OliverMatthews Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 A guy was walking down the high street past the pet shop when the owner called him in to see the latest new pet sensation."It's a talking centipede" he said, "only £20".The guy wasn't really in the market for a new pet, but on the other hand a talking centipede sounded cool, so finally he bought one, plus its tank, food and toys, for £30. He got home and set it up on the bookshelf. At first he just watched it scuttle around, buy after a while this got boring so he decided to make it talk."Hey mate - fancy going out for a pint?"He waited, but there wasn't a sound. He got more and more angry at the way he'd been conned out of his £30. Eventually he'd had enough - he deiced to give it one more chance before he took it all back to the pet shop to get his £30 back. So he shouted:"HEY MATE - FANCY GOING OUT FOR A PINT??!!"Then he heard a small voice saying"OK, OK, I heard you the first time!. Give me half a chance - I'm just putting my shoes on... Quote
Six30 Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 Some people would have us believe that no matter what our skin colour, gender or race, we are all the same under the Skin... Quote
Smithers Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 Two gay cowboys having a chat. One says to the other "yerp" the other one replies "yep" Quote
billy sugger Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 I saw a nun copulating a clown. I thought it was virgin on the rediculous Quote
Mr Fro Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 What's the most popular soup at Jamie Oliver's restaurants?Adminestrone Quote
Stu Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 TMBF mod meeting... Yup Still can't see you there though six Quote
Six30 Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 TMBF mod meeting... Yup Still can't see you there though six Someone’s got to take the photo Quote
Stu Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 TMBF mod meeting... Yup Still can't see you there though six Someone’s got to take the photo good come back! Quote
old-timer Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 TMBF mod meeting... Yup Still can't see you there though six Oh... But he's there all right... Quote
billy sugger Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 an old racing driver has died last week.Lauder? AN OLD RACING DRIVER DIED LAST WEEK Quote
dynax Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 Went to the library the other day, wanted to read a book called " Honour Amongst Thieves ", some thieving twat only went and nicked it, Quote
Stu Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife!! He has been proper miserable lately! Quote
old-timer Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Many years ago, a friend of mine told me that, for his new job, he was going from door to door.He said that, if a man answered the door he pretended to be selling encyclopaedia.But if it was a woman, he would offer her sexual favours... For free."Oh well...", I said, "I'd expect you to find the door slammed in your face many many times then".He smirked and said: "Oh yah, many times... But I am occasionally invited in...". Quote
dynax Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 During my check-up I asked the Doctor"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"He replied "I doubt it somehow -- Mercury is in Uranus right now"I said "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense"He replied"Neither do I --- My thermometer just broke" Quote
onesea Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Husband stands in front of a mirror naked and asks his wife "Why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself naked?"Wife replies "Because even your your cock thinks your a ****". (C U Next Tuesday) Quote
dynax Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 After spending 10 years on a Trawler, preparing the lobster pots, i am now proud to say, i have achieved the status of a Master Baiter Quote
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