Your worst joke!!!

[Mickly]

[Six30]

[Mickly]

[Stu]

Convince people you have won the lottery by putting your heating on and filling the car with fuel!!!

[Stu]

These trick or treaters seem to get older every year... Just had two at the door already asking for money!! Costumes were good though, they were dressed as bailiffs!!

 

 

I gave them a mars bar each and told them to f**k off!!

[Tiggie]

[husoi]

A drunk man stinking of beer sat down on a Metro train seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

 

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

 

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of hygiene."

 

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

 

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[husoi]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

 

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[husoi]

An elderly couple was sitting at the dinning table

The old man have a sip on his red wine glass and says:

 - I love you so much that I can't imagine my life without you.

The wife says:

 - Is that you or the wine talking?

The old man replies:

 - That's me talking to the wine.

[Stu]

[Steve_M]

[Stu]

[Stu]

[Stu]

[Mississippi Bullfrog]

24 minutes ago, Stu said:

Can't be Yorkshire, the guy is wearing a coat. A real Yorkshire man would be attired in shorts, t-shirt and flip flops.

[S-Westerly]

1 hour ago, Mississippi Bullfrog said:

Can't be Yorkshire, the guy is wearing a coat. A real Yorkshire man would be attired in shorts, t-shirt and flip flops.

When we lived in Weardale my son used to go out on the lash wearing jeans and a T-shirt. How he was never dead of hypothermia I'll never know.

[onesea]

[Tiggie]

When I worked night shift at petrol station I once had an entire group of women in mini skirts making snow angels on the ground 

[Bender]

2 hours ago, Mississippi Bullfrog said:

Can't be Yorkshire, the guy is wearing a coat. A real Yorkshire man would be attired in shorts, t-shirt and flip flops.

Bollocks sorry but real yorkshire man would be filling a bowl with snow  

[S-Westerly]

59 minutes ago, Bender said:

Bollocks sorry but real yorkshire man would be filling a bowl with snow  

Yep, short arms with long pockets.

[Steve_M]

Too soon?

[Stu]

[Six30]

[skyrider]

1 hour ago, Six30 said:

you missed a bit

[billy sugger]

I was in the pub having a laugh and a joke when the barmaid rolled her eyes at me. 

 

I rolled them back--they looked real to me