Boothy Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 boothy. religion is not a joke. millions of people have been massacred over the millenia Which is why it's such a bad joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phooey Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Archeologists have just uncovered the first lesbian dinosaur. They have named it Licalotopuss.Next to her was the first gay dinosaur: Megasorass. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tango Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 An American guy is having a meal in a restaurant in Spain when he looks across at one of the other diners. The other diner has 2 large round things on his plate and is tucking into them with gusto.....obviously enjoying his meal. The American is intrigued and calls the waiter across."What's that the guy over there is eating?" he enquires.The waiter replies "they are bulls testicals sir""say what!!" exclaims the American."Yes sir, after the Bull Fight the victor removes the testicles of the vanquished and they are brought here to our restaurant by fast runner, where they are prepared and cooked in the traditional way. They are a great delicacy and are much sought after!""Well" says the American "bring me some of those""I'm sorry sir" replies the waiter "these are much sought after, and you need to reserve them in advance of the Bull Fight""when's the next Bull Fight?" asks the American."Next Thursday" replies the waiter."well, I want to reserve some of those for next thursday" demands the American"Very well sir" says the waiter " but they are very expensive""Hey Mack" shouts the American "I'm from Texas. I don't care what they cost!!""Very well sir, I shall reserve a table for you for next Thursday then"Thursday arrives and the American sits down at the table. The waiter comes out with the dish and with great flourish presents the American with the plate.There are 2 small balls on the plate.The American is incensed. "These are tiny" he roars "the ones the guy had the other day were far larger than these. What the hell is going on here?"Well sir" replies the waiter "sometimes the Bull wins!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tankbag Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 My girlfriend and I went to see the new Batman film for our 9th date since we've been together. To summarise our dates so far we've had dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smokin Joe Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 Superman is flying through Metropolis when he sees Wonder Woman lying in the grass in the park, stark naked with her legs open. He thinks if he drops down at supersonic speed and gives her a quick one she'll never know who it was. So down he goes, has a lightening shag and then zooms off again."What the hell was that", cries Wonder woman."I Don't know, but my arse is killing me", says the Invisible man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acting_strange Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 A little boy was sat on the pavement idly tossing a little bottle in the air and catching it.The local vicar comes cycling along and stops to talk to the lad.“What have you got in that bottle Johnny?” he says and the boy replies “Acid vicar”The vicar takes a bottle of Holy water from his jacket and says I will swop you my bottle of holy water for your bottle of acid.The little boy asks “what will the Holy water do then vicar?” who replies “if you rub this on your mummies tummy she will pass a baby”The little boy thinks for a minute and says “that’s nothing vicar, if you rub this on a tom cat’s bollocks it will pass a motorbike” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiggie Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan" Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Ryan. He died. I'm married to his widow." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dieffe Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb.............two, but I don't know how they got in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 The Dalai Lama walks into Pizza Hut and says to the assistant "Make me one with everything". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rennie Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 Q. What have a Giraffe and a Refrigerator got in common?A. Neither of them can play Space Invaders! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 I've been asked to be half of a pantomime horse this Christmas.I'll do it-but I'll quit while I'm a head.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rad Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 - I bought my wife a fur for £20k and she stopped talking to me for 2 week. - Why? What happened? - Nothing. That was the deal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 I've just bought a painting by the much admired and revered Welsh artist,Vincent Van Gogogogoch! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 I said to my mate "It's been proved that 75% of males shove a finger up their arse when in the shower-guess what the other 25% do?""Dunno",he said,"What?""Eww! Don't even THINK of asking me to sniff your finger!"" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acting_strange Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 My missus asked me to buy her an animal skin coat for christmas...So I bought her a donkey jacket... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glorian Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 A dyslexic man walks into a bra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Why would he walk into a bra? A rab I can understand, but not a bra. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glorian Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Based on the "A man walks into a bar" jokes He walks into a bra! It's a joke it doesnt need to make sense! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smokin Joe Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Based on the "A man walks into a bar" jokes He walks into a bra! It's a joke it doesnt need to make sense! Sorry, I don't get it at all. Can you explain? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tango Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Paddy rushes into a florists, "I want a bunch of flowers"The florist asks "What are you looking for, sir?" "A shag!" Replies paddy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 9, 2013 Share Posted December 9, 2013 What do you call a ginger prostitute?Orange pay as you go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted December 9, 2013 Share Posted December 9, 2013 Based on the "A man walks into a bar" jokes He walks into a bra! It's a joke it doesnt need to make sense! Sorry, I don't get it at all. Can you explain? I think he meant to say 'RAB'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glorian Posted December 10, 2013 Share Posted December 10, 2013 A man walks into a barA man walks into a braThey sound similar! it is ze joke you see? ho ho hoh ho Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grumpy Old Git Posted December 10, 2013 Share Posted December 10, 2013 A man walks into a barA man walks into a braThey sound similar! it is ze joke you see? ho ho hoh ho But 'A man walks into a Rab' sounds different - Surely that is the joke? Otherwise why not just say that 'A bar was walked into by a nam'? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smokin Joe Posted December 10, 2013 Share Posted December 10, 2013 An arb walks into an amn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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