too rare to die” and more “Too worthless to live, but too much effort to kill.”

That was the beginning of the end of whoever it was that I was ever going to have been. Perhaps there is a more effective way to take a kind, loving and trusting child and completely destroy every aspect of his personality, but I’ll be damned if I can think of it. The father that I trusted with my life would have had no hesitation in taking it away from me - not out of that misguided love and fear of eternal separation that drives some suicidal parents to take their children with them, but out of contempt, and a mind-set that saw me as nothing more than a disposable commodity whose murder might add a bit extra to the hurt he wanted to cause my mother. It was as though I had unknowingly been in the crosshairs of a sniper’s rifle, and that at the last moment, for some random reason, they had decided not to pull the trigger; that the only reason I was still here was because of some arbitrary decision he had taken. The anger that made me feel was like nothing I had experienced before or since – a visceral rage that burned so intensely for so long that it incinerated every last trace of the person I had been.

Of course if he had decided to take me along with him on that day in 1988 I would have been a lamb to the slaughter, not suspecting a thing until it was all too late. For years my mother had a recurring nightmare that he had come back for me, and that there was nothing she could do to stop him from dragging me away to the grave. Even now, on the rare occasions that he appears in my dreams we are always fighting, and I am always losing.

I learned a harsh lesson at 15: if you can’t even trust your father with something as fundamental as your life, you’d be a bloody fool ever to trust anyone. In much the same vein I eventually came to see ‘friendship’ for what it really was, and came to the conclusion that I’d be much better off without it. With the sole exception of my wife, I am as detached from meaningful relationships with other people now (or ‘ruggedly individualistic’ as I prefer to call it) as I was 30 years ago. On the rare occasions when people ask me about not having any friends I make a joke about it being my SAS training (you know – be friendly to everyone but be friends with no-one) and quickly change the subject. The truth is I’m not entirely convinced it’s such a good thing, and have always had a sneaking admiration for people like my wife who make friends easily. It’s done though, and the die is cast. No sympathy for the devil.

I can’t even begin to describe the path I had to travel to get back to being something even approximating the sort of person I might ordinarily have been, or the years it took. As an adult I was once asked to describe my personality in a few words as part of one of those pointless personality tests that second-rate employers are so keen on. I said “It’s the best I could do with what was left.” That’s probably as truthful an explanation as it’s possible to give.

On the plus side, I’ll never be an alcoholic. The early stages of inebriation are always pleasant enough, but then it shifts gears on you without warning, and you find yourself in a waking nightmare of hellish introspection; two or three hours of catatonic despair with nothing for company but dark thoughts and the relentless ringing of chronic tinnitus in my ears. Socrates may well have believed that the unexamined life was not worth living, but in my experience there are some things it pays not to look at too closely. Even simple things like a hug from my kids can pull me up short sometimes: as the wave of love for my children washes over me it makes me wonder why my father couldn’t feel that for me: what must have been wrong with me? I think back to his funeral, and how many people packed the place to pay their respects to a friend and colleague: surely they can’t all have been wrong about him? It must be me…

But none of this has ever caused me any mental health issues. At the time I guess I was too preoccupied with surviving – just keeping our heads above water whilst the debt collectors queued up at the door until we were finally turfed out of our house – and I simply didn’t have the time to dwell on it. Perhaps I should caveat that by saying that for years my biggest regret was that medical science couldn’t bring my father back just so I could have the satisfaction of killing him with my bare hands. I’d genuinely enjoy that, although I realise it might not be a totally sane desire…

Of all those who have posted here the person I identify most strongly with is Xtreme (apart from that bit about tucking into Edwina’s hairy pie, or whatever deplorable Welsh depravity it was that he was getting up to). My early experiences taught me in the most brutal way possible that life sometimes turns to shit in an instant through no fault of your own, that no-one has truly got your back, and that you’d better find a way to deal with it if you don’t want to go under. I came very close to not being here at all, so I’ll gladly take whatever life throws at me. I also lost my best friend some years ago in a horrific accident, and not a day goes by when I’m not grateful for the fact that whatever unpleasantness I may have to deal with, I am at least here to experience it.

Edited October 15, 2020 by MarkW